Category: Trump

Giving Thanks for a Short Respite

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As Rooster Cogburn said “I am grown old.”  I’ve lived through the horror of the Kennedy assassination, Nixon’s resignation, Carter’s humiliation, Clinton’s disgrace, Bush’s frittering away of the American hegemony and Obama’s deconstruction of its greatness.  I no longer harbor any illusions about happily ever after.  When Trump reaches the White House we will witness a wave of vitriol unleashed by the left that will infect every stratum of American life.  Their drumbeat of accusation will be relentless and exhausting.  Even if Trump manages to achieve much of what he intends and even if this corresponds to what I want done it will not be fun.  It will be akin to fighting the hydra, a multi-headed monster that refuses to die.  It will be exhausting.

And that brings me to my thesis.  Thanks to Donald Trump (and divine Providence) for allowing us a holiday season before the ordeal.  I will take the opportunity to celebrate and spend time with family and friends, to eat, drink and be merry.  In fact, I’ll go one better.  I have close relatives who are committed progressives.  They are probably extremely dejected over the election loss.  If the conversation turned to the subject of the election it would probably cause them lots of discomfort.  So, for that reason I will make a point of not discussing the election or Trump.  If anyone else does I will not join in and instead attempt to steer it away from this subject.

Why?  After all, the schadenfreude would be considerable.  These folks had taken great pleasure in Obama’s every disruption of American life.  They had indulged in the vilification of Bush during the Iraq War.  They thoroughly deserve to be gloated at.  They’ve richly earned it.  Why won’t I do it?  Because it’s too dangerous.

I’m becoming convinced that an open breach is building up in America.  There will be some pretty powerful hate unleashed on both side of this divide.  Many friendships and families will be torn up and I want to do whatever I can to steer it away from my family.  I have seen what happen once you let the genie out of the bottle.  You can’t unsay things.  The poison remains in the wound and never fully heals over.  Some people say that this is a better way to handle these political differences, to have your say and walk away from the other side and not come back.  I don’t agree.

I have always felt that family is the absolute bedrock foundation of life.  Turning your back on a brother or sister was tantamount to gnawing off a limb, an act that can only be justified if your very life is at stake but still so awful that the survival is a pyrrhic victory.  And the election has been so ugly and the anger has been so corrosive that it would only take a few rounds of escalating rhetoric to blow up a holiday gathering into a political hate fest.

So, that is why if someone tells me that Donald Trump stole the election from Hillary and that he is not her president I will answer, “okay, but please pass the mashed potatoes, and here are the candied yams for your side of the aisle… I mean table.”

I’ll save my venom and scorn for the internet trolls who work for Soros and endlessly opine on the evil of white privilege, misogyny and the plight of the downtrodden.  I promise not to give them a single inch.  And I’ll continue to post all through the holidays to rally the troops.  But I’ll preserve a truce at the holiday table.

Happy Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years to both patriots and progressives.  Season’s greetings to all the families out there.  Rest up and enjoy.  Next year is going to be extremely busy.  Eat, drink and be merry.  You’re going to need it.

Peter Thiel’s Zero to One: A Short Book Review

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This book is a bit of a departure from my usual fare of science fiction and fantasy.  It’s a book based on a course the author gave on business start-ups.  And considering that Thiel was one of the founders of PayPal I guess he knows a thing or two about innovation.  The title “Zero to One,” is a way of describing the invention of something new, literally something out of nothing.  He contrasts this to the current business paradigm of amplifying existing businesses by small incremental improvements mostly involving decreasing business costs.  This might seem like a narrow topic that would only interest business school types and in one sense that’s true.  What makes it important to the general reader is how he frames this situation as a symptom of a larger societal problem that effects us all and threatens to make permanent the recession that has gripped the United States for the last thirty years.

Thiel defines the parameters involved as two binary variables.  The first pair is optimism versus pessimism.  As examples of these he compares American culture in the post WWII era (optimistic) with other cultures that tend to pessimism (e.g. Modern Europe, Modern China).  That’s easy enough to understand and familiar to most readers.  The other parameter he describes is definite versus indefinite.  The dichotomy here is the difference between believing that you can shape the future (definite) versus believing that the future is ruled by luck or random events.  Putting these two sets together you can come up with four cases, Definite Optimism, Indefinite Optimism, Definite Pessimism and Indefinite Pessimism.  With respect to the United States he claims that we have shifted from the Definite Optimism of the 1940s and 50s to the Indefinite Optimism of the present.  He maintains that Americans tend to regard the future as optimistic but instead of the bold plans for creating the future in the 40s and 50s (characterized by such bold endeavors as the Manhattan Project and the other engineering marvels of the times) we just assume that everything will turn out well without actually having a blueprint of what needs to be done to achieve this prosperity.

This framework is then extended to other areas of human activity such as finance, politics and even philosophy.  These observations seem genuinely compelling.  The analysis is uncomplicated and fairly obvious once examined.  I find this section the most interesting from a general interest perspective.

The majority of the book returns to more concrete elements of what a successful start-up business should look like (and that is something that is interesting to more than just venture capitalists and computer savants) but sprinkled throughout the book are arguments that show Thiel’s divergent view on modern business goals.  His thoughts on the desirability of monopolies is clever.  And finally, he examines the consequences of automation on human society.  He recognizes the disruptions to older life styles inherent in these technologies but offers an opinion on how it can be made to serve society instead.

News that Thiel is being considered for a role in the upcoming Trump administration strikes me as a positive turn of events.  He appears to be an original thinker who seems to possess insights into how innovation is central to the American Dream.  I think it’s almost prophetic that both Thiel and Trump seem to be telling America to return to a winning strategy.

This book is primarily for those interested in what makes for a successful start-up company but I would recommend it to anyone who wants to know why America is faltering economically and even spiritually.

Of Trump, the Alt-Right and Me

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So, the Trumpocalypse came to pass, as foreseen by the Alt-Right.  Some will argue that he got lucky, that he was just as likely to choke and lose as badly as a mainstream republican like JEB!.  Possibly, but I don’t think so.  Reading the reasons that the Alt-Right give for Trump’s success I think they have identified some very important facts:

  1. There was a pool of white voters that felt unrepresented by both the democrats and republicans. These were the so-called Reagan Democrats who stopped voting after 1988.  They were forgotten by George Bush Senior and didn’t like what either the democrats or the republicans were doing to the heartland.  They were abandoned by the corporations who used globalization as a way to access cheap labor in Mexico and other developing countries.  This stayed the same under Clinton, Bush Junior and Obama.
  2. The Progressives have successfully moved forward an agenda over the course of the last fifty years that is aimed at progressively disadvantaging and demonizing white people in general and straight white men in particular. To achieve this, affirmative action laws and the progressives in the media and education were used to incrementally deprive them of opportunities and dignity.  The narrative of female and minority oppression at the hands of straight white men was endlessly reinforced on television, in the movies, in the news, at school and by government agencies that enforced these discriminatory practices.
  3. The Democrats were endeavoring to bring in enough Illegal immigrants to ensure that white Americans would no longer be a majority of voters. This would allow them to easily remove the parts of the Constitution (freedom of speech and right to bear arms) that interfere with them permanently controlling the country.
  4. And finally, the Republican Establishment, from Bush Senior on, was complicit in this immigrant plan as a way of providing cheap labor for their crony capitalist friends. In addition, they were allowing these corporations to shut down all major industrial activity in the US and move it to the third world (China).  This was the so-called new world order of Bush Senior.

The only one of these that is at all surprising is the last.  It had always seemed perplexing that Bush Junior was unable to achieve any conservative reform during his first term when he had a virtual mandate from heaven to do as he pleased and which Congress would rubber stamp.  He lowered some taxes but that was for his corporate friends more than for anyone else.  All his other efforts were indistinguishable from progressive programs.  Now it seems clear to me that the Bushes, McCain, Romney and most of the rest of them are identical to the Democrats.  They use fear of progressive control to get themselves re-elected every few years but they are much more interested in their own careers and the connections they cultivate in office than in helping to conserve the way of life that is systematically under attack from their friends on the other side of the aisle.

On all these points, I am now in unanimity with the Alt-Right.  Beyond this is where I differ.

Many (if not all) on the Alt-Right feel that racial differences preclude modern America from going forward as a united country.  They predict that the US will splinter into separate racial homelands with descendants of the British colonists self-segregating themselves into one nation and other groups dividing up along ethnic lines.  They state that a propositional nation based on rights and equal treatment will not last and shouldn’t.

They believe this will be sparked when white people become a minority in the US and revolt at the treatment they receive at the hands of the minority majority.  In their estimation, this would have preceded more quickly if Trump had lost the election.  They see a Trump administration as a band-aid and a delay before the inevitable revolt.  They believe that the other ethnic groups and their allies in the sexual grievance communities (women, the various sexual deviants) will push white men too far and they will secede from the country.

So here we are.  I will be the first to admit that much that they say about our present situation is accurate.  And I’d be the last to deny that the treatment of white men in the last fifty years has been outrageous.

From my point of view, the leftists have followed a strategy that will divide this country in much the same way Yugoslavia disintegrated.  This is a truly frightening possibility.  The misery and destruction such a conflict would represent is hard to overestimate.  When you consider the possibility of outside forces getting involved, the scope of the disaster could be virtually apocalyptic even on a global scale.

But I shy away from the idea that people can’t exist under a government that treats its people impartially.  To this end I tried to envision what changes to our government would forestall this rupture of the American people.  Here they are:

  1. The recognized status of the family uniquely defined as a man and a woman producing and raising children.
  2. The elimination of government interference with parents raising their children as they see fit.
  3. The elimination of affirmative action or protected status in any government law or program based on race, gender, sexual orientation or any other discriminatory factor.
  4. The elimination of government interference to free association. This includes any forced association by government decree.
  5. The elimination of automatic citizenship to the children of non-citizens.
  6. The curtailment of all but minimal immigration for the foreseeable future.

I believe that if these changes were made to the government, normalcy would be restored.  Of course, seeing these kinds of changes initiated would require action by the three branches of the government well beyond any effective action seen since the Great Society legislation of the 1960s.  So, it’s hard to see how this will happen.  And although I am unhappy with the Alt-Rights vision of the future, I don’t think I can dismiss it as unrealistic.  Based on the wide-ranging disruptions occurring every day around the world it’s a bold man who would preclude almost anything as impossible.  So, that’s where things stand.

I admit to the accuracy of the Alt-Right’s assessment of what is going on in the world right now.  I hope that they’re wrong about the fate of our country.  I think I see what changes would improve our union.  And I don’t have a sense of how likely it is that we’ll fix these problems.  Time will tell.  In the meantime I’ll enjoy the spectacle of the Trumpocalypse for as long as I can.

 

Trump vs The Wake-Up Call

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Scene:  Trump Headquarters, Election Day evening.

Donald Trump (DT) (Reclining back in his desk chair asleep and having a bad dream):  No, no.  I don’t want to eat the Supreme Court.  Sotomayor is too greasy, Ginsburg is too stringy and Kagan is too bitter!  No don’t force me to do it.  Don’t suspend the first amendment!  No, no, noooooo!

Melania Trump (MT)  (bending over and shaking Trump):  Wake up Schmoopy, you’re having the bad dream.

Mike Pence (MP):  Mrs. Trump is he alright?

Chris Christie (CC):  Yes, should we call an ambulance?

MT:  No he sometimes has the bad dreams.  They started after we went to the Clinton wedding.  Very scary.

DT:  Where am I?  Did I eat them?

MP:  Eat what?

DT:  The Supreme Court broads.

MT:  Why are you dreaming of having the oral sex with other women, you bad man?

DT:  No, not have sex with them, tear them to pieces and wolf down their flesh.

MT:  Oh, in that case it’s alright.

CC:  Mr. Trump have you gone out of your mind?  Why would you dream of such a thing?

DT:  Because I’m a werewolf.  Remember, after being bitten by a loup garou down in Louisiana after the flood, I became a werewolf and killed vampire Hillary Clinton during the debate and then during my first hundred days in office I was forced to eat the democrat members of Congress and the entire staff of the Departments of Education and Energy.

MP:  But Mr. Trump it’s only election day and none of those things happened.  Look at the TV screen on the wall.  They’re showing Clinton Campaign Headquarters and there she is and surrounded by all those democrats.

DT:  But you were there Mike and you were there Melania and you Chris.  And I ate Hillary and Biden and him and him and him too!  It all seemed so real and there were some meals that were really, really, gross but there were also some meals that were really, really good.  Like when I ate Oprah, it was exactly like Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia.

CC:  No Mr. Trump.  All those people are still alive and you’ve been right here asleep.

DT:  Well I’m glad I’m back because even though slaughtering your political opponents is very effective, it takes a terrible toll on your self-esteem and waistline.  And that’s why every time they told me I had to solve one of these political problems by digestion I told them I just wanted to go home to Queens.  And they sent me back and here I am.  And I’ll never leave again.

MT:  But Schmoopy, if you win tonight won’t you have to go to Washington the DC?

DT:  No.  I will sign an executive order making Queens the new capitol.

MP:  But Mr. Trump, all the federal personnel are in D.C.  The government won’t be able to enact business for years if you move the capitol.

DT:  That’s a feature Mike, not a bug.

MP:  Mr. Trump, that’s brilliant.  Without access to the presidency these bureaucrats won’t be able to spend money half as fast as they do now.  I should have thought of it with my brain,

MT:  And I should have felt it with my heart.

CC:  And I should have sensed it with my courageous political instinct.

DT:  Whatever.  Just give me a few minutes to wake up and I’ll join everyone at the main screen.  But have someone send out for a snack.  I’m ravenous.  Better make it ice cream and put on the Oxygen Network during dinner.

The Coffee Walk Bunch

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So, I work with some guys.  They’re regular guys.  Most of them are about my age and mostly share my point of view on the direction the country is moving and whom they want to win in November.  Every workday morning, we trek down the incredibly long corridor of our corporate rat’s maze to the polished stainless counters of the company cafeteria where we get our free coffee.  Not all drink this brew.  I’ve always described the taste as a combination of battery acid and pencil shavings so I only make the daily journey for the camaraderie and exercise.

Over the last few months I have noted that two reactions have set in with this group.

One group is resigned to a Clinton victory.  I have been unable to budge them into hope.  The only good of this is the $20 bet (that we’ve dubbed a “tubman”) I have going with one of them.

The other group, of which I am a member, sees the possibility of a Trump victory.  Some limit their hope to this victory.  Nakedly apparent in their hope is the fear that they’re wrong.  Wrinkled brows are there during every bull session.  Hope is a thin veneer and comfort is slight.

But then there’s me.  I am calm.  I have finally faced my demons.  I have admitted to myself that the United States aren’t.  I now know that there are at least two (and probably several) distinct groups occupying the geographic territory known as the USA.

One of those groups was the one I thought was the US.  These are people who believed in all the traditions and values that until sixty years ago defined the way of life of almost all Americans.  Another of these groups is the progressives.  They believe the opposite.  Until recently I believed these people were mostly good hearted people who were mistaken as to the results of the policies they espoused.  I did not think that they were intent on destroying the traditional ways of life.  I now know I was wrong.  These people are intent on destroying everything that I believe is good in this world.  They want to put an end to the traditional family.  They want to outlaw the normal relations between men and women.  They are working to replace parental rights with state control of all aspects of child-rearing.  They desire to undermine all institutions that compete with the state bureaucracy.  And they want to eliminate the ability of people to oppose the state.

I could go on and on (and one future post I will) but suffice it to say these people are neither friends, allies or even countrymen.  They are the reason the Unites States has ceased to exist.

So, there I am.  I admit the US is gone.  I don’t have to worry whether the next president will maintain and strengthen the laws and institutions.  He won’t.  We’ll continue down the slope to Sodom.  My only responsibility is to identify the course of action that I will follow to minimize the damage to myself, my family and my friends.  This will involve subterfuge, dissemblance and devious tactics.  But once you recognize your opponents as such, it’s no longer necessary to treat them honorably.  And so, the tension about the fate of the country is gone.  And the worry goes away.  It’s quite liberating and almost fun.  It’s much easier to be the pirate than the preacher.

And that is what I’ve been telling the Coffee Walk Bunch.  It’s sort of the “don’t worry be happy” line.  It’s actually quite annoying to the folks worrying.  But I come by it legitimately.  You see I’ve been sweating all the elections and progressive changes since Richard Nixon was in office.  I’ve finally seen the light and I’ll wait for these poor souls to see it too.

So now I can look forward to the Trumpocalypse or the Clinton Catastrophe with equal equanimity and even wry amusement.  Whichever way it goes I hope it involves at least a Page 6 babe and possibly a cover on the Enquirer.  But either way the Coffee Walk Bunch will have plenty to talk about next week.

Trump vs the Congressional Negotiations

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Scene 1: Oval Office, Monday morning.

Vice President Pence (VPP) Mr. President, We’ve got a problem.

President Trump (PT) Pence, what the hell is wrong now? I’ve already right sized the government and eliminated the Departments of Education, Energy and the EPA. What is left to worry about?

VPP:  The Speaker of the House and the Senate Majority Leader are forming a coalition with the democrats to produce a veto proof majority and use it to prevent any of your initiatives being funded.

PT:  Don’t these idiots ever learn? Alright, convene a presidential address in the Capitol. I’ll “persuade” them. Get me a list of all the democrats and the Speaker’s and the Majority Leader’s allies in this cabal.

VPP:  Mr. President, I didn’t know you knew the word cabal.

PT:  Ha ha. Any more jokes at my expense, Pense and I’ll add you to this list.

VPP:  Sorry sir.

PT:  Okay, get going. And get me the Alka Seltzer. No, make that Brioschi.

VPP:  What’s Brioschi?

PT:  Oh, just look it up.

Scene 2: US Capital, Wednesday night.

PT:  Ladies and Gentlemen, we are here tonight to move forward on the people’s work. This afternoon I met with the republican and democratic leadership teams for the house and senate. I gave them an ultimatum, either cooperate with my agenda or be eaten. Apparently they thought I was joking. They all started laughing. So I ate them.

Now I know what you’re thinking, he couldn’t have eaten all of them, they’re way too greasy. But you’re wrong. As US President and werewolf I take my responsibilities and meals very seriously. So while I feel decidedly queasy I am fully committed to seeing this problem through to its logical end. So to speed up the process would any of you congressmen or senators who feels he must in good conscience vote against my requested legislation please move toward the left side of the room, your left that is. Everyone else can leave now and the last one out please lock the door behind you. Thank you and good night.

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….………. Good they’re gone. Now let’s get down to business…………………………….………

Scene 3: Oval Office, Thursday morning.

VPP:  Good morning sir, how are you feeling today.

PT:  Pence, this job is killing me. My cholesterol is through the roof and I can barely get into my fat suit. Look at me. I look like Jabba the Hut.

VPP:  Sir, no one would blame you for taking it easy for a few weeks. Why don’t you try a golf holiday?

PT:  But who will keep an eye on things while I’m gone.

VPP:  Well Mr. President, after the events of the last few months I doubt there’s anyone left who will give us any trouble. I’ll hold down the fort.

PT:  Okay I’ll do it. Where do you suggest I go?

VPP:  Well there is a big charity tournament in Hawaii. I believe your predecessor is one of the sponsors of the match.

PT:  Him? Hmmm. Well why not? By tomorrow I’ll probably be a little hungry again and he’s all skin and bones anyway. Might as well mix business with pleasure. I have a feeling I’m gonna kill it on the links.

VPP:  Yes Mr. President.

Trump vs Slashing the Deficit

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Scene 1: February 15th 2017; White House Oval Office

Vice President Pence (VPP): Good morning Mr. President.  I just got your message.  How can I help you?

President Trump (PT): Pence, we’ve got a big problem.  I’ve been president for weeks now and I haven’t shrunk government much at all.  What the hell is the problem?

VPP: Sir, we’re following all the protocols and directives built into the law.  We’ve replaced all the political appointees and offered severance packages to the middle management aparatchiks that Obama brought in.  But many of them are dyed in the wool communists who have no private sector skills and won’t leave under any circumstances.  I’m afraid sir we’ll have to work around them.

PT: Keep paying these losers to destroy our country?  Are you crazy Pence?  That’s not gonna happen.

VPP: But sir there’s nothing that can be done.

PT: Ha!  Pence you’re hopeless.  All right, get the following things going.  I want a list of all the personnel in the Department of Education in decreasing order of salary.  Then I want a portion of the D of E headquarters to be outfitted with sound proofing, washable paint, fire hoses and floor drains.  I’ll need five of my business suits sent there and about 300 rolls of dental floss.  Oh and you better also send about 300 lbs. of alka-seltzer.

VPP: Mr. President, you can’t do that!  These are American citizens.  They’ll be missed.

PT:  I could probably debate both of those points but instead I’ll remind you that I haven’t had breakfast yet.  So what’s it gonna be?

VPP: I’ll get going on that alka-seltzer right away.

PT: There’s hope for you yet Pence.

 

Scene 2: A week later.  Oval Office.

VPP: Good morning Mr. President.  Welcome back.

PT: Not so loud Pence, I’m a little under the weather.

VPP: Something you ate sir?

PT: You’re a laugh riot Pence.  Look, I need to get all my suits let out a little.  And set up a Presidential Address with the networks tonight.  I want to get things moving.

VPP: Right away Mr. President.

 

Scene 3: That night in the Oval Office with TV crews setting up video equipment.

PT: Okay Billy, show the recording light when you’re ready……….Good evening, my fellow Americans.  As you know I have been in office a few weeks now and the news guys have been hammering me about not fulfilling my campaign promises on the budget.  Well I am here to give you all an update.  As promised I’ve fulfilled my campaign promise to close the Education department.  It is officially gone.  I finished eating the last department personnel at 3 pm yesterday.  I went as far as to include all of the temporary staff to ensure that the budget is all the way down to zero.

But this is just a first step. Numerous branches of the federal government remain untrimmed and as your Werewolf President I intend to attend to these problems one by one.  Now granted, the Department of Education is a small branch and it won’t be possible to finish off something as bloated and fatty as the EPA or the Commerce Department in a week but I’ll do my damnedest.  And it won’t be easy on me.  Already I’m experiencing symptoms of indigestion, high cholesterol and gout.  But I intend to install a treadmill in the White House and run off the extra calories that this budget program will inflict on me.

I know that many will find this budget cutting disturbing and you will hear many in the media describing these measures as brutal and possibly criminal. I will answer these charges right away.  I have sent invitations to all of my heaviest critics to join me in the press room at the White House tomorrow to put these problems to rest.  That should take care of that.

So by the end of my first hundred days in office I vow to have trimmed down the federal government to a lean weight, except of course, for me. At that point I’ll be taking a few days off to allow for a long session of liposuction.  No sacrifice is too great for your Werewolf President when it benefits the American people.  Thank you and good night.  Trump out.

Monday’s Debate without the Fantasy

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Watching yesterday’s debate was a fascinating, frustrating informative look at this year’s election dynamic.  The most important fact I observed was that Donald Trump was the first Republican since Ronald Reagan who knew how to stand up to the moderator at a debate and say what he needed to say.

Think of the pathetic image of Mitt Romney being corrected by Candy Crowley on something that he had gotten right.  And that he meekly allowed her to get away with it.  Compare that to Trump.  Not only did he object to many things Hillary said (and while she was still speaking) but when Lester Holt tried to correct him on Stop and Frisk, Trump corrected Holt!  It was a pleasure to hear and see.  Trump may have been rambling and repetitive a lot of the time but at least he wasn’t cowed by the tag team of Clinton and Holt.  He asserted his opinion and it was a breath of fresh air.

Trump was even able to overcome the overtly biased nature of the questions.  Whereas Clinton was given neutral questions about her policy direction, Holt singled out Trump to defend his decision not to release his income tax records.  And to his credit he skillfully turned it right around on Clinton by declaring that he would release his income tax records just as soon as Hillary recovered the 33,000 e-mails that she has deleted.  It is this kind of verbal jiu-jitsu that distinguishes the effective debate performance of Trump from the weak passive performance of the last four or five republican presidential contenders.

Let me be clear.  Trump is no Reagan.  He is not a deep thinker.  He’s a salesman.  But he knows enough about scams to know that all of us are being scammed by the politicians.  He is an American and I think he empathizes with the common man.  Is he trustworthy?  Not if you’re buying steaks or college courses.  But that’s not what he’s selling.  What he’s offering is his expertise in negotiating with sharp operators. Some commentators friendly to Trump believe he avoided overtly attacking Clinton on personal matters (such as Bill’s womanizing and assaults) because it might have seemed overly aggressive. I think they’re right. He came off as a relatively moderate version of Trump which robbed his enemies (i.e., all of the MSM) of their charge that Trump is irrational. No national poll has been issued since the debate but a number of instant polls have appeared and the majority show people believe Trump won.

We’re six weeks out and two more debates to go. Where do I think we are? I’m starting to think Trump is going to pull it off. I fully expect the NYT, WP and NBC will come out with polls showing Hillary up by some enormous amount (6 to 10 points). But if the other polls (LAT, Rasmussen, Reuters, etc.) don’t move much or at all then I think he’ll win. My hope is that in fact some of the polls will even show him ahead by a significant amount (3 – 5 points). But that’s not even necessary yet. Just the fact that he’s right on her tail will be enough.

In short I feel the Trumpocalypse is afoot. Take cover.

Trump vs the Urban Fantasy Debate

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Scene 1: Trump Campaign HQ. Two nights before the First Debate.

 

Campaign Manager Steve Bannon (SB):  Mr. Trump, you called for me?

Donald Trump (DT):  Bannon, I need your help preparing for the debate.

SB:  Certainly sir.  Do you need someone to stand in for Mrs. Clinton or the moderator?

DT:  Well sort of.  I need someone who’s the same height and weight as Hillary.

SB:  Uhhhh …… why?

DT:  I need to practice some fighting techniques for when she vamps out and rushes me.

SB:  Mr. Trump, I must assure you that there is absolutely no possibility that Mrs. Clinton is a vampire.  And despite what occurred in Louisiana, you are most definitely not a werewolf.

DT:  Look Bannon, obviously you’re just not as perceptive as I am.  You know, with my werewolf senses and stuff.  Trust me.  It’s completely certain that she is some species of undead and 83% certain to be a vampire.  The science is settled on this point.  You either have to lead, follow or get out of the way.  I intend to lead.  My plan is to replace the drinking water on the stage with holy water and when she drinks it her face and throat will burst into flames.  At that point I intend to stake her and pin her to the podium carpet.  Then I’ll  explain to the Secret Service the importance of decapitating her and stuffing her mouth with garlic as soon as the debate is finished.  My only problem at this point is whether I should go after Bill next or hold off until the full moon.  I believe he is the senior vampire and his strength may be too great for me to take him down without my werewolf power.

SB:  For God’s sake stop this insanity.  You’re running for the most powerful office in the world.  If anyone heard you talking like this you’d be locked up in a nuthouse within an hour.  When I took this job I knew you were goofy but I didn’t think you were bat-shit crazy.  Look I should probably drop a dime on you myself but so help me I need this gig to work.  So come on, snap out of it and try to act sane.

DT:  Bannon, I can’t work with someone so stupid. You’re fired. Now send in Kellyanne so I can get going on this debate prep work.

SB: Goodbye and good riddance you psycho.

Scene 2: First Presidential Debate.

BBC Correspondent (BBCC): Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome to the BBC radio coverage of the 2016 First Presidential Debate between Democratic Party candidate, the esteemed former First Lady, United States Senator and Secretary of State, Hillary Rodham Clinton and Republican Party candidate, the eccentric failed businessman and reality show personality Donald Trump. The candidates have met for a decidedly tepid handshake and now have taken their places at their podiums. Mrs Clinton is looking decidedly hale and hearty and not at all like the frail elderly person that the Trump campaign has presented her as. As you can now hear Mr. Trump is making some decidedly sophomoric opening remarks about mexican payment for masonry or some such rubbish. Now it is Mrs. Clinton’s turn and as you must hear her diction and elocution is masterful and might I even say delightful. Why it seems entirely possible that Mr. Trump may retreat immediately and vacate the stage in the face of such commanding eloquence. Mrs. Clinton has finished and the studio audience is standing and applauding quite spontaneously. It’s an amazing sight. I think I can be forgiven for saying that a second debate will be completely unnecessary. I feel I must go on the record to congratulate Madam President for this amazing victory. Well done, oh well done.

Trump looks dumbfounded he’s just looking at Hillary as if he expects more punishment from her. Mrs. Clinton is basking in the glow of her still cheering audience. Now she’s reaching for her glass of water for a well deserved beverage. The moderator has asked Trump his first question but the oafish challenger is so overwhelmed by the intellectual beating he’s just taken he hasn’t heard a word of it. He’s still staring at the First Lady as if she will further abuse him while drinking her water. Does he imagine her to be a ventriloquist?

Wait a minute something terrible has just occurred! An enormous flash of light and flames have erupted around the face of Hillary Rodham Clinton. Was the water in the glass actually some kind of incendiary material. A horrible shriek is going up. Oh the poor woman! The secret service is converging on her. They’ve encircled her. Oh help her, help her! She’s on the floor now. But wait the agents are scattering away. All but one. He is holding the First Lady. No she has him. Now he’s screaming. Something unbelievable is occurring. Mrs. Clinton seems to have increased in size and metamorphosed somehow. She is ripping out of the delightful powder blue pantsuit and is taking on a decidedly bat-like appearance. She seems to have exsanguinated the secret service gentleman and is approaching the moderator. This is taking a decidedly unexpected turn and it appears that the moderator feels that Mrs. Clinton has exceeded the already very generous bounds of allowable debating technique at this juncture.

But hold on, Mr. Trump is charging at Mrs. Clinton and appears to have a large pointed wooden implement in his hand. Although this also seems outside the bounds of allowable debating etiquette it appears the moderator is not going to object. Mrs. Clinton must have noticed his approach because she has pivoted away from the moderator and is facing Trump. But alas she is too late. He has implanted the wooden object into Mrs. Clinton’s thoracic region right up to the hilt. And he calls himself a gentleman! Shocking.

Mrs. Clinton has landed on her back and is thrashing about spasmodically. Mr. Trump is standing back. He’s saying something. I can’t make it out. I’m looking at the program feed that we provide for the deaf viewers and it has transcribed his words as “suck on that Bannon.” Well that strikes me as entirely cryptic.

Well Mrs. Clinton appears to have expired and is beginning to deflate down into a dessicated pile of detritus. Mr. Trump is returning to his podium and appears about to speak. Let’s move in for his comments.

DT: Good evening my fellow Americans. Tonight we have witnessed the ultimate proof of the greatness that is Trump. I have saved America from the undead and also higher taxes. Because of the short window of opportunity to select a new democratic candidate I have instructed the Democrats to leave Hillary’s name on the ballot. Let’s face it, anyone they picked at this point is probably also undead and I’ll just have to stake him too. Because of the shocking events of tonight and also because I myself am now a werewolf, I’ve decided to end my campaigning activities and will just wait for your acclamation in November. So go back to your lives and don’t worry about anything. Werewolf Trump has got your back. After my inauguration I’ll be using my special werewolf senses to root out injustice and corruption wherever it exists in the federal government. My summary judgement will be brutal but fair. Also I’ll be taping these events for my new reality series “Vigilante Werewolf President.” It will be hard-hitting but classy. Very little nudity. I predict it will last eight seasons or more. Trump out.

Trump vs the Undead

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Donald Trump (DT)  Hey Bannon!  Where’s my Deadpool suit? I left it on this chair five minutes ago and now it’s gone.  We’ve got a thief around here.  Call Christie.  He used to be a cop or a judge or something.

Campaign Chief Executive Stephen Bannon (SB)  No Mr. Trump.  It wasn’t stolen.  I had it put in the closet.

(DT)  You stole my costume?  Whose side are you on?  Even Rosie O’Donnell never stole my stuff.  And she’s the worst person in the world you know.

(SB)  Governor Christie called me about your George Washington Bridge plan.  I told the Secret Service and they stopped all the arrangements you were making.  Mr. Trump you realize how dangerous and irresponsible your plan is don’t you?

(DT)  Relax.  It was gonna be done with CGI.  You know. Green screen (or blue screen or sun screen or something).  Come on Bannon we’re behind in this race.  We’ve gotta shake things up.  Start thinking outside the box.  That’s why I hired you.

(SB)  Well CGI is okay but I think we need to do something a little less uhhh … symbolic and a little more focused.

(DT)  Well then, you come up with something and hurry up.  I hate to be behind that old bag of bones.

(SB)  Bag of bones?  Hmmm.  I think I’ve got an interesting idea. All of Hillary’s recent health problems, the coughing, the spastic tics, the cackle, the slips and falls, could be explained if we found out that she had died years ago during that surgery for her broken elbow back in 2009.

(DT)  But if she died what is she doing walking around?

(SB)  Exactly.  The walking dead.  We’ll locate a doctor who can explain how the Hillary beast could have been re-animated using either black magic or some kind of zombie elixir. Then we’ll get some legal scholars to show that once she died and was revived her age reset to newborn and therefore she’s too young to fulfill the minimum age limit for president.

(DT)  And they say I’m crazy.  Do you seriously believe anyone is gonna buy the idea that Hillary is seven years old.  I mean, come on!  Look at her.  She’s a gargoyle.

(SB)  All right.  If you don’t like zombie how about vampire?  She always seems to be covered with make-up.  That could be to protect her skin from bursting into flames in the sunlight.  It would explain why she couldn’t stay out at the World Trade Center.  And it would account for her new vehicle.  Obviously she’s keeping a coffin full of the dirt of her homeland in the car to revive her after the weakening effects of the sun.  That explains why an hour later she was revived.  How’s that for thinking outside the “box?”

(DT)  Actually, I could believe that one.  But are you sure that will help me?  I hear kids actually empathize with vampires in stories nowadays.

(SB)  Actually more of them sympathize with werewolves than with vampires.  It would be Team Donald versus Team Hillary and we’d mop the floor with them.  We could establish that you were bitten by a werewolf while helping out down in Louisiana and now you sprout thick hair during the full moon and devour illegal aliens you run across.

(DT)  Sprout thick hair?  Hmm.  Maybe this werewolf thing isn’t as bad as it sounds.  Seems like there could be some advantages.  Could I tape some of my campaign commercials during my good hair, I mean werewolf phase?

(SB)  Well Mr. Trump I’m no expert on lycanthropy but once you transform I believe the only thing you’ll be able to do is rip people to shreds.

(DT)  Interesting.  Bannon I have a side job for you to take care of.  I want you to set up a media event.  Hire Rosie O’Donnell to debate me on air during the full, I mean next week.  Offer whatever she wants, but don’t pay upfront.  And take out the usual double indemnity policy on her.  I just have this feeling.

(SB)  Mr. Trump, come on, you’re not a werewolf.

(DT)  Bannon, while I was down in Louisiana we had a little incident with something they call a Loup Garou.  Know what that is?

(SB) Yes.

(DT)  Good.  Go call Rosie.

(SB)  Okay Mr. Trump.  I’m assuming we won’t actually broadcast this meeting.  That might negatively impact the campaign.

(DT)  Definitely not.  Just keep a copy of the video for my private use.  Oh and be sure to leave some floss and a toothbrush at the studio.  She looks like she could be kinda tough.

(SB)  Certainly Mr. Trump.  All will be arranged as you want.

(DT)  See now I know I was right hiring you.  You’re a very reasonable man.