Category: Trump

September 11th Election Update

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September 11th is too solemn a day for me to publish a Trump comedy. I’ll just sum up the bizarre combination that surrounds the events of this day and the impressions they leave. When September 11th 2001 occurred there was still the semblance of a united country. That has long since dissolved into a hodge podge of leftist grievance groups, disillusioned citizens and ignorant children. Watching as Clinton puts on the clown hat that Trump has momentarily dropped is tragically funny. To see the US presidency contested by two truly awful human beings and realize that in some sense each one is sort of what the country deserves is simultaneously enormously funny and heartbreakingly tragic.

But we have no choice but to see it through. As I’ve said before I look forward to the election’s completion.

If Clinton wins then I can read a eulogy over the United States of America. Hillary intends to appoint leftists to the Supreme Court and gut the 1st and 2nd amendments. That will more or less end the experiment started in 1776. It will also end my concerns with this sinking ship. After that I’ll just concentrate on me and mine and any like minded folks I find. Amen.

If Trump wins I’ll be almost disappointed because I won’t be out of my misery. I’ll still have to bang my head against the wall over the endless foibles of the lunatic asylum that Trump will usher in. But I guess the old saying about life and hope remains. So let’s say that would still be the more favorable outcome.

Anyway after the bizarre occurrences of Hillary’s fainting spell it’s not beyond possibility that the democrats end up with a different candidate. Maybe Fauxcahantas or Crazy Uncle Joe. Either way we are about to see a circus like nothing dreamed of before. Watching Trump berate the democrat candidate and the democrat moderators will be close to a Monty Python skit. After this morose and boring post I’ll try to uphold my plan of mock chronicling the election as a farce with all the mockery and sarcasm that both sides richly deserve. With any luck Trump will prevail and I’ll be able to continue the comedy in the inaugural season. If Hillary wins I’ll have to quit this project. Under her regime this writing would probably be a felony. I’ll move on to something more profitable (and less candid).

So stay tuned for the fun. I predict that Mr Trump will continue his fascination with popular culture and bring great enthusiasm and dignity to all of his endeavors. And since I’m currently fascinated by all things Deadpool I predict more mashups of the two. After all what better metaphor can there be for the current chain reaction pile-up that is our world than the opening scene of Deadpool with a slow motion view of a spinning, tumbling car crash complete with mayhem and bodies ejecting to their deaths all to the tune of Just Call Me Angel In the Morning?

Trump vs October

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Scene:  Trump home,  90th floor of New Trump Tower

Donald Trump (DT): Melania, Where’s my Halloween costume?

Melania Trump (MT): I don’t know schmoopy, what does it look like?

DT: It’s a Dead Pool costume, schmoopy.

MT: I do not know the Ned Poole.

DT: Not Ned Poole, Dead Pool. He’s a super hero who kills bad guys and makes fun of them at the same time. He’s a lot like me only poorer and he kills bad guys. Also he’s very popular. If I dress up like him I’m sure to get the youth vote.

MT: Okay, what does it look like.

DT: Well it’s your typical lycra spandex super hero suit with a mask that completely covers the face.

MT: Schmoopy, I don’t think spandex is your look.

DT: Don’t worry there is molded body armor underneath to … ummm? … contour my physique.

MT: Will it compensate for “small hands?”

DT: I have no idea what you’re talking about… but yes it will.

MT: But doesn’t covering your face detract from your biggest advantage?

DT: My stunning good looks?

MT: Uh… yeah that too, but I was thinking about your famousness.

DT: Already have it covered. The costume will be customized to show my hair.

MT: Okay good choice but I haven’t seen this costume in the 90th floor bedroom. Maybe it’s in the 88th floor closet or maybe the 97th floor closet.

DT: What the hell is going on around here? The system is breaking down. I need that costume right away. It’s almost Halloween and I have to start practicing my walk for the Halloween Presidential Debate Red Carpet stroll.

MT: But schmoopy that’s two whole months from now.

DT: I know but there’s a lot of preparation. I have to identify the rest of my entourage. I’m going to need a side-kick. I guess that’ll be Pence (oh boy!) and a super villian, probably dress Chris Christie up as Hillary (he’ll need some extra padding now), and a super hot girlfriend in a see-through skin-tight, topless thong arrangement.

MT: Well at least you don’t have to look for her. I have just the outfit, it’s perfect.

DT: Uh schmoopy I don’t think that’s a good idea.

MT: Why? Just because I’m gonna be the First Lady I can’t show off the merchandise.

DT: Uh … yeah, that’s it. But also for this occasion I’ll need to maximize the effect. I’ll need someone between twenty two and twenty two and a third years old. It’s been researched. I’m depending on getting the young nerd vote and any one older will turn them off.

MT: Oh!!! This politics is ruining our lives. You told me I had at least three more years before I’m too old for you! This is most unfair.

DT: No, no schmoopy, it’s made things better. After I win the election you’ll have at least four years. I’ll need to sew up the second term and it wouldn’t be smart to dump you in the middle of the campaign. You see, it’s a win/win.

MT: Oh schmoopy, you’re so smart. So tell me more about this Dead Pool. Why does he wear a mask? To hide his secret identity?

DT: No, he’s horribly disfigured. Boy I’m glad I’m not really him. It would be a terrible loss to the culture to lose this beautiful face. I mean think of it. If I weren’t this handsome I would never have been able to capture you.

MT: Huh? Oh yes, yes. That’s right. A girl needs a handsome face. That’s all, that’s all. Sure, sure. Uh listen schmoopy, I’ve got to go out right now I’m trying on a few platinum and emerald ball gowns for the Inauguration and I can’t decide whether they are too traditional. I’ll see you tonight in Sydney for the Opera.

DT: No can do schmoopy. I’ve got to get this Dead Pool thing straightened out. The election and the country are depending on me to get this right. Otherwise, disaster.

MT: Suit yourself. (Heads out the door.)

DT: …Now where was I? Oh yeah, (selects a contact on his phone and it rings). Hello Christie, yeah go ahead with the Hillary costume. I don’t care if powder blue makes your ass look big. And also I’ll need you to close up traffic on the George Washington Bridge for a few hours. Oh stop complaining you’re not gonna get re-elected anyway. If it makes a difference we won’t do it during rush hour. I need to be able to jump off one of the cables and crash through the roof of a car while playing “Just Call Me Angel In the Morning.” Why? You’re asking why?  Don’t you know anything about becoming President?

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Trump vs Manning Up: ( A Hopeful Fantasy)

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Location: National Guard base in Louisiana

Secret Service Agent (SSA): Mr. Trump, the motorcade is ready for the trip back to the airport.

Donald Trump (DT): Okay Joseph. I’m just sending a text home. How long should I say it will take us to get back to the airport?

SSA: Three hours sir.

DT: Three hours? That can’t be right. It only took 45 minutes to get here.

SSA: We have to detour around the area we accessed earlier. The National Guard is in there now and we might get stuck behind some major rescue operation or caught in a swamped out road. It may get kind of uncomfortable in there.

DT: Might? May? Come on Joseph, man up! If we’re lucky we’ll save more than two hours and be in New York in time for dinner.

SSA: If you insist sir.

(Fifteen minutes down the road)

DT: Joseph, what’s the delay.

SSA: There’s a convoy at the intersection bringing out some families from the low ground ahead. We’ll be moving in a minute.

DT: Good.

DT: Lotta kids and old people there.

SSA: Yes, sir.

DT: They look beat.

SSA: Yes sir. They’re scared and tired. Alright we’ll be going on now.

DT: Ahh, okay, good.

(Ten minutes later)

DT: Oh my God. Look at those houses. They’re submerged! Is there anyone inside.

SSA: No sir. This is where those people you saw used to live.

DT: Ohh.  Uncomfortable you said.

SSA:  Yes.

Five minutes later.

DT: Joseph, where are they gonna put those people.

SSA: Temporary shelters. Military bases. Actually they’re trying to figure that out now.

DT: Ohh.

Five minutes later.

DT: Joseph.

SSA: Yes, Mr Trump.

DT: Head back to the command base.

SSA: But we’ll be late sir.

DT: I guess I’m already almost too late, Joseph.

SSA: As you said sir, man up.

DT:  Yep.

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August 21st 2016 Election Status Report

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The USC Dornsife/Los Angeles Times Presidential Poll is a rolling poll that is updated daily. It’s based on a 3,000 eligible voters. Today Donald Trump is ahead of Hillary Clinton 45% to 43%. What does this mean? Well, actually who knows. What it means to me is that a non-republican polling group has Trump ahead. To me that makes it credible. It doesn’t mean he’s definitely winning. But it does mean that those ridiculous polls by every left wing pollster imaginable showing Hillary ahead by 10% or 15% or even 20 % are a bunch of crap.

And that’s important. It means the drive by media will attempt another hit piece about Trump eating baby unicorns. It also means that Louisiana and the other bad news for democrats stories have had some traction. Labor Day is getting close and it’s time for the campaigns to switch into high gear. Expect endless political commercials and endless democrat outrage at anything Trump says. Well, it’s time for him to up his game. And based on the last week’s worth of speeches (in Milwaukee and Louisiana) I think he might be ready.

Hopefully Trump’s folks are ready to start spending money on advertising. I just hope they use it to go for the throat. Playing it safe isn’t what got him this far and it isn’t what he needs to pull ahead. The appeal to black voters was smart and also innovative. It speaks to the fundamental weakness of the democrat coalition. A few more jabs like that would put a good scare into the dems and might even get some votes from unexpected quarters.

I think focusing on the Millennials would be a very smart move. They are the primary recipients of the Obama economic meltdown. The Bernie voters are still out there and ripe for the picking. Another good move might be focusing on some cultural factors. Playing up the political correctness aspects of progressive organizations and groups and how they restrict the freedom of everyday people would seem to be fertile ground for campaigning.

Finally I think pointing up the most obnoxious qualities and policies of Obama (IRS attacks, executive orders putting coal miners out of work) is a political winner. So prepare for the two-fold narrative push:

1) Hillary is already a “lock.”

2) Have you heard the latest Trump gaffe?

That’s what the Trump campaign needs to push back on. Hopefully they’ve put together a good strategy. If there are going to be debates I expect that will be Hillary’s weakest link. She’s not very good off the cuff. The only thing he has to be careful about is looking to mean to the old bag.

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The Trump Test

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Recently many of my conservative friends have expressed a feeling of extreme dread. Their fear is that Hillary’s victory is inevitable.

I tell them there is nothing to worry about. Just go about your business and be as happy as you can. Here’s why.

Some of these friends of mine are strongly anti-Trump and each one loudly proclaims that his conscience will not allow him to vote for “The Donald.” Either he’ll vote for Hillary or Johnson or not vote at all. So for this faction of fretters I can honestly feel nothing but scorn. After all, they will be getting what they are abetting.

Then there are the others. They support Trump either enthusiastically or reluctantly but fear that he is doomed to lose. Well these folks I do sympathize with. They recognize Clinton as an evil and will do what must be done to avoid it. And the media is working in overdrive to both convince everyone that Hillary has already won and also that Trump is the epitome of evil incompetence. These poor conservatives fret, “If only we had a better candidate than Trump. We’d be sure to win. This election year the demographics demand a moderate. If we had a Romney or a McCain we’d be able to capture that swing vote. Then we can build a coalition of young voters who understand the advantages of the conservative approach.”

Sounds reasonable doesn’t it. But doesn’t it also sound familiar? Since 1992 every election has been described as hanging by a thread. Every one of them has required that conservatives compromise their principles and embrace a squishy moderate who manages to drive away more people on the right than he attracts from the supposed middle. Bush Senior, Dole, Bush Junior, McCain and Romney. We haven’t united people under a conservative banner. We’ve alienated the middle class by pushing globalism and elitist priorities. We’ve lost the Reagan Democrats. They either vote democrat or don’t vote at all. Now we’ll lose the social conservatives as we compromise on the first and second amendments. So Trump may be deeply flawed as a candidate but at least he’s not squishy. Flaky? Yes. Philosophically unsophisticated? Sure. Elitist? Actually, not. Authentic? Very possibly!

I feel that Trump is a self-absorbed ego-maniac. But he’s not anti-American at all. That may be his greatest virtue. Put these things together and it hardly seems like a ringing endorsement. But actually it is. What he does have is an understanding of the underlying policies that are destroying the United States. That alone supremely qualifies him to be elected this year. This outweighs all his negatives. Because all his opponents on the left and the right failed to tell the simple truth about what needs to be done.

My short hand for this is, “He may be a crazy son of a bitch but he’s our crazy son of a bitch.”

So that’s my answer to why they should vote for Trump. But that doesn’t answer their fears that he will lose. For this the answers are even less comforting.

You’ve heard some people saying that voting for Trump is people “burning the system down.” This seems to mean that they are voting for Trump to spite the republican establishment. People may actually think this is the only significance. I think there’s much more going on there. I think what is happening is we are reaching a tipping point. When people no longer believe that the establishment (including both the democrats and the republicans) will help the common people (either because they don’t know how or don’t want to) they will change the system. Pat Buchanan ran on a populist stance back in 1992 and only got 3 million votes in the primaries and didn’t come close to winning. This year Trump garnered the most primary votes ever in a republican primary season (14 million) and beat a field of 16 rivals that outspent him by hundreds of millions of dollars. Bernie Sanders ran a populist ticket and gave the “Anointed One” a run for her money. I think we are near the end of business as usual. Pretty soon people are going to stop waiting for the parties to pick a leader. They’ll be listening for the angriest voice. And that’s a pretty dangerous time. The moment will belong to whomever can grasp it. In the past that hasn’t always been the best or the wisest. Sometimes it’s the strongest.

I think we’re almost there. I think Trump is a tv cartoon version of the strongman. He blusters and struts. But I don’t think he’s Caesar. And for that maybe we should be grateful. Under a Trump administration possibly business leaders might be willing to put the national interest ahead of their global destiny. Maybe they won’t. If Trump fails and Americans continue to see their lives and the their future (their children’s future) diminished they will turn to a strongman. And then things will change.

But either way I don’t think we need to worry about Hillary. If she gets in it will just accelerate the process. Once she and Bill have looted the Treasury and fled to New Zealand we’ll end up with a man who makes Trump seem like Mr. Rogers. So that’s the Trump challenge. Either way we’re not far away from some fairly radical change. So don’t bother worrying about the election. Our brethren will either embrace a moderate populist or wait till later to bring on a much stronger dose of medicine. Much bigger things are on the horizon. Keep your eyes open and your mind alert. We live in interesting times.

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Trump vs Day 2

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President Trump (PT)  –  Oh my head.  What the hell was in that lousy champagne they served last night at the Inaugural Ball?  Tell that guy who provided the wine that he’s fired!

Vice President Pence (VPP) – That was the President of France, Mr. President.

PT – Exactly.  France is a loser country.  Very low energy.  We’ll rename Quebec, New France and use them instead for wine and cheese.

VPP – I don’t think you can grow wine grapes in Quebec.

PT – Then we’ll rename Louisiana, New France!  Stop making this difficult Mike.  I don’t want to have to ban you from the Oval Office.

VPP – Yes Mr. President.

PT -Okay, so now I’m president what’s next?

VPP – Well, traditionally, you provide Congress with your list of cabinet appointees for them to approve and begin oversight of the executive branch.

PT – How long does that take?

VPP – At least a few weeks?

PT – Weeks? And when do I fire all the Obama people and other people I don’t like?

VPP – Wouldn’t it be better to wait until your people are in place? That would minimize the amount of confusion and make the transition smoother.

PT – Smooth transition? Weeks of delay? Oh no, no, no, no, no. We need to shake these people up and put the fear of Trump into them. I’m gonna clear these free-loaders out tomorrow.

VPP – But you don’t have any staff. How are you going to do all that?

PT – Easy. You’re gonna do it for me.

VPP – But I don’t have any staff yet either. What can I do?

PT – You can type can’t you? You know how to look up the executive branch on Wikipedia don’t you? You’re gonna write a letter to each of the cabinet level heads saying he’s fired and I’m gonna sign them. Then you’re gonna write a letter to each of the department deputies and say if he doesn’t follow the executive orders I’m about to issue that he too will be fired and I’ll sign those. Then carbon copy the newspapers and media desks and send a copy to the joint chiefs of staff.

VPP – What do I look like? Your secretary?

PT – You got anything better to do Pence? Look, we don’t have a lot of time if we’re going to fix this government. I need to get things humming around here. If you don’t want to help, then go over to the VP mansion and start writing your memoirs. I’ll put an ad in the Pennysaver and hire a high school kid who wants a job. And in four years I’ll make him my next vice president. But tell me quick if you want to help because I’ve got a lot of work to do.

VPP – Uh, I’ll get my laptop and get started on the letters.

PT – Good. That sounds a lot less weak than your excuses. Tell the kitchen to send up some sandwiches and coffee.

VPP – Yes Mr. President.

PT – Oh and tell the Secret Service to change the locks and passwords on all the doors. Melania’s afraid that old pervert Biden will try to get back in and cop a feel.

VPP – Yes Mr. President.

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Trump Vs. The Bizarro World

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So here we are at the Republican Convention. Melania Trump is plagiarizing from Michelle Obama’s boring speeches and after every floor vote by the rules committee the republican clown car ricochets off of all three circus rings. Under any other circumstance I’d be laughing at the chances of Trump being elected. But this is the Bizarro World. Every time Trump says something stupid or pompous or insane, another BLM madman kills a bunch of cops or a jihadi slaughters a crowd of people and once again makes Trump the sane choice.

Let me be perfectly clear. Bozo the Clown would probably make a more dignified President of the United States than Donald Trump. But once again, in the Bizarro World where Donald Trump is the only candidate unafraid of talking about Islamic Terrorists, Inner City Thugs or Illegal Aliens, he’s the best choice available.

And what does that tell us? I think we can break it down into a few different facts.

1) Donald Trump recognized that there were things the republicans needed to say but were afraid to. So he said them.
Republicans knew what a lot of non-progressives disliked about the democrat agenda. What they didn’t realize was what these same people disliked about republican priorities. They didn’t like the globalist agenda. That includes off-shoring jobs and on-shoring people (massive immigration whether legal or illegal). Also part of that agenda is the endless defense of the “religion of peace.” The repeating of this mantra after each horrific attack has finally turned it into a sad joke. Trump has recognized these things and they have resonated with both republicans and blue collar democrats. Despite his many obvious flaws as a candidate and a human being he was able to see these things clearly. This ability to identify what people are unhappy about is an advantage that almost completely neutralizes his otherwise enormous negatives. This is completely separate from his skills at attacking his opponents and deflecting attacks. But these do point to his realization that people are fed up with politically correct speaking rules. He is unapologetic and extremely plain spoken. The electorate likes this.

2) The Republican leaders were out of touch with what their constituency wanted.
This point is the flip-side of what Trump did right. The republicans have been trying so hard to court all of the democrat constituencies (women, young adults, blacks, hispanics, gays) that they’ve managed instead to alienate their own core constituency (adult straight white men). Without that demographic almost completely on its side republicans have a very difficult task winning elections. What they seem incapable of processing is that they won’t increase their appeal to these other groups by being a watered down version of the democrat party. You’re never going to get most hispanics voting for you without losing a larger number of core constituency voters. The democrats will always be promising more loot than the republicans.

3) The American people are divided and extremely unhappy.
The United States is no longer united. A large chunk of the population wants a nanny state where the government feeds you, houses you, tells you what to say and think and decides everything for you. The rest of us sort of still adhere to the basic idea of the Constitution. Neither Trump nor Clinton actually embrace the Constitutionalists. The best you can say about Trump is that he has pledged to recommend supreme court justices that are strict constructionists. But this is indeed a difficult period for American democracy.

Conclusion

So where does all this leave us? In my opinion, in a very bad spot. A lot of this stuff is very reminiscent of the end of the Roman Republic. The plebians and the patricians were at each other’s throats and rich demagogues were promising the mob bread and circuses for their votes. Back then they also experienced a decay of religious belief and family values. Disruptions to the economy associated with globalization obsoleted many of the comforting ways of life.

So my advice to you dear readers is embrace the bizarro! Trump is the man of the hour so hitch your wagon to his star. If he loses then Caligula (the Clintons) will have all of us crucified in January. If he wins then we’ll muddle on until something even stranger and more disastrous appears on the horizon. But either way hold on to your beliefs about what is right and wrong and pray that eventually we’ll re-emerge on the other side of the worm-hole where America is normal again. My secret hope is that Mike Pence will turn out to be stronger than his recent flip-flop on religious protection showed him and after Trump’s reign we’ll get an actual conservative in the White House. But I’m not holding my breath.

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Independence Day – A Few Thoughts

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So I’m an American. Great grandson of immigrants. Close enough to the boat to know what it is like to be one of the newbies but around long enough to feel a pride in belonging to something exceptional.

I was brought up on the notion that living here was as close to being in heaven as you could get without having to die. And in a lot of ways it lived up to the hype. The streets weren’t paved with gold. But they were paved. No one starved. And that even went for the “poor.” Even the marginally working class had enough to feed a family. Everyone could read and write and if you weren’t a hopeless sociopath chances were you could hold down some kind of job and support yourself. Most folks attended a church and dragged the kids along to help “steer them in the right direction.”

The general notion was that America was a machine that took well-intentioned people who followed the rules and worked hard and from them generated wealth and happiness for everyone.

But sometimes the machine ran off the rails. The two big hiccups that I grew up with were the 1930’s and the late 1970’s. Each of these events damaged the morale of the nation and brought into question the stability of our way of life. No one knows how the world would have turned out if the Second World War hadn’t “saved” us from the Depression but what is important is that by the twentieth century Americans believed that not only could the US government avoid recessions but if it didn’t it would be held responsible. Herbert Hoover was vilified as the epitome of a callous plutocrat. And Jimmy Carter was cast out as a loser who had allowed the American industrial engine to stall out into stagflation.

Coming up to the present, George W. Bush was blamed for the Crash of 2008. In an eight year period that in many ways resembled the ’30s, Obama seemed to mostly get a pass for not reviving the American economy. This is reminiscent of the treatment FDR received. Apparently if you can vilify your predecessor successfully enough you can avoid blame (if you’re a democrat).

So what have we learned? Americans expect results. Especially from republicans. Apparently people don’t expect democrats to make the economy work. They will settle for handouts. But republicans have to deliver. The logic must be, “you people are always talking about free enterprise, well, put up or shut up.”

So here’s the whole thing in a nutshell. If you want to be a republican president coming in under a bad economy and you want to be re-elected, you not only have to revive the economy but you also have to do it in your first two years. Otherwise you’ll lose the Congress and be hamstrung by the democrats.

Unless of course you can buy off the people with free stuff (a la the democrats) and/or distract them with some bigger problem. Trump is betting that immigration is that bigger problem. And he may be right. If he actually accomplishes a good chunk of his deportation idea, he may get some extra time to revive the economy.

All right, this whole convoluted essay is basically trying to confirm something that is becoming harder for even the purest free trade advocate to ignore. The American People are fine with business making lots of money, as long as they are part of that equation. If American companies move all their plants and their jobs offshore then they’re not American companies. And they should not be treated as such. And if a foreign company builds a plant in the US and employs Americans then they should be rewarded any way we can. It’s not all that complicated. Americans with jobs don’t turn into a mob. So get them jobs, now!

Whoever gets into office next better get results and fast. Or else there are gonna be fireworks.

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Donald Trump vs. the All-Star Break

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Scene: Trump for President campaign Headquarters, noticeably quiet.

Donald Trump (DT) – Hey where is everybody? Where are all the reporters waiting for my abuse?
Obsequious Flunky (OF) – Good morning sir. It’s so good to see you … here.
DT – Skip the groveling. Where the hell is everyone? I haven’t insulted anyone in almost a day. What the hell is going on here? The New York Times says I’m slipping in the polls and Hillary hasn’t coughed up a fur ball in over a week.
OF – Don’t worry sir. We’ve lined up an interview for you with Brian Williams.
DT – Williams? Are you nuts. He’s a total loser. They won’t even let him cover an Easter Egg Roll. He’s poison. Cancel that right now.
OF – But Mr. Trump there’s nothing else scheduled today. You’ll have to go twenty four hours without a reporter beating. That would be death for your election hopes.
DT – You lousy flunky! I’ll have your head for this. You’re fired!

Scene: Trump’s bedroom. Donald is on the phone with his wife Melania.
DT – Shmoopie, I’m worried. I fired my obsequious flunky and now I’ll have to go all the way until Monday without a headline. This could cost me the election.
MT – Oh no shmoopie, does this mean I’ll be poor?
DT – No, of course not. But it could mean you won’t get to live in the White House and you’ld have to stay here in Trump Tower.
MT – (delay before anwering) Yeahhhhh, that would be really bad. Anyway shmoopie, don’t worry. You are very smart and they are very ugly and smelly. You will win.
DT – Well I hope you’re right. Good night shmoopie.
MT – Good night shmoopie.
(They hang up.)
DT – (talking to himself as he gets into bed) I feel so alone. Who can I go to for advice. Nobody is as great as I am. Who can understand my unique problems? (he falls asleep).
Scene: Same bedroom later. The ghost of George Steinbrenner appear at the foot of Trump’s bed.
Ghost of George Steinbrenner (GoGS) – Donald, Donald, wake up.
DT – (waking up and pulling a 1910 from under his bed and pointing it at the apparition) Who the hell are you and who let you in?
GoGS – Donald it’s me George Steinbrenner.
DT – That’s impossible. Steinbrenner is dead.
GoGS – Yes and I’m his ghost.
DT – Holy crap. You do look like him! Well what do you want?
GoGS – I’ve come to help you with your problem.
DT – There is no problem. My hands are not only everything they should be but they’re also everything they could be.
GoGS – No you idiot I’m talking about your campaign problem.
DT – Oh that. Can you really help me?
GoGS – Yes. I know exactly what you need.
DT – Well then what should I do?
GoGS – Nothing.
DT – Well that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. If I do nothing Hillary wins.
GoGS – Hear me out. What was my expertise?
DT – Building ships?
GoGS – Yeah but what was I known for?
DT – Hiring and firing Billy Martin?
GoGS – Exactly. Baseball. I knew exactly how to navigate a baseball season. And did you know that a presidential campaign and a baseball season are almost identical?
DT – I stand corrected. THAT is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
GoGS – Oh yeah smart guy? Think about it for a minute. Before the primaries is basically spring training. The primaries are the first half of the season. The convention is the All-Star Game. And the rest of the season leads up to the World Series which ends about the beginning of November.
DT – Okay. So let’s pretend that that makes sense. How does that help me?
GoGS – Well think about it. It’s almost time for the All-Star Game. What happens right before the All-Star Game?
DT – I don’t know. What.
GoGS – Exactly. Nothing. Nobody pays any attention for the last couple of weeks before the All-Star Game. Everybody needs a break from the non-stop schedule. And the All-Star Game (just like the convention) is a big symbolic stop in the calendar to let us catch our breath and enjoy the Fourth of July before the second half of the season begins.
DT – Okay that almost makes sense. So you’re saying I should go into hiding until the Convention.
GoGS – Hell no! Just make sure you don’t commit any unforced errors before then. Relax and map out your strategy for the playoffs and get ready for the World Series.
DT – You know, that’s pretty good. Thanks. I do feel better.
GoGS – Good. Now go back to sleep and make up some new names for Bill and Hillary.
DT – Thank you Ghost of George Steinbrenner. Is there anything I can do for you once I become President?
GoGS – Well a presidential decree disbanding the Boston Red Sox would be appreciated.

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The Day the Trump Stood Still

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump ,

Scene: The Trump Penthouse Apartment
Morning.

Melania Trump (MT): Good morning, Shmoopie. Would you like bacon and eggs, or pancakes, or an omelet, or French Toast for breakfast?

Donald Trump (DT): Yes, Shmoopie.

(MP): Yes, but which one?

(DT): All of them, of course, Shmoopie.

(MP): No, you’re shmoopie!

(DT): No, you’re shmoopie!

(MP): Shmoopie, I’m so bored of talking to all of those ugly, smelly people. You know, George Snuffleupugus, and Jake Zappa and Megyn Belly. I hate them all. And I hate that you have to be away so much. Haven’t you won the president yet?

(DT): But shmoopie, I just won the nomination and now I have to go to the convention and give a speech and then do the debates and then win the election in November.

(MT): November! I can’t do this for another six months straight. Shmoopie! You need to take a week off and pay attention to me!

(DT): But shmoopie, Hillary isn’t taking a week off. What if I fall behind during the break.

(MT): Don’t be silly. It’s the summer. Everyone expects reruns in the summer. Just tell them to watch The Apprentice for the next week.

(DT): Shmoopie, that’s brilliant. That’s what I’ll do.

(MT): Of course, shmoopie, after all, you did marry me for my brains.

(DT): Uh, yeah, sure. Brains.

End scene.

Two Days Later
ABC News Room
George Snuffleupugus’s Office

The intercom speaks.

Intercom: Mr S., Disney is on line 2.

George S. (GS): Okay Janey, I’ll take it in here.

Picking up the phone.

(GS): Snuffleupugus here. Who’s calling.

(WD): It’s Disney.

(GS): Yes I know you’re from Disney. But who is this?

(WD): It’s Walt Disney, you shrimpy twerp!

(GS): That’s impossible! Walt Disney’s been dead for forty years.

(WD): Yes, but any idiot knows I had my body cryogenically preserved. And now that the technology has advanced enough I’ve been revived. What did you think was going on at Epcot Center all these years? Flying car research? Now stop yammering and listen!

(GS): Uh, but you don’t pay my salary do you?

(WD): Not if you keep yapping like this I won’t. Now listen. Trump’s been on hiatus for only two days and already the whole news business is drying up and blowing away. Without his tweets and his quotes on Hannity nobody’s watching anything. Google had to shut down two whole server farms the size of Iowa. MSNBC had to be re-purposed as a home shopping channel for cat video collectors. And the New York Times has become a sex chat site. Maureen Dowd has become a very popular dominatrix turning tricks for most of the conservative punditry. Things cannot go on like this any longer. If you boobs can’t get him back on the job of mocking you and the Clintons we’re gonna have to euthanize the whole news department.

(GS): You’re gonna shut us down?

(WD): No, the severance packages would be too expensive. I’m gonna send my grandson Dave down there with a tanker truck of chloroform and flood the ventilation system and declare it a tragic accident.

(GS): You can’t do that!

(WD): Well then, screw this up and I guess we’ll find out won’t we? Disney out!

Snuffleupugus hangs up the phone and buries his face in his hands. After several minutes he straightens up and calls over the intercom.

(GS): Janey, get me the big dog.

Janey: Goofey?

(GS): No you dizzy bitch, Bubba, former President Bill Clinton.

Janey: Yes sir.

After several minutes.

Janey: Mr S., he’s on line 3.

(GS): Thank you Janey.

He picks up the phone.

(GS): Hello Mr. President. Sorry to disturb you so suddenly.

Bill Clinton (BC): George you little pissant, why are you disturbing me during my very private relaxation time. I was very close to complete relaxation. This had better be important.

(GS): Yes, Mr. President it’s extremely urgent.

(BC): Yeah, what’s that?

(GS): Donald Trump is on break from the election.

(BC): So? Who, gives a crap about that?

(GS): Well, take a look at the present price of Google on the NYSE.

(BC): Well I’ll be a ring-necked lewinsky! I’ll be ruined. I’ll have to go back to shaking down trailer park floozies. Snuffleupugus. We have to fix this.

(GS): Well, that’s why I called you. You’re the greatest con artist of the last century. Surely you can relate to the greatest con artist of this century. How can we get him back on the job?

(BC): All right, all right, don’t rattle me! Give me a second here. Okay, I know, I’ll call him up. Big dawg to big dawg. I’ll cut him a deal he can’t refuse.

(GS): “Can’t refuse?” You’re gonna threaten him?

(BC): No you half-wit. I’m not Don Corleone. I’m gonna give him something he wants.

(GS): But what could Donald Trump want?

(BC): Hillary.

(GS): Uh, Mr. President. How can I put this diplomatically? Have you seen Hillary and Melania side by side?

(BC): No you cretin. He doesn’t want to hump her. He wants her head on a platter. I’m gonna throw the election to him in exchange for his return.

(GS): But you wouldn’t do that. That would be disloyal.

(BC): Oh man. Where did we find you anyway? In the cabbage patch? Look this isn’t just about the presidency it’s about something really important, my money. Hillary will just have to take one for the team. Anyway, she’s kinda used to that.

(GS): Goodbye Mr. President.

End scene.

Scene: Trump Penthouse.

Early Afternoon

Donald Trump is dressed in a costume that sort of resembles one of the Three Musketeers except that he’s also wearing a Phantom of the Opera style mask. He’s singing along and dancing around to Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody and playing the air guitar.

(DT): Easy come, easy go, will you let me go? Bismillah! No, we will not let you go. (Let him go!)

(His cell phone rings to the tune of the Jetsons theme.)

Awww crap. Something always ruins the best part of the song. Trump here. This had better be good. I was just closing a deal worth billions of dollars.

(BC): Well, I feel you pain. I surely do. But this is hot stuff that can’t wait.

(DT): Clinton? What the hell do you want?

(BC): Now hold on. This is strictly a business proposition. No politics, no tricks. I want to sell you something you want.

(DT): What?

(BC): The election.

(DT): Why would you sell me the election?

(BC): Because I’m loosing cash.

(DT): Oh, the Google thing?

(BC): Exactly.

(DT): Okay spell it out.

(BC): I give you the Vince Foster deal, the Rose Law Firm caper, the $100,000 futures scam and the Benghazi details and that will make sure that my Google calls are in the money for at least the next couple of weeks.

(DT): You’re gonna go on tape with all those details? Hillary will just deny it all.

(BC): Of course she would. That’s why she’s gonna say them herself.

(DT): Why would she do that?

(BC): Because I’ve got her doped to the gills with sodium pentothal and in the trunk of my car. We take her to Snuffleupugus’s studio and do a little interview. Two hours later you’re as good as president and I’m on the next plane to Epstein’s little resort for a permanent vacation.

(DT): Well Melania is gonna be disappointed by this interruption but I’ll make it up to her in January. I’ll name a monument after her.

(BC): All right then it’s settled. I’ll head there now. But I can’t wait around for you there so this is goodbye. Enjoy the White House. And if you check the bottom right hand draw of the desk in the Oval Office there’s a secret compartment. Some of my favorites should still be there. Barry won’t have found them. No imagination. I know you’ll like them. Just make sure Melania doesn’t find them. Bubba out.

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