This week marked the resurfacing of Buckaroo’s sidekick, “The Parmesan Kid.” Hunter has returned to the spotlight with new tales of his incomparable lust for life. And it’s hard to imagine that anything he could say at this point could compare with his former exploits. A man who captures video of himself having sex with underage girls surely has already hit bottom. But for the sake of having something new with which to sell his new book, Hunter shares the trials and tribulations of his search for remnant crumbs of crack cocaine in his carpet. Apparently, parmesan cheese and Cheetos dust resemble crack cocaine when you’re as strung out and stupid as the son of Dementia Joe.
Now we’ve had loser relatives of the president before. Jimmy Carter had his brother “Billie Beer” Carter who would urinate on Air Force One’s tire on the tarmac when the urge hit him. And Chelsea Clinton was guaranteed to embarrass the country if for no other reason than her parents are Bill and Hillary. But Hunter is in a class of his own. Here’s a guy who impregnates a stripper, refuses to pay child support but has to relent to avoid having his financial records inspected. He’s kicked out of the Navy because he couldn’t pass a drug test. He works one no-show job after another because of his father’s political clout and he launders all his father’s kickbacks. But without a doubt the absolute bottom has to be bedding his dead brother’s widow. You have to wonder whether he thinks he’s competing with Caligula or something.
But you have to know that Hunter is just the logical conclusion when someone like Joe Biden has a family. How else can you end up when your crooked politician of a father makes you his bagman. What could Joe possibly say to Hunter to dissuade him from doing any fool thing? It’s wrong? Please! It’s dangerous? How could anything be dangerous when the fixers in the FBI and the CIA have got your back? It’ll look bad? With the News agencies and Silicon Valley at your beck and call? Why shouldn’t he become the Charlie Sheen of Washington?
No, no, no. Hunter is not the villain, he’s the result of someone as corrupt as Joe Biden being elevated to the highest power in the land. In a way Hunter almost seems moderate. As far as I know he’s never been accused of cannibalism or necrophilia. But we’re still pretty early in his career. I have to assume that sometime after Kamala’s third term Michelle Obama is going to need a running mate and then who knows, when Hunter is close to eighty maybe it’ll be his turn in the White House.
Of course, by then it’s hard to imagine there’ll still be much of a country left for Hunter to pillage. But that’s where his experience picking crumbs out the carpet will really come in handy. There should be just enough left for him to keep the orgy going right to the end. If not, he’ll have to get the stripper’s kid up to speed on shaking down foreigners. Maybe he can impress the Zimbabweans.