And just like that, we’re down to two. Oh sure, Granny Warren is still in the race but after losing her “home” state there’s not much left to do but shovel some dirt on her carcass and call it a campaign. A newly reminted Biden is ready to spout inexplicable nonsense all the way up to the convention. Bernie is in a panic and will have to yell even louder and wave his arms even more wildly. It’s going to be amazing.
But what I want to talk about is what is to become of the losers. Just look at them. Sure, technically most of them still have high paying jobs and health insurance but how can they go forward with their lives when they’ve been forced to say ridiculous things now for half a year. All of them have raised their hands and said they believe in the Green New Deal and that AOC isn’t certifiably insane. Beto O’Rourke even claimed he was going to take our guns. And most importantly, they all made fun of the old white guys in the race.
And yet here we are and as far as the eye can see all there are is old white guys! So, it’s not like these folks are gonna get much love from Biden or Bernie. So, they’ll have to go back to work and make believe they’re Senators or ex-mayors or skateboarding Kennedy clones or whatever the hell Tom Steyer does nowadays. But one thing’s for sure. I’m gonna miss these crazy bastards.
Just think of all the fun and laughs we’ve had as each one explained how his plan was better than her plan, all without recourse to facts or even the magic of mathematics. Watching Kamala tell Creepy Uncle Joe that he had made her cry when he wouldn’t let her be bussed to a good school. Or ButtPete berating Amy Klobuchar for not knowing the name of the Mexican President. Or Fauxcahantas shaking with rage as she declared that Bernie had told her a woman couldn’t be elected President. And what about Spartacus trying to say anything at all? His pop-eyed expression and goofy voice always cheered me up. He never was coherent in any of the debates but he always looked so excited and hopeful, the poor little guy.
But my overall favorite was Beto. He postured and swore and skate-boarded his way into our hearts. I’m old enough to guess that he was put forward based solely on his resemblance to one of the Kennedys. Some child of the sixties in a newsroom must have made it his project to give the hapless Beto just enough publicity to force him on the public eye. Too bad they couldn’t get him to read from a better script. Every time he opened his mouth the stupid came pouring out and destroyed any doubts about how empty his big head was. So Beto is the poster child for the group. What does he do now? He’s not qualified for any useful task and he’s too well known to attempt a normal life as, say, a lifeguard or a movie usher. His choices are either to be locked away in a mad house or given a show on MSNBC. Interestingly enough, Chris Matthews’ “retirement” provides a ready-made spot for Beto. His audience would be almost as stupid as he is and therefore reasonably willing to listen to him jabber on in Spanglish about how, “el hombre naranja est muy malo.” You know the more I think about it the better I like it. In fact, I think all failed Democrat politicians should be warehoused on MSNBC or CNN. Eventually that much stupidity concentrated in one place should tear a hole in the fabric of space and suck the whole studio straight into another dimension, hopefully one inhabited by some Lovecraftian horror that can feast on their stupidity for millennia.
I know I’ve gone a little overboard but darn it I’m gonna miss those losers and I didn’t want to let them go without saying goodbye.