So, this week we’ve lost Bill DeBlasio. As the President mentioned, New York City is in a panic because Bill’s returning there and sure to cause fresh havoc in Gotham City.
And word has come down from Spartacus that unless his backers send him $1.7 million before September 30th, he’s going to drop his shield and short sword and drop out of the race. Kind of makes you wonder a little about why he’s in the race. What I want to know is who will keep the white supremacists in check if Cory drops out of the race. I mean sure, Creepy Uncle Joe and Kamala Harris are woke to the threat of rampaging gun-wielding white fascists but Spartacus was the one who made it his signature issue. And without a doubt Beto has laid claim to the gun grabbing title with his hats, coffee mugs and other branded paraphernalia but Spartacus was so much more real. Yes, Cory Booker will be missed by those supremacists.
Today I read that Fauxcahantas has taken a two-point lead over Creepy Joe in Iowa. Losing Uncle Joe so early in the process would be a blow. The whole problem of his son and the Ukraine could spell the end of my prediction for Joe to be the November victim for President Trump. So sad, so sad. Well if it’s to be Fauxcahantas (and I’m not admitting to it yet) then let it be Fauxcahantas and Kamala Harris. That is a dream ticket for President Trump. Between the shrieks of Fauxcahantas and the whining and crying of Harris there wouldn’t be a man in America with a testosterone level above zero who would vote for that nightmare. Now the flip side of that is every cat lady and power skirt in the country will try to vote twice for them. But somehow, I don’t see them getting much of the female black vote.
Bernie is now only ahead of Warren in New Hampshire where he is shown trailing Joe by about a point. But nationally the Fake Indian is leading him by a couple of points. Bernie won’t drop out soon. He’s got a lot of money and a loyal core of Bernie Bros who won’t desert him.
Pete Butt also has a good pile of cash to keep him going and the desire to be Vice President and I see him hanging in there for a good long time. But as to who would select him for Veep, maybe Harris? I’m guessing nobody really wants him aboard.
So, of the candidates who still might be around in a few weeks, that leaves Beto. I think Harris would like to have him for a Veep. He’s so incredibly shallow and stupid that by comparison even she would look sort of intelligent. And he’s got a skateboard you know. He’ll definitely get the poser and hipster vote motivated.
All the rest of the losers hovering around at 3% or lower will be gone by Halloween. It’s pretty clear that the Media wants Creepy Uncle Joe to drop out. They’re afraid that he’s too senile and has too many skeletons in his closet to beat the President. And they’re right but honestly, it’s not as if Bernie or Fake Indian aren’t just as looney. It’s that old white guy just seems impossible for their narrative.
Emotionally I’m tied to the idea of Creepy Uncle Joe going into the debates. The spastic hilarity just draws me in. But Fake Indian is great too. Fauxcahantas has more than one arrow in her quiver if I may be permitted to use the metaphor. She shrieks and her eyes bulge behind her Granny Clampett glasses and she gestures and gesticulates like some demented third grade teacher. There is greatness there.
But never let it be said that I’m a fair-weather friend. I’m sticking with Crazy Uncle Joe to the bitter end. The only condition I put on his candidacy is if he strokes out. If he does, I’ll pull support. I can’t be responsible for the death of anyone, even Creepy Uncle Joe.
So, let’s recap. With the Media and nervous big money pushing to anoint Fauxcahantas, Creepy Uncle Joe is hoping to weather the Ukraine thing while Bernie plods along waving the Hammer and Sickle flag of Communism for the Bernie Bros to see. The only losers who’ll hang in for the Veep sweepstakes look like Harris, Beto, Mayor Pete Butt and maybe Spartacus. I’m holding out for Uncle Joe but the vultures are beginning to circle. Stay tuned for more excitement in October.