Category: Humor

Honest Debate

photog Current Events, Humor, Trump , ,

photog – Good evening, ladies and gentlemen in the studio audience and you folks watching at home.  Welcome to the fourth scheduled Republican Presidential Candidates’ Debate here at the beautiful Mar-a-Lago estate in sunny Florida, home of the front runner in the race, former President Donald J. Trump.  As you all probably know, the former President has agreed to join the debate under the condition that it be held at his estate and under the rules that he has laid out for the debate.

I’m your host Pho Tog of the OCF Broadcast Network and I will provide commentary as needed, but mostly I want to bear witness to this surely fascinating meeting.  The moderator will be Tucker Carlson and he will control the questioning.  In addition to the former President, the debate will be between Governor Ron DeSantis, former Governor Nikki Haley, businessman Vivek Ramaswamy, Senator Tim Scott and former Governor Chris Christy.

The other candidates have taken their places at their lecterns but President Trump has not yet made his appearance.  They all seem very annoyed by this turn of events.  The outdoor locale for the debate next to the lagoon while very scenic has made most of the debaters doubtful that the event will provide the gravitas that such an important occasion deserves.  With their backs to the water the candidates face a stage where Mr. Carlson stands at a lectern with his notes, a microphone and a keypad.

And now to add to the unorthodox nature of the event I can see and hear the surface of the lagoon behind the candidates roiling.  And now breaking the surface is the cephalopodic visage of the Great Old One Cthulhu.  He has walked ashore and has brought with him his own custom lectern, probably three hundred and fifty feet tall, but no notes that I can see.  There is considerable consternation among the human debate participants.  And Cthulhu is addressing them.  Let’s listen in.

CTHULHU – Moderator Carlson, I come with a message from President Donald J. Trump.

Tucker – What is your message O, Great Old One?

CTHULHU – He says and I quote, “I agreed to be represented in this debate but I did not mean personally.  I have sent my emissary the Great Old One Cthulhu, and really, he’s the greatest and oldest one, to represent me amongst this field of pygmies.  He is great just as I am great.  He will provide really great answers to all of Tucker’s questions which will also be great.  Enjoy the buffet.”

Christie – This is an outrage.  Donald Trump has shown his true colors by chickening out of his commitment.  I won’t stand for this cowardice.

Tucker – Do you intend to leave?

Christie – No, I will use this event to prove to America that I am the man who can get the job done.  I’m not a slacker like Trump.

Tucker – Alright, let’s move forward with the debate.  The first question is for Donald Trump which will be answered by his surrogate, the Great Old One Cthulhu.  If you are elected president, how do you intend to prevent the FBI from sabotaging your administration by spying on your cabinet, arresting your officials and generally disrupting your agenda as they did in your previous term.

CTHULHU – All great leaders achieve their results by attacking their enemies head on.  On the first day in office, I intend to go to FBI headquarters and personally question each and every manager to see if they will carry out my mandate without question.  Any that hesitate on these terms will be terminated on the spot.

Christie – That’s ridiculous.  You can’t fire those federal civil servants.  It’s against the law.

CTHULHU – I don’t intend to fire them.  I intend to eat them.  I don’t remember hearing about any federal statute specifically forbidding that.

Christie – But that’s monstrous!

CTHULHU – Well technically I am a monster.

Christie – But Trump isn’t.  He can’t eat people.

CTHULHU – Well, fine.  Then he can have me appointed as provisional Attorney General and I can eat them then.

Christie – I think I’ve listened to just about enough of this nonsense.  This is just more of Trump’s MAGA tough talk.  He couldn’t get it done last time and he won’t get it done this time.  And he was too afraid to face me on this stage like a man so he sent this squid-headed freak to spout his lies.  He won’t fix the government because no one is eating anyone!

photog – Ladies and gentlemen, the video feed has been stopped.  After Christie’s comment Cthulhu reached down with his massive claw, scooped up the morbidly obese politician and popped him in his mouth.  After a few muffled screams, the crunching of bones and a loud gulp Cthulhu was heard to remark, “Needed a little salt.”

After that the other candidates scattered toward the foliage and Tucker Carlson attempted to explain to Cthulhu that this might be the end of the proceedings.

Well folks this has been an interesting night.  I think we’re all grateful to Governor Christie for speaking his mind.  He certainly said what he thought.  And now we know that direct action will be a cornerstone of the next Trump administration, at least if Cthulhu is included in the Cabinet.  So good night from Mar-a-Lago and I’ll see you at the next Republican debate.  Oh, who am I kidding.  That was the last one.  Bring on Joe Biden and some ranch dressing.

Cthulhu

Greatest Hits from Biden’s Q&A in Vietnam

photog Biden Humor, Current Events ,

I guess if you multiply mush-brain by jet lag the result is breath-takingly disjointed.  It’s almost as if he’s performing an impression of what he remembers he used to sound like.  He even threw in the dog-faced pony soldier shtick. .All that was missing from his greatest hits collection was Corn Pop and the leg hair.

Of course, maybe this is a performance to allow the long awaited announcement that Biden will step aside and someone else will run in 2024.  Well, I’ll bite.  Anyone who is willing to sound like this on purpose has earned the right to walk away.

But the rest of the world must be starting to worry whether we’ve gone nuts.  And it is a valid question.  Our politics has forced the establishment to foist a doddering embarrassment on them as the legitimate leader of the “free world.”  Well, the charade hasn’t gone well.  The laundry list of things that are imploding has gotten so long that even the true believers like the Mayor of New York are freaking out over the various policies that are destroying his city.

Even the Democrats running this thing may be getting scared now.  There’s probably a wing of the party that’s starting to wish the neo-cons could be dragged off to an insane asylum before they trigger a nuclear exchange.  But the show must go on.  It’s a year or so before they pull out “Voter Fraud 2024 – The Re-Boot.”  That should be entertaining and educational.  We’ll get to see just how cooked we are.

 

Recording Poetic Justice for Laughs

photog Biden Humor, Current Events, Humor

So what to write about when I’ve foresworn speculating about the coming revolution?  Well, the only thing to talk about then is what it’s like at ground zero.  We’re all witnesses to a seminal moment in American and world history.  We get to watch a myth die.  The Democrats and the Deep State are cooperating in the murder of the America we grew up in.  And they’re doing a thorough job.  I’d say that fully 35% of Americans are as disillusioned with this country as it’s possible to be.  Probably another 30% are confused and a little scared about the way things seem to be going.  And the other 35% are a combination of idiots, wokesters and crooks.  And every day is another experiment to see what Madhouse America will teach us.

A continuing theme has been the prevalence of geriatric crooks running our government.  Biden and Feinstein have of late been joined by Mush-brain Mitch McConnell.  And he’s giving Dementia Joe a run for his money.  But whereas Joe just spouts nonsense, Mitch suddenly seizes up like the Tin-Man from the “Wizard of Oz.”  When he stands there staring into space I expect him to mumble “oil can” through frozen jaws.

But old crooks are hardly our biggest problem.  Truly everywhere we look we can see madness and dysfunction.  The litany is endless.  But this week I had an epiphany.  Laughter is an answer.  What I look for is poetic justice.  Whether it’s Sanctuary Cities squawking at the cost of housing illegal aliens.  Or tribal police manhandling environmental protestors blocking the roads to Burning Man.  Or transgendered NGO workers discovering that African and Middle Eastern governments really do want to do very bad things to them if they fly the rainbow flag.  Or woke baristas discovering that having their customers robbed and assaulted by homeless crackheads every single day is going to make a coffee shop quite a bit less profitable.

Each of these events has something in common with the others.  First off, each provides a healthy dose of schadenfreude.  That alone makes them valuable because laughing at our enemy’s misfortunes is priceless.  But they also provide a morsel of hope.  Because each one showcases some weakness of our enemies based on their adopting some tenet of their philosophy that flies in the face of reality.  And it’s this refusal to face reality that contains the seeds of their downfall.

Now whether that downfall is imminent or centuries in the future is the problem.  For all I know, illegal aliens may continue flooding the country for several more generations before collapse takes down the USA.  In that case my mockery of the complaining city fathers of NYC or Chicago is pretty weak tea.  But what certainly is true is the joy I experience when I mock these people.  So, whether or not the big picture is changed by my enjoyment I’m positively impacted.

And I think I’ve discovered that readers like these stories too.  I think a lot of people are like me.  They hate the enemy and take joy in their discomfiture.  Some people might say this is petty or even wrong.  I disagree.  Celebrating their defeats even minor ones is an objective good that should be developed.

So that is why you can expect to see more current events posts that mock our adversaries’ misfortunes.  From my point of view this is a useful output for my site.  So, let the flames begin.

“We’re Environmental Protestors, Please!”

photog Current Events, Fake Science, Humor , ,

Here’s my public service for the day.  I’ve been watching this clip for a few days and it never gets old.  A heartfelt belly laugh at the stupid and self-important.  The Gaia Worshippers.

Stupid hippies are blocking the road to Burning Man to protest, I guess, the other stupid hippies.  Then the tribal police bust up the blockade and arrest the stupid hippies.  When the cop pulls out his gun and starts manhandling one of the fat stupid hippies, another fat stupid hippie starts screeching that they are non-violent and environmental protestors and, I guess, in her mind therefore, sacrosanct.

But the cop puts his knee in the hippie’s fatty liver and cuffs her.  Comedy gold.  If only it could be Greta Thunberg!

 

25AUG2023 – Babylon Bee Laugh for Today

photog Biden Humor, Current Events, Humor ,

Once again pretty dead on.  Every day Biden has a new low point.  Telling the bereaved Hawaiians about how his car was almost burned was a another new low.  Keep it coming Joe.  Let’s these people know what they’ve voted for.  A dishonest moron.

Life Imitates the Babylon Bee

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My state has one upped this gag.  We have bridges that have been declared dangerous for decades but the state mechanism for repairing them is completely impenetrable.  Eventually the state will have to be permanently divided along the lines of all the small streams that traverse it.  Soon regional dialects will develop and eventually mutually unintelligible languages but the bridges will just become place names that adorn maps as we stare across these small bodies of water that will forever divide us.  Damn you Mayor Pete.