Tag: Mike Pence

Trump vs The FBI

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Dramatis Personae: President Trump (PT), Vice President Pence (VPP), First Lady Melania Trump (MT), Karen Pence (KP), TV Announcer who sounds like Don Pardo (TVAWSLDP)

 

Scene 1 – White House Oval Office; Tuesday, 4pm;

 

PT – Mike.  Mike!  PENCE!!!!  Where the hell are you Mike?

(Mike Pence rushes through door.)

VPP – Mr. President, for Pete’s sake!  I was just on the phone with Robert Mueller.  Alright, what can I do for you?

PT – Hey, take it down a notch Mike.  Remember you work for me.

VPP – Actually Mr. President, like you, I was elected by and work directly for the American people.  You can’t fire me.

PT – Hmmm, I’ll look into that.  Anyway, I was calling you to find out how that conversation with Mueller went.

VPP – Actually, it went very well.  He hasn’t got me on his list of interviewees.

PT – Well, aren’t you special Mike!  But don’t get any ideas about succession plans.  I’m going to be here and if you want to be part of the second term you’ll keep your nose clean and help me get some work done.

VPP – Naturally Mr. President.

PT – So what did he want?  I mean beside buttering you up.

VPP – He was cross-checking some statements that James Comey made against what was reported in the Congressional Committee report last week.

PT – Good.  I hope that dope Mueller finally gets off the dime and jails these criminals in the FBI and Justice Department that were spying on me.

VPP – Well, Mr. President, it’s not as easy as you make it sound.  Investigator Mueller will need to document criminal behavior and then obtain a Grand Jury indictment before a trial is possible.

PT – Oh wake up.  All he has to do is get these losers into that interrogation room.  You know the one.  The one with the old table and chairs.  The one where Sipowicz always roughed them up to get a confession back on NYPD Blue.  I always remember how he would close the blinds and take off his gun and badge and then beat them up for a while before they cracked.  Boy, that guy knew his stuff.

VPP – Oh, for the love of Mike!  Mr. President, that’s a TV cop show.  Investigator Mueller is not going to rough up James Comey to coerce a confession.  And even if he did, it’s illegal and the evidence would be thrown out of court and Mueller would be indicted for doing it.

PT – You know Mike, you’re making it very difficult for me to imagine you as President.  You don’t seem to want to win.

VPP – Mr. President, focus!  We are going to have to coordinate many facets of the Russian investigation and the FBI investigation in a measured way to avoid the type of media coverage that damages our ability to control the message.  You can’t expect us to indulge in banana-republic or fictional law enforcement tactics.  We must be sober and above reproach.

PT – Fine. Do it your way.  But I’m starting to think this whole thing is going nowhere.  I mean, why even bother to have a witch hunt if you don’t get to burn some witches?

VPP – But, oh never mind.  Mr. President, I’ve got to go.

PT – Whatever.

(Mike Pence leaves the scene.  President Trump sits down at the Oval Office desk and starts to type something on his computer.  Melania Trump enters the room.)

MT – Schmoopy, what did you say to Mike.  He is so sad.  I thought he would have cried!

PT – Me Schmoopy? Why I was just discussing the Justice Department business.  I thought he was very happy.  I didn’t say anything.  He must just be nervous or something.  You know how nervous people from the mid-west are. Very, very nervous.

MT – I think you yelled at him like you did to that poor Crying Chuck and made him cry.  That was very sad.  And he told that sad story about the crying statue and it was very sad.  You should not make ladies cry not even lady statues.  It is too sad.

PT – But wait, no, that wasn’t true.  Lyin’ Chuck was crying, I mean Cryin’ Chuck was lying.  Statues don’t cry.

MT – Yes, they do.  In my village there was a statue of the Virgin Mary that cried many times.

PT – Yes, but that was a miracle.  Cryin’ Chuck isn’t a saint.  He’s a Democrat which makes him an atheist.  You shouldn’t believe him.

MT – Well, okay Schmoopy, but I think you made Mike sad.  You must fix this right away.  Mike is a good friend and we need him to help you from not going the kooky.

PT – But I don’t go the kooky, I mean go kooky.  Schmoopy you have to leave these important government matters to me.  I am a very stable genius you know.

MT – Please Schmoopy, say you are sorry to Mike and bring him to Arby’s for some good roast beef.  Please, please!

PT – Maybe you’re right Schmoopy, I’ll talk to him.  He is a good friend.

 

Scene 2 The Vice-Presidential Residence.  Tuesday 8pm

(VP Pence sitting in his living room watching Wheel of Fortune while eating a tv dinner, his wife Karen is bringing in a can of beer.)

KP – Here’s your PBR dear.

VPP – Thanks hon.  You wouldn’t believe what that maniac said today.

KP – Oh Mike, let’s not talk about work tonight.  It’ll only upset you.

VPP – Alright, but I tell you, sometimes I feel like telling him what I really think.

(suddenly an announcer, who sounds a lot like the late Don Pardo, breaks into the broadcast)

TVAWSLDP – We interrupt this boring game show to bring you a message from the President of the United States.

PT – My fellow Americans I come to bring you important information.  Yes, I know you want continue drugging yourself into imbecility but drop the bong and try to concentrate.  Earlier today I was talking to Vice President Pence.

VPP – Oh great Scott.

PT – I told him I wanted to get Jim Comey in one of those interrogation rooms with the old table and chairs.  You know the ones I mean.  And I wanted to Sipowicz him.  That’s modern cop-talk for slappin’ him around.  But that was wrong.  Comey was a cop himself. He wouldn’t have been fooled into confessing.  Vice President Pence knew this and said so.  But it ticked me off.  And I said some not so nice things to him.  The First Lady let me know I was wrong and so I thought about what I should do.  What I did was go on Twitter and offer a fifty-million-dollar reward to anyone who could confirm that Jim Comey was lying about all the Russian stuff and blabbing to the newspapers about all that stuff.  Well, as luck would have it three different FBI agents provided video tape of Comey committing all kinds of offenses.  It was sort of an America’s Funniest Home Videos of Treason.  So now Investigator Mueller has agreed to prosecute Comey and then close his investigation before I find something on him.  Boy, it’s great to be rich.

But all that is beside the point.  The main thing is I was mean to a friend.  Mike Pence is a good guy.  He isn’t crooked like Hillary or a liar like Ted or a crybaby like Chuck.  He’s a good guy who comes to work on time with a clean shirt and combed hair. That hair may be a little short and white but it’s definitely neat.  He’s always polite to people and he doesn’t try to stab you in the back.  He’s a little too nice for the killer stuff but that’s why I have Mad Dog.  So Mike I’m sorry.  Now stop sulking like a little girl and come back to work.  We can even go to Arby’s tomorrow, my treat.  Trump out.

KP – Oh, wasn’t that nice.  He said he was sorry.  I’ll have to thank Melania for telling him to do that.

VPP – Karen, better put the beer back in the fridge.  I’m going to need the Jack Daniels instead, no water.

KP – Yes dear.

Trump vs. The State of the Union – Part 1

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Scene1: White House West Wing, 8am, President Trump (PT) calling for Vice President Pence (VPP)

PT – Mike.  Mike.  Mike!!!  Where the hell are you Pence.

VPP –  Right here Mr. President.  I was on the phone with Ryan and McConnell.  They wanted a copy of your speech to help coordinate the standing ovations.

PT – Tell’em to forget about that bull.  I don’t want them cheering.  Tell them to keep their seats and keep quiet.

VPP – Oh no.  What are you planning Mr. President?

PT – I plan on using the speech to wake some people up and put some rats on notice.

VPP – Sir, the State of the Union speech is intended to report to the people on where we are as a nation.

PT – Well Mike, despite the fact that the economy is starting to come to life do you really think there is any reason for standing ovations?  I’m going to tell them the truth.  I’m going to talk about the FBI and the Justice Department and how they’re being run like the KGB with crooked operations targeting Americans because of who they are and not what they’ve done.  I’m gonna talk about Lisa Page and Peter Strzok.  America will love what the FBI is up to on their dime.  I’m gonna talk about McCabe and Mueller and Comey and the “Secret Society” they cooked up against me.  I’m gonna make their hair curl.

VPP – Oh good grief.  Mr. President, I’m asking you to reconsider.  You’re going to scare the American people.  We have the midterms coming up and we can’t have the electorate thinking of us as the crazy party.

PT – Look Pence, you’re gonna have to man up or I’ll have to say you have the flu and couldn’t come.  Besides this is gonna be great.  The people are gonna get this 100%.  You’ve gotta remember they’re used to seeing bureaucrats shake down citizens.  They’ll rally to me when I give them the details of the plot.

VPP – Sorry Mr. President.  I’ll do my best to keep on my game face.

PT – That’s the stuff.  Besides once Cryin’ Chuck begins weeping you won’t be able to stop laughing.  It’s that funny.  Anyway, get Sessions down here.  I was thinking that it might be fun to have the Secret Society rounded up and perp walked right during the middle of the State of the Union address.  I want to see if he can arrange that on queue from me at the podium.  Do you think it would be undignified if I had the Marine Corp Band play “Nananana Hey Hey Hey Goodbye” by Steam during their exit?

VPP – No sir, not for you.  In fact, now that I’ve heard about it, I guess even I’d be disappointed if you didn’t play it.  But to tell you the truth, now that I think about it, what about that Linda Rondstadt song that goes “You’re no good, you’re no good, you’re no good, baby you’re no good, I’m gonna say it again!”

PT – No you’re not gonna say it again.  No I prefer Steam.  It’s a classic.

VPP – As you wish sir.

PT – Exactly.

Trump vs. The State of the Union – Part 2

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Trump vs 2018

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Scene 1 – New Year’s Day 2018 – White House, Oval Office

President Trump (PT) – Mike, Mike.  Pence!  Where the hell are you?

Vice President Pence (VPP) – Mr. President, I was just on the phone with McConnell.  He wants to know what we’re going to do to save the House and Senate in the midterms.

PT – And I thought Jeb was low energy!  Tell him to stop whining.  He’s done his part.  He got the tax bill passed.  I’ll take care of everything else.  He can go back to sleep.

VPP – I’ll tell him Mr. President.  But he brings up a good point.  With the constant attack provided by the Main Stream Media how can we keep the Democrats from taking back the Congress?

PT – Mike, haven’t you learned anything from me this year?

VPP – I’d like to think I have.

PT – Well, does playing defense sound like me?

VPP – Is holding onto Congress playing defense, Mr. President?

PT – Of course it is.  My plan isn’t to play pattycake with the communists.  It’s to scorch the earth that they occupy.  I plan to eliminate most of these freeloaders.  My vision is to empty Northern Virginia of federal employees.  I’m going to eliminate 88% of these jobs and move most of the rest to Montana.  Also, I plan to put the salary level on par with Walmart.

VPP – Is that even possible?

PT – Think big Mike.  If you can dream it, you can do it.  What dream do you have?

VPP – Well Mr. President, I’ve always wanted to achieve world peace.

PT – Well Mike, I respect that kind of epic scope, but I’ve looked into that.  It would require elimination of almost 89% of humanity to enact.  I’m just not comfortable with that kind of carnage.

VPP – Huh, what!

PT – Well, anyway, what I’m planning for 2018 is to flood the zone.  We’ll start by closing down the EEOC.

VPP – Sir, that can’t be done.

PT – That’s just a figure of speech.  We don’t need to actually shut it down.  We’ll reduce budget and headcount until it comes in line with the mission we want to achieve.

VPP – What does that mean?

PT – We defang it, decapitate it and leave a remnant for show.  Currently there are about 2,000 employees with a budget of $365,000,000.  If you do the math that is an average salary of about $180,000.

VPP – Well Mr. President, that’s their whole budget.  That includes other line items beside salary.

PT – Blah, blah, blah, Mike.  Look my plan is reduce the staff to 200 people with an average salary of $40,000.  That’s a total salary of $8,000,000 for the whole department.  Most of those folks will be clericals so that’s about right.  I’ll have twenty managers including the department head.  And I’ll be damn sure none of the managers are commies.

VPP – Sir, that’s a bold plan.  Can you get it done?

PT – Bold?  That’s just one department.  Do you have any idea how much can be saved by carrying out this initiative across the whole federal bureaucracy?

VPP – But you’ll put millions of people out of work!

PT – Let’s hope!  Oh, we’ll stagger the effect by giving them a severance package and unlimited unemployment benefits.  I figure 65% of these people are functionally unemployable.  They would actually be a drag on any business that hires them.  So it’ll be cheaper to pay them unemployment until retirement age than allow them to continue to harm the American people.  And the lower salaries we’ll pay the remnant won’t encourage them to remain in the public sector.  We’re about to eviscerate the beast.

VPP – Mr. President, will the congressional Republicans support this?

PT – Of course not.  They’re part of the beast.  But that’s my job, weasel herding.  I’m ready to handle their low energy back-stabbing.  I’m actually going to enjoy it.  Now Mike are you ready to do your job or not?

VPP – I’ll do the best I can.  But this is all so strange and disorienting.  It feels almost unreal.

PT – Just the opposite.  Reality is just too painful for the sleep-walkers.  What I’m trying to do is wean a heroin addict off the drug with methadone.  Once he’s seeing reality without the craving he can decide if he’s strong enough to handle full blown withdrawal.  America’s been on the needle for so long, it’s fifty-fifty whether it can come back.  But that’s our job.  We have to give them a chance to choose reality.

VPP – So you’re saying the Democrats are the cartel.

PT – Very good, you’re learning.

How Do You Clone Donald Trump?

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Back in the Paleolithic era, say 1988, when George H.W. Bush was the heir apparent to Ronald Reagan, much was made of how during his apprenticeship under the Gipper that Bush had shed all of his Rockefeller Republican leanings.  He famously decried Michael Dukakis’s membership in the ACLU and his links with the Liberal Boutique Ideologies of Cambridge.  And of course, there was his full-throated exhortation to read his lips, “NO NEW TAXES!!!”  Well, we know how that turned out.  George’s New World Order, tax increases and NAFTA initiatives gave rise to Ross Perot which in turn gave rise to Bill Clinton.  And we know how well that worked out for us.

Fast forward, let’s say to 2024.  We are entering the victory lap of the God-Emperor’s reign here on earth.  All’s right with the world.  The new republicans have a supermajority in the Senate and House, Unemployment stands at negative 1%.  Transgenderism has been proven to be a curable mental condition, women are leaving the work force in droves to return to the home to raise kids and regain their sanity.  The Clintons and the Obamas have all been assigned multi-decade jail sentences that none are predicted to outlive.  It’s the best of all possible worlds.

But now the successor to the God-Emperor must be selected.  And while everyone agrees that Mike Pence is a heck of a nice guy, everybody remembers how he backed down when George Stephanopoulos questioned him about the Defense of Faith act he signed into law in Indiana.  Is this the Bush scenario being replayed?  Are we about to see another Bill Clinton moment?

Now, this may be a slight exaggeration.  Mike Pence is not a Bush.  He is an actual conservative.  But also, he’s no Trump.  So, a better formulation of this question is how do you end up with another Trump?  Having a combative, unabashed alpha male at the head of the right wing has been a genuine pleasure.  Starting from a position of strength has proven to be an unalloyed advantage.  Not having to cede territory to our opponents in the Democrat party or the Media every time they throw up a smoke screen about race or gender has meant that we can actually gain ground on many different initiatives.  All in all, it’s just unacceptable to imagine us going back to a dweeby loser for Commander in Chief.  We want General George Patton in charge not Pee Wee Herman.

And then it hit me.  Let Trump choose his successor.  Now sure, he picked Mike Pence for running mate but he was choosing from the small subset of republican political figures.  And selection time was short.  Neither of these factors is currently important.  So, he can cast a wider net this time.  And he has time.  At least a few years.  So, what I thought up was a reboot of the Apprentice.  Let Donald Trump use his own intuition and methods to sort through all the candidates in America to find another him.  And since he’s done it before for something lesser he can apply this experience to doing a better job for the more important version.  And he should have it televised.  And the home audience should get to give feedback.  But only registered Republicans who donate money to the party.  The ratings would be through the roof.  And Mike Pence should definitely be in the running.  I mean, he’s not such a bad guy and maybe he actually has learned more than a Bush.

Trump vs Photog – Part 3 – WTF

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Scene 1: West Wing of the White House, Monday at 7 a.m.

President Trump (PT) – Bannon. Bannon!  Where the hell are you Steve?

Vice President Pence (VPP) – Mr. President, please stop shouting.  You fired Steve Bannon a few weeks ago.

PT – I did?  What the hell was I drinking?

VPP – I believe you were cold sober sir.

PT – This is awful.  I’m negotiating tax and policy priorities with Cryin’ Chuck Schumer and Crypt Keeper Pelosi.  And I don’t have anyone with the cajones to warn me when I’m being played.

VPP – Well, Mr. President I’ve always tried to give you good advice on policy.

PT – Nothing personal Mike, but you’d bring a slingshot to a gunfight and I need someone who’d tell me to bring an RPG.

VPP – Well I don’t think Steve is in the mood to help right now.

PT – Then get me someone who is outside the Washington circle.  I need a man of the deplorables.

VPP – Are you looking for the lunatic fringe?

PT – No, someone without the tattoos and MRE stockpile.  Or at least with a minimum of either.

VPP – Well how about that guy with the blog.  What was it camera guy at Big Dipper something?

PT – You talking about photog at orionscoldfire.com?

VPP – Yeah, that guy.

PT – I threw him out last time.  He always ends up pissing me off.  But you know, his advice is usually pretty good.  And he was from Brooklyn in the day.  Alright get him down here.  And hurry, Schumer is trying to get me to put in transgender bathrooms in the West Wing.

 

Scene 2 :  West Wing, outside the Oval Office  Tuesday 10 a.m., photog is knocking tentatively on the door, while a marine eyes him suspiciously

PT – Come in photog, and close the door behind you.

Photog (PHT) – Good morning Mr. President.

PT – Sit down and have a pastry.  I have them flown in from an Italian Bakery in Queens.  They’re the best.

PHT – Thank you sir but I’m not hungry.

PT – Don’t be such a stiff.  You’re an Italian.  You know nothing important gets decided unless bread is broken.  Have a sfogliatella.

PHT – Sure, thanks.

PT – And have some coffee.  It’s the best in the world.  I have it cold brewed fresh every day.

PHT – Thanks I will.

PT – Alright, now that I’ve put you at ease, I need you to give me some information and maybe advice.

PHT – What do you want to know?

PT – What are the real people thinking?

PHT – Mr. President, they’re confused and worried.  They’re seeing how useless the republicans in Congress are and they don’t know if you can make them do the right thing.  Ryan and McConnell are either useless or working against you.  McCain is actively siding with the Democrats and you’re mending fences with Chuck and Nancy.  Plus the White House seems to be pushing for amnesty for illegal aliens and now you even seem to be reneging on the Paris Accord decision.  A lot of people think you’ve lost your nerve or are being blackmailed by Mueller.

PT – What about you?  Is that what you think?

PHT – I was willing to wait until you actually committed on some of these things.  But it does seem like things are getting a bit confusing.

PT – Boy, I gotta say.  You people are a bunch of rabbits.  You can’t win a negotiation if you don’t even get the other side to come to the table.  Don’t you think I know how the optics look when you’re courting the victim, I mean partner?  You’ve got to speak their language a little to loosen things up.  It’s not like I’m gonna let Cryin’ Chuck get what he wants.  I just want him to think he got the best deal he could.

PHT – Well, I sure hope you’re right. I’d hate to go into the mid-terms without the country feeling like you can get the country moving in the right direction on immigration.  After all you said there was gonna be a wall and so far there isn’t.

PT – Look I’m working all the angles and I’ll have a policy in place that will satisfy the anti-immigration agenda.  But it’s going to take time.  What I need to know is what can I do short-term to keep the natives from getting restless?

PHT – I’d say the best thing you can do is stomp on all of George Soros’s zombies.  Go after Antifa and BLM and Sanctuary Cities with everything you’ve got.  Make’em squeal and get their leaders in jail where they belong.

PT – That’s pretty strong medicine.  It’s gonna be tough to get the FBI and the DOJ to work with me on that.

PHT – Well. You asked me what would get you some street cred with your voters.  That’s what it’ll take.

PT – You know it’s funny.  You never have any good news for me.  Only lousy jobs to do.  Why is that.

PHT – Because you say you want to be the greatest president.  That means you have to save the United States from the cancer that’s been allowed to metastasize throughout the country for a century.  Chemotherapy isn’t fun and no one smiles at the doctor when he starts the infusion.

PT – Man, are you grim.  Look, thanks for the information.  But do me a favor.  Before you come back here next time, make sure you’re on your meds.  Your brand of industrial strength pessimism is too much for even my self-confidence.

PHT – Well Mr. President, you know, “a prophet is not without honor, save in his own country.”

PT – Okay, Nostradamus, you’re done.  Don’t let the Oval Office door hit you in the butt on the way out.  And don’t call us, we’ll call you, maybe.

PHT – Goodbye Mr. President.