Category: Biden Humor

Mockery of Dementia Joe Biden

20MAR2023 – Spring Equinox – The Canada War

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A work day and a writing day.  Having added a couple of thousand words to my story I felt extremely virtuous.  So, I looked at the headlines to see what I had missed.  Yikes!

What I saw was plenty of panic over the bank failures and the subsequent actions of the Fed and the other central banks.  The narrative is that the Fed and the regulators are going to thread the needle by raising the prime rate enough to keep inflation from igniting but save the banks from imploding by trading their underwater bonds for new ones.  Now of course the bond swaps will be wildly inflationary but the thought is if we just keep pumping cash into the banks it will keep the economy from imploding.  What could go wrong with that?  I’m thinking of converting all my assets into Doritos, the only known commodity that never loses its value and that all people recognize as cash.

Meanwhile the MSM is beginning to get interested in the reports of the Biden family receiving Chinese influence peddling payments, and even CNN admitting on the air that “this doesn’t look good.”  So, what can Mumbley Joe do?  Well, he says it ain’t so.  But nobody believes that.  So, he starts yelling about “assault weapons.”  But nobody even blinks an eye anymore at that ploy.  So, what’s a grifter to do?  I assume he’ll try to wag the dog.  He’s wanted to get the Russian oil and gas but it turns out the Russians have guns and aren’t afraid of rainbow flag waving soldiers.  Plus, it turns out they still have those nukes.  Not good.

My guess is he’ll try for a safe war.  Maybe he’ll invade Canada.  They’ve got oil and gas just like the Russians but no nukes and they’re kind of light in the loafers, especially that Trudeau guy.

I mean, it’s a great idea.  This will be easier than that famous standoff with Corn Pop.  And he could look tough while doing it.  All it needs is a cool name like Operation Desert Storm had.  Maybe Operation Arctic Blast or Operation Great White North or Hey Ya Hosers!  And this would give General Milly Vanilly a chance to actually win at something.  All he’d have to do is have his tranny division roll into Ottawa and de-pants Trudeau and demand he surrender to the obvious justice of a (nominally) heterosexual man groveling before transgender soldiers demanding his country relinquish their harmful fossil fuels to a higher power.

It makes sense to me.  It can be a form of reparations for the slaves that the white people of Canada never got around to having but probably thought about.  Maybe Gavin Newsom could get involved.  His state is looking for $65 billion dollars for reparations and right now the Silicon Valley guys are kind of tapped out.  Maybe Joe can give him a cut of the plunder from the Canada war.

You know I really like the idea of the Canada war.  We can’t lose (probably) and we can sell off parts of Canada to the rest of the world which will give us enough money to keep our economy afloat long enough to get Joe Biden re-elected in 2024.  No, this is good.  This is the real thing.  I’ve got to call up Biden and get his people working on this.  I wonder what my cut should be?  Ten percent?

Biden Gets A Clean Bill of Health by Coroner

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My favorite line, “With a fresh injection of formaldehyde and some makeup, he looks like he’s still with us! Just look at him — so peaceful. It looks like he’s just sleeping!”

Less believable is this report.

Yeah, I don’t buy it.

Dramatic Footage of the Military Confronting UFO Over Lake Huron

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Below is the amazing flight camera video of the successful defense of Lake Huron by our pilots.

When the first missile failed to strike the target the squadron leader said he, “wanted another shot at it..”  The rest is history.  What wasn’t revealed in the press conference was that after the aliens fired their primary weapon and obliterated the White House, President Biden’s righteous anger prompted him to take the squadron leader role of the attacking F-16s that took down the aliens.  Few people know that in addition to being a long haul trucker Biden is also a Top Gun fighter pilot.  No joke!

The Further Adventures of Hard Boiled, Two-Fisted Joe Biden – Episode II – Second Thoughts

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Everyone’s favorite Haitian lesbian kewpie doll finishes off her White House press conference with the five hundredth repetition of, “Ask the White House Counsel’s office about the classified documents found in the bucket at the end of the rope in the waters of Chesapeake Bay at the end of the pier next to Hunter’s condo.  We are following a process and it does not include me answering annoying and unnecessary questions.”

As she leaves the podium Jumpin’ Joe Biden shuffles up to the microphone and greets the White House Press Corp with a flash of his bionic choppers and a bubbly “I’ve got this” lack of concern.

When the Fox News reporter attempts to ask the octogenarian denizen of the West Wing about the seventeenth classified document cache discovered that morning, Biden raises his arms as if to fend off the question and starts talking, “Now hold on, hold on.  People have been talking behind my back about how the Deep State is turning against me and wants me to resign.  Well, fat chance.

The American people aren’t interested in these documents.  The documents are classified.  Classified!  That means they’re secret.  Americans aren’t allowed to know what’s in them.  So obviously I’m not going to talk about them.  Good Americans won’t want to know about them.  That’s just common sense.  So that means that those Americans who want to know about these documents are bad Americans.  Bad!  And bad Americans are what we’ve been fighting against since I took office in 2021.

They attacked our democracy on January 6th and thousands of Capitol police officers were slaughtered and millions of IRS agents were killed in the suitcase nuke they unleashed.  Or almost unleashed.  Because I was there to save them.  I threw myself on the suitcase and absorbed the full blast.  This temporarily neutralized my super strength and x-ray vision but later on those powers came back.

And that brings me to what I really want to talk about today.  The Second Amendment.  Or rather the myth of the Second Amendment.  A lot of trouble makers have been telling people that the Constitution includes a right to bear arms.  Well, this seemed very strange to me so I had top men looking into this.  J Edgar Hoover, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton, who isn’t a man but could be if she decides she wants to be one.  And they’ve reported back that it’s just not true.  When they went back to the original copy of the Constitution there was an asterisk in invisible ink next to the Second Amendment that can only be seen using Ben Franklin’s bifocals, and that leads to an equally invisible footnote that says, “Amendment deleted due to Consumer Safety concerns and environmental effects of gun powder.”  True story!

So effective immediately we’ll be rounding up all those illegal guns.  And hopefully none of these illegal gun owners will get any funny ideas about resisting.  You know an AR-15 isn’t exactly an F-15.  And a 30-megaton thermonuclear ICBM trumps a protest march six ways from Sunday.  Now I’ve got to run because the local Catholic girls’ middle school is presenting me with a plaque that says “World’s Greatest President” and I’ve heard they all have great shampoo choices there.  True story!”

Biden walks confusedly away from the podium and is intercepted by Dr. Jill who gives him his juice box and leads him toward the Oval Office for his 10 am full body blood replacement and electroshock therapy.  The White House Press Corp stare helplessly at each other and dejectedly update their resumes.

13JAN2023 – This’N’That

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It’s been a busy week and that plays havoc with my various schedules.  I’ve of late drawn up a list of things I try to get done at various times of the day and week.  C’est la guerre.  But all in all, things are still moving along.  And my morale is reasonable.  So onward and upward.

I see that Dopey Joe has stepped in it with both feet with this document thing.  Of course, he’ll get the Democrat treatment so there won’t be any consequences but it does make the hypocrisy of what they’re trying to do to Trump even more egregious.  Good.  Hammering home all the corrupt aspects of the banana republic we now live in is probably the only useful function that the GOP and the small independent media can perform.

I spent some time at a Selectman’s Meeting and saw what an actual government is supposed to be working on; trying to find the money to pay for a new piece of fire fighting equipment to replace one that was end-of-life twenty-five years ago or finding money to pay for Emergency Medical Services that we lost through the incompetence of the state we live in.  The people at this meeting weren’t wearing three-piece suits or sipping lattes.  They were in work boots and jeans.  And they looked tired.  They have real jobs but they work in the evenings keeping the town government going even though they’d like to quit.  But then it would be done by really terrible people.  It’s not fun being a red town in a blue state.  Well, I got some inspiration at least.  And I met some good people.  They don’t resemble the mythical First Selectman Cthulhu or the other hapless denizens of Dunwich but I can still use them as inspiration.

I’ll have to think about the Biden humor pieces I started doing yesterday.  It was brought up that’s it’s devilishly difficult to parody a president as awful as Dementia Joe.  His lying is so epic that it’s hard to see how I can outdo it.  And he’s so creepy in real life that even documenting it raises concerns over matters of good taste on a general audience website.  So, I’ll try to ensure that I create a product that is both entertaining and true to the spirit of our “Dear Leader.”  I will admit that I had a bit of fun writing it.  Biden is such a hapless loser when he tries to justify himself that I can’t help but laugh when I mock him.  And there’s so much fodder to work with.  Anywhere you stick a shovel you hit paydirt.  I could probably do a whole post just on his use of the term, malarkey.  So, we’ll see how it goes.

Seeing how annoyed all the lefties were about the outcome in the House of Representatives I have to conclude that the whole thing was a net positive.  Maybe Kevin McCarthy even learned something about dealing with free people.  Now we’ll have to see if any of the changes being instituted make a difference or whether the Republicans just roll over and obey Biden, Schumer and the vested interests who donate to their war chests.  Still, I did think there was value in seeing a little real insurrection in the House.

Well anyway, here’s to the beginning of a good weekend.  And hopefully I’ll have more to show real soon.

The Further Adventures of Hard Boiled, Two-Fisted Joe Biden – Episode I – Bullitt Files

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As the hour approached 3pm the reporters in the White House press room grew restive.  They had been waiting two hours for President Biden to appear for his one o’clock briefing on the seventh cache of top-secret documents that had been discovered in one of Joe Biden’s far-flung empire of garages housing vintage sports cars.

When the octogenarian commander in chief appeared he quickly saluted a coat rack that had a blue suit jacket on it and mounted the lectern where his voluminous notes were waiting for him.  After unclenching his porcelain phalanx of state-of-the-art dental implants and shouting out the names of one or two deceased journalists the peripatetic president walked up and down the aisle mingling with the reporters; slapping the back of one misidentified NY Times White House correspondent and sniffing the hair of a middle-aged female Marine officer who had the misfortune to be within range of the sidler in chief.  Finally, he was corralled by his press secretary and two secret service agents and returned to the lectern.

Once he settled down a little and expelled a little gas he looked out over the audience and said, “Well, here I am.  What do you want to know?”

The Fox News White House anchor shouted out, “Mr. President, what kind of car was in this garage?”  Biden shot back, “It was a black 1968 Dodge Charger R/T.  It’s the very car I drove in the motion picture Bullitt back in 1968.  The reporter was taken aback, “Mr. President, you would have been twenty-six years old in 1968.  The man driving that car was in his early fifties.”  Biden flashed his biggest Joker grin and said, “That’s what they wanted you to believe.  I wore one of those latex masks that fit over your whole head.  You have to look at the scene really close to tell it’s me.  That was one of my best roles in Hollywood.”

The stunned talking head shook off his amazement and followed up, “Be that as it may Mr. President, what do you say that this latest trove of documents includes three separate CIA reports on the highly suspicious activities of your son Hunter in Russia, Ukraine and Epstein’s Island?”  Without missing a beat Dementia Joe replied, “Why there’s nothing unusual about those files being found there.  And by the way, it’s almost certain that they were planted there by Russian agents working in lockstep with Vladimir Putin and co-conspirator Donald J. Trump.  It’s like I said to Franklin Delano Roosevelt the time I visited him at the White House in his last term.  “Frank” I said, I always called him Frank, “Frank you can’t be too careful about those Rooskies.  They’re always trying to set up good honest Americans like us.””

The reporter’s mouth was sort of hanging open, “Mr. President, FDR died when you were two years old.”  Nonplussed, Biden shouted back, “That’s what they’d like you to believe.  If you believe everything THEY tell you, y’all will be back in chains, y’all.  The Asian American reporter could only reply weakly, “Y’all?”

But by then Biden was taking his victory lap, “Look it up on Wikipedia, it’s right there in black and white.  Say everybody I think we’ve wasted enough time on this trivia.  I’m late for my 1:30 military briefing on China and I hear we’ll be bombing them tomorrow so I really have to scoot.  But it was good seeing y’all.

 

Udate:

Chemist:

In reply to photog.

Proof! Here is Slow Joe driving a Semi:

Biden Blames Putin for Gas Prices, Stagflation, COVID Crisis, Afghan Debacle, Crime Wave in Cities and Incontinence

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Washington D.C. – American President Joseph Biden gave a hard hitting if somewhat confusing speech today in front of the Trade Union Delegation from Inner Outer Stanstanistan.  To the somewhat bemused pastoral herdsmen in their colorful native garb the animated but sometimes incoherent stateman was highly entertaining.  Of course, since the translator was speaking in Outer Inner Stanstanistanian they couldn’t understand anything he said.  But their spokesman was quoted as saying “we could tell he really meant whatever it was he was saying.”

After blaming every domestic and foreign policy debacle in his administration on the Russian strongman, Biden finished up the speech with an appeal for lower priced insulin that ended with him repeatedly striking the podium with his shoe.  This got a standing ovation from the herdsmen who remembered old video clips of Khrushchev at the UN that they had watched during lunch break in grammar school.  The emotional yak herders left the meeting chanting, “We will bury you, we will bury you” in fairly good Russian.

MSNBC reported that the speech is widely believed to be the talking points for the Democrat mid-term elections campaign platform.  Rachel Maddow explained, “We will blame everything on Putin.  Inflation, Putin.  Crime, Putin.  Biden’s flatulence, Putin.  There is even talk of finding footage of Putin standing on George Floyd’s neck whenever Chauvin needed to be spelled.  We drew the line at implicating him in the Kennedy assassination because Putin was eleven at the time and known to be a fairly poor shot with a rifle.”

Caught flat-footed by this new scheme Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell was quoted as saying, “Huh?”

After the speech a news team was sent out to a local gas station to do a man on the street interview with a consumer filling his gas tank.  After watching a clip from the speech, the motorist reached into his car and proceeded to brain the reporter with a baseball bat.  Police were called to the scene and after watching the video, they emptied the clips of their sidearms into the now motionless reporter and left.  The rest of the news crew beat a tactical retreat back to MSNBC where they suggested that the DNC might want to do a little more focus group workshopping of the idea.  But they stressed that heavy blunt objects and pointed and sharp-edged utensils be removed from the premises beforehand.

Later that night a medical emergency was declared at the White House.  During dinner when asked by Doctor Jill what he had done that day President Biden began to repeat the word Putin over and over in a continuous string; putinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputiputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputinputin!!!!!

When the doctors arrived, the president was diagnosed with a rare form of political Tourette’s syndrome.  It is now believed that for the rest of his life he will only be able to utter combinations of the two syllables pu and tin.  When questioned about this development White House Spokesperson Jen Psaki declared that this situation was Putin’s fault but that it would pose no real problem to President Biden continuing his present activities.  In fact, Psaki hinted that the new situation might actually make her job easier.

However, after hearing that the condition was permanent First Lady Doctor Jill packed her bag and left the White House with her secret service detail in tow.  She was quoted as saying, “That’s enough.  I’m out.”