Category: Trump

A Biden Carol (Part 3)

photog Biden Humor, Current Events, Humor, Trump , , ,

Scene 1 – White House Residence / 2 a.m.

Biden – Holy Crap!  I think this thing is for real.  They know everything I’ve done and why I did it.  My only hope is to win the 2024 election and win over the American people.  I know.  I’ll say all that MAGA stuff.  The rubes eat that up.  All I’ve got to do is freshen up my “Scranton Joe” act and I’ll be back on easy street.

Ghost of Biden Present – That’s what you think.

Biden – Donald Trump?  What are you doing here?  I thought I was going to meet the Ghost of Biden Present.

Ghost of Biden Present – I’m here because I’m going to be the Ghost of Biden Present.

Biden – Oh come on man!  That’s not fair!

Ghost of Biden Present – Why would a crooked rat like you get treated fair?  I got the job because I told them I’d twist the knife every chance I got.  Believe me when I say no one is looking to help you, Joe.  The only friends you’ve got are paid and that doesn’t exactly guarantee loyalty.

Biden – Look Donald.  None of that stuff we’ve been doing to you is personal.  Garland is just following the law.  It’s completely by the books.

Ghost of Biden Present – Don’t waste your time.  I’m here to show you what people really think of you.

Biden – Well, that’s all just a partisan exercise.  Your voters are against me and mine are for me.

Ghost of Biden Present – You haven’t been paying attention to the polls or the social media sites.  You’re about as popular a herpes.

Biden – Which kind?

Ghost of Biden Present – Both.  Even the 25% of people who say they’ll vote for you are holding their noses to do it.

Biden – I don’t believe you.  There are millions of Americans who love and trust “good old uncle Joe.”

Ghost of Biden Present – Well, we’re going to go out tonight and let you talk to the people.

Biden – Should I hold onto your sleeve and we’ll be whisked along through the air?

Ghost of Biden Present – No we’re taking the front door and walking down Pennsylvania Avenue.

(Exit)

 

Scene 2 – Washington D.C.

 

Biden – What are all these homeless encampments doing in the capitol of the greatest country on Earth?

Ghost of Biden Present – You put them there, numb nuts.  These are all the people who’ve been displaced since you opened up the border and let illegal immigrants and fentanyl flood the country.

Biden – My border policy is smart, humane and very popular with the American people.

Ghost of Biden Present – Really?  Let’s test out your theory.

(Trump whistles loudly on his fingers and addresses the crowd.)

Hey folks, here’s “President” Biden.  He wants to get your opinions on his border policy.

Random Homeless Man – It’s really him.  Let’s get him!

Biden – (As he’s being dragged away by his heels  and kicked in the head and ribs by the murderous crowd)

Donald, Donald don’t leave me here.  Get me out of here before they murder me.  How can I learn my lesson if I’m dead.

Ghost of Biden Present – Don’t worry Joe.  You can’t be killed in this little demonstration.

Biden – What do you mean?  Those kicks hurt!

Ghost of Biden Present – No the beating will hurt like a bastard for sure.  But you won’t die.  That way it can go on for a very long time.  I’ll see you later Joey, much later.

Biden – Help Trump, help!  Don’t leave me here!

Folks, ouch, we’ll build back better together, ow, Bidenomics is making this the most robust economy in the world, ah, the green economy is lifting all boats, Ahhhhhhhhhh!

(Exit)

Colorado Wake Up Call

photog Current Events, Trump , , ,

If anyone, not on the Left, needed any further proof of the lack of political freedom in this country, the decision of the Colorado Supreme Court has hopefully provided it.  Bottom line; the powers that be will decide which candidates you are allowed to choose between.  Maybe it would be more efficient if on January 1st the Department of Truth just tells us in advance who will win the November election and saved us all that time and expense.  Maybe it’s Nikki Haley’s turn.  After all she’s slightly smarter than Kamala Harris, better looking and she will have the same policies as Joe and Kamala.  And she has the added bonus that she can drag along another ten percent of the electorate who call themselves compassionate conservatives, whatever that means.

I’m reconciled with the Left keeping Donald Trump off the ballot.  People should know what’s what.  Enough making believe.  Look around you and understand how things get done.  If Trump wouldn’t play ball with the State Department and CIA over Ukraine then they stage a race war and then a pandemic.  And if he’s still too popular to beat in an election then just bring out the “vote harvesting” and manufacture a presidency.  If the Biden agenda bankrupts the nation and alienates 70% of the electorate, why simply manufacture an insurrection charge against Trump and presto-change-o, we get candidate Nikki Haley.

In effect that is what they mean by “our democracy.”  What they really mean is “their oligarchy.”

Well, there you go.  That’s what it is.  And unless someone really wants to go toe to toe with their mafia gang you live under that oligarchy.  What you don’t have to do is pretend it’s some sacred arrangement.  You have to pay the mafia shakedown guy.  You don’t have to pretend you like it.  And when the day comes that some other mafia gang comes along and tries to knock them off their pedestal it’s definitely not your job to take up arms for them.  Let them send their own sons off to die.  That’s the nature of a mob.  They’re killers and they better be the best at it or someone stronger or nastier will knock them over.

For us it’s a matter of surviving in an oligarchic tyranny.  There are all kinds of strategies and tactics.  Mostly find a spot outside of the epicenters of the regime and try to hold onto whatever prosperity they haven’t managed to extract from their slaves.  Find a spot where they haven’t managed to hem in their cattle in the tightest pen.

And maybe someday when the disastrous global policies of this regime lead to catastrophe, which becomes more likely every day, then there will be a strong enough reaction to pull down this regime and install more moderate maniacs who will confine themselves to simply stealing money and not killing off the majority of their citizens through nonsensical policies like green energy and de-industrialization.

But until then watch what happens.  If Trump stays on the ballots and wins the election then I have wildly overestimated the strength and arrogance of the regime.  If he ends up in jail then I’ve got it about right.

A Biden Carol (Part 2)

photog Biden Humor, Current Events, Humor, Trump , , ,

Scene 1 – White House Residence / 1 a.m.

Biden – I really must be cracking up.  What a horrible nightmare that was.  And I’m not even in bed.  C’mon Joe.  Snap out of it.  It must have been the Adderall wearing off.  Get a grip.  What’s that light I see glowing before my eyes?

Ghost of Biden Past – I am the Ghost of Biden Past.

Biden – Is that really a thing?

Ghost of Biden Past – No, I’m just the guy who got stuck with this gig.  But work with me here.  We’re trying to line this thing up with Dickens.

Biden – Sure, sure.  Are you going to show me all the things in my past that I should feel gratitude about and help me to be a better man?

Ghost of Biden Past – No, that ship has sailed, hit an iceberg and sunk to the bottom of the ocean.  I’m here to remind you of all the horrible stuff you’ve done so that it’s crystal clear why the perpetual gruesome agony you are slated for will be completely justified.

Biden – Wow!  No partial credit for that time I saved that amphibious lander when I shot down the Japanese Zero back in dubya, dubya two?

Ghost of Biden Past – Joe, you were born in 1942.

Biden – Oh, right.  I must be thinking of my service in Viet Nam.

Ghost of Biden Past – No you dodged the draft for Viet Nam.

Biden – So you’re not gonna work with me here.

Ghost of Biden Past – Work with you?  I’m rooting for you to get the perpetual wood chipper option.  In fact, I’ve got fifty bucks on it in the office pool.

Biden – Surely all that good work I did while in the Senate must buy me some good will up there.

Ghost of Biden Past – Up there?  Even Lucifer doesn’t want to work on your case.  He was thinking of farming you out to the Great Old Ones.  But Cthulhu said, nothing doing.  So, we’re stuck with you.

Biden – Surely someone from my past will speak in my defense.

Ghost of Biden Past – Yes, there was one character witness who was able to remove a very small charge from your list of sins.  We found Corn Pop and he said you never threatened him with a chain.  Apparently, you just ran off and never came back to the lifeguard gig you had.

Biden – That’s a lie.  He was a very bad dude and I stood up to him.

Ghost of Biden Past – Well, we checked out that story.  Corn Pop back then was an asthmatic camp counselor at the local YMCA with coke bottle glasses and a limp.  Now he’s a retired postal worker.

Biden – Yeah well, that’s not how I remember it.  So, what’s next?

Ghost of Biden Past – We’re going to walk you through the highlights of your various activities.  We’ve got Juanita Broaddrick and that summer with you “showering” with your underaged daughter.  We’ll go through the work you did getting Hunter to where he is now.  Then we’ll go over your work as the “Big Guy” and all of the stuff you did “for the country” while working for Obama.  For fun we’ll go over the blooper reel with your hair plugs and aviator shades.  It’ll be a busy time.

Biden – So this doesn’t look so good.  Should I get a lawyer or a character witness?  How about my old friend Barack.  Everybody loves him.

Ghost of Biden Past – Yeahhhh, about that.  Old Bathhouse Barry has his own ‘splainin’ to do.  I don’t think that would be wise.

Biden – Alright let’s start the tour.  Will there be lunch?

Ghost of Biden Past – Don’t worry there will be some roasted meat sooner than you think.

(Exit)

Full Blown Trump Derangement Syndrome

photog Current Events, Trump , ,

The amount of projection and the lack of self-awareness is stunning.  But the comedic value is very high.  The whole cast of characters is here.  The only ones missing are Obama and Biden.  They even dug Hillary up somehow.  She’s starting to look like the Crypt Keeper muppet.

 

 

What Are the Odds?

photog Current Events, Fake Science, Humor, Trump , , ,

According to quantum mechanics (or is Stan Lee?) every time a subatomic particle has a choice of moving in one direction or another it spawns two separate realities.  And taking all such choices together, it produces an infinity of separate realities (or universes) associated with these different futures that exist side by side.  Now the Marvel Cinematic Universe has documented this highly scientific quantum behavior with a panoply of Spidermen in the multiverse.  And for all I know they have added a few Spider-transmen to round things out.  And because of the Kathleen Kennedy imperative (“PUT A CHICK IN IT AND MAKE HER LAME AND GAY”} there will need to be some Spiderwomen, spiderlesbians and hopefully BIPoC spidertrans-women but most especially Latinx spidertrans-lesbians.  Maybe not in that order.  After all one cannot constrain the artistic endeavor.

But thinking about all this quantum physics was incredibly stimulating.  I started to imagine the multiverse of 2024 election outcomes and the futures it will spawn.  For instance, in one universe Joe Biden is struck by lightning and it resets his brain so that he can speak English and walk down stairs without tumbling.  But it also forces him to only speak the truth and so he’s assassinated by the FBI for disseminating the document that lists the FBI agents and assets and the scripts and roles they played in the January 6th frame-up.

In another universe Donald Trump declares himself a dictator for one day and has all the data files that the intelligence agencies have collected on Americans erased, reveals who killed Kennedy and forces MSNBC to broadcast Obama’s gay sex tapes during Black History Month.

In yet another universe the most unlikely set of outcomes all occur simultaneously and the American voters come to their senses in numbers so overwhelming that they elect huge majorities of Republicans to the House and Senate.  And Trump wins 45 states and re-enters the White House with an ironclad mandate.  And with that combination they undo the last fifty years of unconstitutional skullduggery and make the United States a free country for the first time in generations.  They fire seventy percent of the federal employees.  They cancel the Patriot Act.  They eject tens of millions of illegal aliens.  They balance the budget.  And they impeach all the judges that were appointed by Clinton, Obama and Biden and replace them with the guys who were imprisoned during the January 6th witch hunt.  And then they appoint Rudy Giuliani special prosecutor to clean up all the dirt that’s gone on since Obama came into office and have the trials located in Oklahoma.  Crazy, right?

Of course, I expect the most likely outcome in this multiverse is the one we expect.  That’s the one where crooked judges and prosecutors hand-pick leftist jurors and convict Donald Trump of bogus crimes in their kangaroo courts and then use millions of fraudulent ballots to win the 2024 presidential election and use that outcome to finish off what’s left of this once great nation.  Of course.

But even in this most likely of all universes, there is still room for all of this to be the trigger for a cosmic backlash.  You could imagine that all of this negative karma building on itself could warp the very fabric of space-time and spawn a reaction.  I could imagine that the day after the “winners” of the fake elections are declared, the disgusted Republican voters stage a complete work stoppage across the whole country.  Truckers stop delivering food to the cities and oil and gas isn’t delivered.  And all the cops go out on strike.  In fact, we all go out on strike.  And after a couple of weeks when the LGBTQ national guard units admit they can’t drive trucks, Washington might fold and sues for mercy.

And that’s my favorite super hero ending.  Sorry Deadpool.

Isn’t physics wonderful?

Throw the Dice One More Time

photog Current Events, Trump , , ,

Not too many years ago I thought that all conspiracy theories were absurd.  JFK, RFK, 9/11, Pearl Harbor.  How could all these absurd things be true?  But after all the goings on that have happened in the last few years, if I can think of a government agency that might benefit from a covert operation to misdirect the American people I’ll be just as likely to believe it as not.

The things that went on in 2020/2021 were madness and they were directed by various parts of our government.  Various blue state governments and the FBI sat back and watched anarchists travel from state to state to orchestrate riots that destroyed billions of dollars of property and claimed lives.

The COVID lockdowns were once again a joint effort between blue state governments and Anthony Fauci to shut down our economy and create an excuse for absentee and mail-in voting that allowed the local Democrats to rig the presidential elections.  These things were done right in front of our eyes.  Very little effort was put into disguising the methods or the intent of these actions.

A lot has happened in the last three years.  Biden and his “build back better” grift has done a real number on the economy.  Inflation has been ignited and the results have not been lost on the American public.  Dementia Joe keeps telling everyone what a great economy it is but when the cost of everything has doubled it’s kind of hard to convince people that things have never been better.

And in fact, it’s finally soaked into his bone-head that he won’t be able to make the sale.  There are just too many things wrong to allow the usual Democrat shuffle.  So, they’re looking for some other angle to make his election seem plausible.

In fact, it’s gotten so bad that in a recent presidential poll Joe was losing among key Democrat constituencies like Hispanics and women to Donald Trump!  But that brings me to the point of this post.  With Joe’s poll numbers dangerously low, is there any chance that the boys would allow Trump to win?

You may think this is a trivial question.  I don’t think it is.  The stakes keep getting higher on both the up and down sides of this gamble.  The economy is really starting to melt down.  The foreign policy landscape is getting pretty scary.  And the breakdown of law and order is even starting to frighten urban Democrats.  Will the fixers decide to steal one more election and hope things will turn around?

It’s starting to look like a degenerate gambler that’s already lost his life savings and is about to mortgage his house to double down for one more throw of the dice.  So, would they go to ludicrous lengths to fake an election win?  Will the wildly unpopular Joe Biden somehow find five or ten million extra votes just to let this charade go on until 2028?  And do they even want to?

As I said, the stakes are already pretty high.  Trump has said that he is going to fire many of his enemies in the Justice and State departments and in fact many other areas of the federal bureaucracy.  So, rigging an election may be the only way for these people to hold onto their power and comfortable lifestyles.  But at the same time, the mood of the public is becoming decidedly ugly toward what is going on in Washington.  Do they really despise the opinion of the American electorate so thoroughly that thwarting the will of the people is now of no consequence in their calculus?

So, there’s the question?  At this point will they go to any lengths to keep themselves in power?

I can’t make up my mind but my gut says yes.  They’ve come this far and there’s no going back.  If the federal bureaucracy is ever cleaned out these people in the Justice Department run the risk of prison.  If anyone ever gives whistleblower evidence to honest prosecutors and judges the bad guys would end up with life sentences at best.  So, I guess come November we’ll see a re-run of 2020.  Joe Biden will be re-elected by millions and Donald Trump will go to prison.

And that will be the clear end of the legitimacy of American elections.  At that point a different way of looking at life in America will be needed by our side.  At the moment I do not know what it will be.

Late Night photog – 3 – Cthulhu Fills In

photog Current Events, Humor, Life in Dunwich, OCF, photog's Corner, Trump , , , , ,

Cthulhu – Well we’re back.  And for those tuning in late I’m Cthulhu and I’m filling in for photog while he explains some things to the FBI in DC this week.  Well, we hope it’s just this week because, honestly, I do have better things to do than amuse his audience, I can tell you that.  But enough complaining.  We’ve got a great show tonight.  I’ve provided my own band this week.  I’ve got George Harrison, Roy Orbison and Tom Petty of the Stationary Wilburys and they’ll be singing their new song, “Come on Down Bob, it’s a Dry Heat.”  And later on, I’ll be talking to Sadaam Hussein about his new book, “They Weren’t Kidding!”

But now let’s give a big hand to that master of disaster, Henry Kissinger!  Hey Henry, how the hell are you?

Kissinger – Funny you should put it that way, Cthulhu.  It is a bit hot down there for my liking but I won’t bore you with my problems.  All in all, it’s been an interesting experience.  I’ve had a chance to catch up with Dick Nixon and some of the other boys from my salad days.  Good times.  But really my next assignment is what I’m interested in.

Cthulhu – What’s that Henry?

Kissinger – I’m doing contract work for the administration down there.  Apparently, Lucifer is short on strategic thinkers, at least modern ones.  Would you believe it, Metternich was still on the job down there.  He never got anything done but just kept repeating “Might through Right! Might through Right!”  Hopeless old bird.  I don’t know what people saw in him.

Cthulhu – What kind of strategic planning does Hell need?

Kissinger – Trust me.  Everyone needs planning.  Recently Black Rock reduced our ESG score because we hadn’t assigned pronouns for Baphomet on his infernal stationery and business cards.  Those guys are brutal and they just don’t give a crap who they hurt.  So, I busted my hump first day, right out of the chute and got BR to cut us a little slack until I had a chance to reform things.  Luckily for the Prince of Darkness I know where the bodies are buried at Black Rock so everything worked out.  But I tell you there’s no rest for the wicked.  Literally!

Cthulhu – Tell me about it!  Last month I was returning from laying waste to a stellar system inhabited by fungoid beetle beings.  You know, real eldritch Great Old Ones stuff.  And accidentally I tracked in a little plutonium from the finale.  Well somehow the EPA and the NRC got wind of it and now they’re all up in my business and they’re even threatening to pull my NGO status and shut down my cult.  Bureaucrats.

Kissinger – Well, I don’t want to interfere but my contract with Lucifer isn’t exclusive and I still have lots of friends in Washington.  If you’d like, I’ll straighten the thing out for you.

Cthulhu – Why, that’s mighty nice of you Henry.  How can I repay you?

Kissinger – Funny you should ask.  There’s one thing I could really use is a flunky down here.  I need someone with absolutely no scruples, an inveterate liar and low intelligence as a whipping boy in my dealing with his Satanic Majesty.

Cthulhu – You want Biden?

Kissinger – In a word, yes.  He’s not due down here for ten more years but if you’ve got the bandwidth, it would really help me out if he could be delivered in early 2025.

Cthulhu – Hey no problem.  I’m supposed to ease him out of his gig this year so consider it done.  But I tell you; dealing directly with him is no picnic.  Even I feel contaminated after dealing with that skunk.  Well, to each his own.

Kissinger – Thanks.  But I better be going.  I don’t want to be late for my morning lake of fire immersion.  If I’m last, I get stuck next to Hitler and Stalin and then it’s just bitch, bitch, bitch.

Cthulhu – Everybody, Henry Kissinger!  Give him a big Late-Night round of applause.

Late Night photog – 2

photog Current Events, OCF, Trump , , , , ,

photog – Welcome back.  While you were watching that fascinating laxative/ADHD commercial my guests were comparing notes on libel cases they had going on.  President Trump was discussing the slander that has been making the rounds on the cable channels and other cesspools of the mainstream media.  Mr. President, are the accusations and fantasies about you setting up a fascist dictatorship in your next term something you’d be likely to pursue through a lawsuit.

Donald Trump – Negative, photog.  All of that chatter is protected by the first amendment.  I’m a public figure.  They’re allowed to say almost anything.  I’m reduced to just waiting until I’m in office and then we’ll see what’s what.

Cthulhu – I disagree Donald.  You’re really limiting your options.

Donald Trump – What do you mean CMan?  How can I get around the prerogatives of the press?

Cthulhu – Well, for instance if someone blasphemed against my eldritch self, I’d start by forcing nightmares of cosmic horror to haunt his every sleeping and waking moment.  In these nightmares he would experience the sensation of his flesh being slowly eaten away by a corrosive bath of slime that started at his feet and worked its way up to his head.  Then when he hadn’t had a moment of peace for two weeks, I’d send a parasite to crawl into his ear one night and begin slowly to gnaw away at his brain.  Eventually only his skull would be left.  It’s a fan favorite I highly recommend.

Donald Trump – Well, that was my plan B.  But this is network tv and I don’t like to let the cat out of the bag, so to speak.  But tell me CMan, doesn’t the FBI come looking for you when you say these kinds of things in public like this?

Cthulhu – They used to Donald back in the good old days.  And it was very exciting because with all the diversity and inclusion that the FBI has been practicing the variety has been amazing.  They’ve even added capon to the menu.

photog – Capon?

Cthulhu – I think they call them post-op trans-women agents.  But potato/puhtata.  They’re wonderful with a tobacco sauce marinade.  I like them cold with beer so I pop them in the fridge for a day or so.  I just wait for them to stop screeching and I know they’re ready.  And then I put them in a bowl and watch some old favorites on TCM.  I’m a sucker for those old screwball comedies.  Or a good old adventure story like Gunga Din or Kim.  But they must be running out of capon, uh agents.  None have shown up for months.

Donald Trump – CMan, not being a Great Old One I don’t have the leeway you do with respect to the criminal justice system.  I’ve got to admit it sounds kind of exciting.  Well, not the cannibal stuff, but the brain eating bug thing.  That probably solves a lot of problems.  There are at least a half dozen or so prosecutors and judges that would really benefit from having about half their brains eaten away.

Cthulhu – I tell you what.  I’ll FedEx my copy of the Necronomicon with a post-it on the page with the spell for the brain bug and you see what you think.  No pressure.  I’ve got a website that’ll only charge you by the amount of brain that gets eaten.  You can stop whenever you want and you won’t even get a lot of spam bugging you for more business.

Donald Trump – That would be great CMan.  I doubt that any of them has more than a few ounces of brains anyway so I’m sure I’ll be able to swing the payments.  Although I will say, things have been kind of tight lately.  I had to sell off the gold toilet and downgrade to silver.

Cthulhu – Damn shame.  Sorry to hear it.  Well don’t worry.  I read the other day that you’ll be instituting a fascist dictatorship once you’re reelected.  I’m sure you’ll recoup your losses afterwards.

Donald Trump – Well, I hope so, but these things are tricky.  For every Franco there are probably ten Pol Pots so you never know.

photog – I’m sorry to break up this discussion but we’ve got to go to commercial.  Take it away, Study-Lax.

Late Night photog

photog Current Events, Humor, Life in Dunwich, photog's Corner, Trump , , , ,

photog – Welcome back to the show.  During the commercial break Senator Spekanaty had to leave to catch his flight back to DC.  But our next guest will be sure to please.  Of course, after his tour de force performance at the fourth Republican 2024 presidential primary debate he needs no introduction.  Give a big welcome to Great Old One, Cthulhu.

Off to the side of photog’s desk a large video screen lights up and shows the six-hundred-foot-tall squid-headed dragon seated on his throne inside his lair.  At his side is a hundred-foot-high glass bowl containing about forty live humans cowering at the bottom.  While speaking to the late night tv show host the eldritch god would occasionally reach into the bowl and pop one of the people in his mouth, much as one of us would eat a peanut from a bowl while speaking on the phone.

CTHULHU – Thank you photog.  You’re much too kind.  I merely provided a much-needed clarification on how to ensure civility and avoid confusion during these political debates.  If a pathological liar like Christie is allowed to continuously muddy the waters with misinformation about the possibility of reforming the federal government, why, people are liable to lose faith in the basic goodness of public servants.  In good faith I couldn’t allow that to continue.  Also, I was feeling a might peckish and he looked juicy and delicious.

photog – But weren’t you afraid that devouring the former governor of New Jersey would strike the wrong note when you were trying to represent Donald Trump to the audience of that debate?

CTHULHU – Why photog I don’t see how that could be.  For weeks everyone has been complaining about how candidates like Christie and Pence were wasting space on the stage that the front-runners should be using to explain their platforms to the Republican voters.  Pence had the decency to bow out.  Since Christie refused, I merely gave him an assist.

photog – So you feel no remorse?

CTHULHU – Remorse?  No.  Maybe a slight gall bladder attack.  Chris really packs a punch when it comes to the triglycerides.  Woof!  But look, we’ve got to get our message out.  Lots of people have lost faith after the events of 2020.  We’ve got to show we’re serious about reforming the federal government and clearly working within the bureaucracy’s rulebook is only going to result in the same failures we saw before.  Clearly bold and innovative methods are necessary.

photog – And eating up thousands of employees of the administrative state is that method?

CTHULHU – Hey look.  I’ve been restructuring dysfunctional organizations for a couple of billion years now both within this space-time continuum and without.  And I’ve never seen anything that gets the job done faster and better than chowing down on the dead wood that are standing in the way of progress.  And in fact, think of how this method also works to decrease the deficit and debt situation.  Every civil servant I eat is one less parasite drawing a salary and eventually a pension from the US Treasury.  It’s clearly a win-win.

photog – But couldn’t you just fire them?

CTHULHU – How cute!  You think that Washington works that way.  Trust me, you’ll be dead and buried before any FBI, IRS or State Department hack gets fired by the next Republican administration.  No, it’s eat them or nothing.  There’s no third way.

photog – Well, I guess you know what’s best.  But can you tell the audience of any other innovations that the Trump administration is planning to unveil before the election?

CTHULHU – Certainly photog.  After paring down the bureaucracy by 80 or 90%, I intend to make it my priority to reform the tech industries.  To that end I will be spending several weeks visiting the headquarters of Alphabet, Meta, Microsoft and various other social media companies.  I think I should meet face to face with Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates and their peers.  I have a few “suggestions” that I want to bat around with them.  I have this theory that if I show up looking in the 50th story window of their C-Suite offices that good things are bound to happen.  Now granted, I’m fairly sure that these fellows will end up lodged in my alimentary canal.  But we all need a dream.  And my dream is that one day these people will take a hint and do what I want them to do and avoid being eaten.  Sure, it won’t happen tomorrow or even ten years from tomorrow but eventually if I eat enough of these people Darwinian selection will lead to a better class of tech giants.  And that is my dream.

photog – Well, all I can say is may your dream come true.

CTHULHU – Sure, sure.  But hopefully not anytime soon.  With the skyrocketing price of meat in Biden’s America I have to eat as many dead-enders as I possibly can.  A Great Old One’s gotta eat.

Anyway, photog, I’ve got to cut this short.  I’m due in Brooklyn for a rally by the Pro-Hamas coalition of ethical hipsters.  I figure between the craft beers and the hummus dip I can eat a swath through them and really clean up most of Park Slope.  I hate hipsters.  I love eating them but I detest their annoying illogic.

photog – Well thanks Cthulhu for your time.  And come back any time.

The image of the Great Old One folded his front claws together in a sign of humble farewell and the screen went dark.

photog – I guess that’s all the time we have left.  I’d like to thank our sponsor Soylent Green for their patronage and add my personal tribute to their delicious line of energy products.  Remember, “When you want to feel keen, remember to eat green!”  Good night, everybody.

Honest Debate

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump , ,

photog – Good evening, ladies and gentlemen in the studio audience and you folks watching at home.  Welcome to the fourth scheduled Republican Presidential Candidates’ Debate here at the beautiful Mar-a-Lago estate in sunny Florida, home of the front runner in the race, former President Donald J. Trump.  As you all probably know, the former President has agreed to join the debate under the condition that it be held at his estate and under the rules that he has laid out for the debate.

I’m your host Pho Tog of the OCF Broadcast Network and I will provide commentary as needed, but mostly I want to bear witness to this surely fascinating meeting.  The moderator will be Tucker Carlson and he will control the questioning.  In addition to the former President, the debate will be between Governor Ron DeSantis, former Governor Nikki Haley, businessman Vivek Ramaswamy, Senator Tim Scott and former Governor Chris Christy.

The other candidates have taken their places at their lecterns but President Trump has not yet made his appearance.  They all seem very annoyed by this turn of events.  The outdoor locale for the debate next to the lagoon while very scenic has made most of the debaters doubtful that the event will provide the gravitas that such an important occasion deserves.  With their backs to the water the candidates face a stage where Mr. Carlson stands at a lectern with his notes, a microphone and a keypad.

And now to add to the unorthodox nature of the event I can see and hear the surface of the lagoon behind the candidates roiling.  And now breaking the surface is the cephalopodic visage of the Great Old One Cthulhu.  He has walked ashore and has brought with him his own custom lectern, probably three hundred and fifty feet tall, but no notes that I can see.  There is considerable consternation among the human debate participants.  And Cthulhu is addressing them.  Let’s listen in.

CTHULHU – Moderator Carlson, I come with a message from President Donald J. Trump.

Tucker – What is your message O, Great Old One?

CTHULHU – He says and I quote, “I agreed to be represented in this debate but I did not mean personally.  I have sent my emissary the Great Old One Cthulhu, and really, he’s the greatest and oldest one, to represent me amongst this field of pygmies.  He is great just as I am great.  He will provide really great answers to all of Tucker’s questions which will also be great.  Enjoy the buffet.”

Christie – This is an outrage.  Donald Trump has shown his true colors by chickening out of his commitment.  I won’t stand for this cowardice.

Tucker – Do you intend to leave?

Christie – No, I will use this event to prove to America that I am the man who can get the job done.  I’m not a slacker like Trump.

Tucker – Alright, let’s move forward with the debate.  The first question is for Donald Trump which will be answered by his surrogate, the Great Old One Cthulhu.  If you are elected president, how do you intend to prevent the FBI from sabotaging your administration by spying on your cabinet, arresting your officials and generally disrupting your agenda as they did in your previous term.

CTHULHU – All great leaders achieve their results by attacking their enemies head on.  On the first day in office, I intend to go to FBI headquarters and personally question each and every manager to see if they will carry out my mandate without question.  Any that hesitate on these terms will be terminated on the spot.

Christie – That’s ridiculous.  You can’t fire those federal civil servants.  It’s against the law.

CTHULHU – I don’t intend to fire them.  I intend to eat them.  I don’t remember hearing about any federal statute specifically forbidding that.

Christie – But that’s monstrous!

CTHULHU – Well technically I am a monster.

Christie – But Trump isn’t.  He can’t eat people.

CTHULHU – Well, fine.  Then he can have me appointed as provisional Attorney General and I can eat them then.

Christie – I think I’ve listened to just about enough of this nonsense.  This is just more of Trump’s MAGA tough talk.  He couldn’t get it done last time and he won’t get it done this time.  And he was too afraid to face me on this stage like a man so he sent this squid-headed freak to spout his lies.  He won’t fix the government because no one is eating anyone!

photog – Ladies and gentlemen, the video feed has been stopped.  After Christie’s comment Cthulhu reached down with his massive claw, scooped up the morbidly obese politician and popped him in his mouth.  After a few muffled screams, the crunching of bones and a loud gulp Cthulhu was heard to remark, “Needed a little salt.”

After that the other candidates scattered toward the foliage and Tucker Carlson attempted to explain to Cthulhu that this might be the end of the proceedings.

Well folks this has been an interesting night.  I think we’re all grateful to Governor Christie for speaking his mind.  He certainly said what he thought.  And now we know that direct action will be a cornerstone of the next Trump administration, at least if Cthulhu is included in the Cabinet.  So good night from Mar-a-Lago and I’ll see you at the next Republican debate.  Oh, who am I kidding.  That was the last one.  Bring on Joe Biden and some ranch dressing.

Cthulhu