This is pretty funny but too close to reality.
Category: Humor
A Biden Carol (Part 4)
Scene 1 – White House Residence / 3 a.m.
Biden – What a horrible dream. All those filthy murderous bums kicking me and spitting on me and other things. And after all I’ve done for them. Making it easy for them to get fentanyl. They should be thanking me! Well, this is the last ghost. This should be easy. I’ll just tell him I’ve seen the light and I’ll get another chance. I’ll use the old shmooze.
Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – Hello Joe.
Biden – Why aren’t you dressed up as Death? Where’s your hooded cloak?
Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – We’ve moved ahead with the times. The “Yet to Come” function is now handled by a clinical team. If you’ll step this way, we’ll begin your appointment with a scan. Lay down on the table and we’ll crank up the power.
Biden – Will it hurt?
Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – Well let’s say you’ll notice a tingling.
Biden – Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tingling?
Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – Well, maybe a strong tingling. But it’s done.
Biden – What did you find out?
Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – We were able to see your future. You serve out a second term and after your death you are buried in a grand mausoleum close to the Jefferson Memorial.
Biden – Hey that sounds pretty good.
Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – But two years later all of the green energy infrastructure begins to fail and millions of people freeze to death during an extremely cold winter. A million-man march descends on Washington and tears your monument down and drags your body down to the Capitol and uses it like a pinata until there isn’t much left.
Biden – Well, that’s not so good. Are you sure about that?
Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – Yeah, the video was very clear. Would you like to review it?
Biden – No. I’ll take your word. Look, this sounds really bad. Maybe I can mend my ways. Can’t I try to fix things?
Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – Normally we’d try to come up with a remediation plan. And help you to stick by it. But we did a search for your soul. And it’s the darnedest thing, but it’s not there. Over the course of decades, it’s completely evaporated. So really there’s no point.
Biden – But how can I have no soul? I’m human. I’m alive. I must have a soul.
Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – As best we can figure, you’re working strictly by reflexes. It’s pretty remarkable. For instance, your ability to make up lies is unprecedented for someone who’s not even really there anymore. But in terms of redemption, without a soul the concept has no meaning.
Biden – But what’s going to happen to me after death.
Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – There have been cases like this in the past. After your body dies, your soul will recondense and quickly end up in its appropriate home.
Biden – Do you know where that will be?
Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – You’re kidding right?
Biden – Well, you never know. Accidents happen right?
Ghost of Biden Yet to Come – I’d pack for warm weather if I were you. Bye Joe.
Exit
Claudine Gay Accused of Stealing Steve Urkel’s Look
When confronted with the fresh plagiarism accusation the besieged Harvard president was heard to plaintively ask, “Did I do that?”
A Biden Carol (Part 3)
Scene 1 – White House Residence / 2 a.m.
Biden – Holy Crap! I think this thing is for real. They know everything I’ve done and why I did it. My only hope is to win the 2024 election and win over the American people. I know. I’ll say all that MAGA stuff. The rubes eat that up. All I’ve got to do is freshen up my “Scranton Joe” act and I’ll be back on easy street.
Ghost of Biden Present – That’s what you think.
Biden – Donald Trump? What are you doing here? I thought I was going to meet the Ghost of Biden Present.
Ghost of Biden Present – I’m here because I’m going to be the Ghost of Biden Present.
Biden – Oh come on man! That’s not fair!
Ghost of Biden Present – Why would a crooked rat like you get treated fair? I got the job because I told them I’d twist the knife every chance I got. Believe me when I say no one is looking to help you, Joe. The only friends you’ve got are paid and that doesn’t exactly guarantee loyalty.
Biden – Look Donald. None of that stuff we’ve been doing to you is personal. Garland is just following the law. It’s completely by the books.
Ghost of Biden Present – Don’t waste your time. I’m here to show you what people really think of you.
Biden – Well, that’s all just a partisan exercise. Your voters are against me and mine are for me.
Ghost of Biden Present – You haven’t been paying attention to the polls or the social media sites. You’re about as popular a herpes.
Biden – Which kind?
Ghost of Biden Present – Both. Even the 25% of people who say they’ll vote for you are holding their noses to do it.
Biden – I don’t believe you. There are millions of Americans who love and trust “good old uncle Joe.”
Ghost of Biden Present – Well, we’re going to go out tonight and let you talk to the people.
Biden – Should I hold onto your sleeve and we’ll be whisked along through the air?
Ghost of Biden Present – No we’re taking the front door and walking down Pennsylvania Avenue.
(Exit)
Scene 2 – Washington D.C.
Biden – What are all these homeless encampments doing in the capitol of the greatest country on Earth?
Ghost of Biden Present – You put them there, numb nuts. These are all the people who’ve been displaced since you opened up the border and let illegal immigrants and fentanyl flood the country.
Biden – My border policy is smart, humane and very popular with the American people.
Ghost of Biden Present – Really? Let’s test out your theory.
(Trump whistles loudly on his fingers and addresses the crowd.)
Hey folks, here’s “President” Biden. He wants to get your opinions on his border policy.
Random Homeless Man – It’s really him. Let’s get him!
Biden – (As he’s being dragged away by his heels and kicked in the head and ribs by the murderous crowd)
Donald, Donald don’t leave me here. Get me out of here before they murder me. How can I learn my lesson if I’m dead.
Ghost of Biden Present – Don’t worry Joe. You can’t be killed in this little demonstration.
Biden – What do you mean? Those kicks hurt!
Ghost of Biden Present – No the beating will hurt like a bastard for sure. But you won’t die. That way it can go on for a very long time. I’ll see you later Joey, much later.
Biden – Help Trump, help! Don’t leave me here!
Folks, ouch, we’ll build back better together, ow, Bidenomics is making this the most robust economy in the world, ah, the green economy is lifting all boats, Ahhhhhhhhhh!
(Exit)
A Biden Carol (Part 2)
Scene 1 – White House Residence / 1 a.m.
Biden – I really must be cracking up. What a horrible nightmare that was. And I’m not even in bed. C’mon Joe. Snap out of it. It must have been the Adderall wearing off. Get a grip. What’s that light I see glowing before my eyes?
Ghost of Biden Past – I am the Ghost of Biden Past.
Biden – Is that really a thing?
Ghost of Biden Past – No, I’m just the guy who got stuck with this gig. But work with me here. We’re trying to line this thing up with Dickens.
Biden – Sure, sure. Are you going to show me all the things in my past that I should feel gratitude about and help me to be a better man?
Ghost of Biden Past – No, that ship has sailed, hit an iceberg and sunk to the bottom of the ocean. I’m here to remind you of all the horrible stuff you’ve done so that it’s crystal clear why the perpetual gruesome agony you are slated for will be completely justified.
Biden – Wow! No partial credit for that time I saved that amphibious lander when I shot down the Japanese Zero back in dubya, dubya two?
Ghost of Biden Past – Joe, you were born in 1942.
Biden – Oh, right. I must be thinking of my service in Viet Nam.
Ghost of Biden Past – No you dodged the draft for Viet Nam.
Biden – So you’re not gonna work with me here.
Ghost of Biden Past – Work with you? I’m rooting for you to get the perpetual wood chipper option. In fact, I’ve got fifty bucks on it in the office pool.
Biden – Surely all that good work I did while in the Senate must buy me some good will up there.
Ghost of Biden Past – Up there? Even Lucifer doesn’t want to work on your case. He was thinking of farming you out to the Great Old Ones. But Cthulhu said, nothing doing. So, we’re stuck with you.
Biden – Surely someone from my past will speak in my defense.
Ghost of Biden Past – Yes, there was one character witness who was able to remove a very small charge from your list of sins. We found Corn Pop and he said you never threatened him with a chain. Apparently, you just ran off and never came back to the lifeguard gig you had.
Biden – That’s a lie. He was a very bad dude and I stood up to him.
Ghost of Biden Past – Well, we checked out that story. Corn Pop back then was an asthmatic camp counselor at the local YMCA with coke bottle glasses and a limp. Now he’s a retired postal worker.
Biden – Yeah well, that’s not how I remember it. So, what’s next?
Ghost of Biden Past – We’re going to walk you through the highlights of your various activities. We’ve got Juanita Broaddrick and that summer with you “showering” with your underaged daughter. We’ll go through the work you did getting Hunter to where he is now. Then we’ll go over your work as the “Big Guy” and all of the stuff you did “for the country” while working for Obama. For fun we’ll go over the blooper reel with your hair plugs and aviator shades. It’ll be a busy time.
Biden – So this doesn’t look so good. Should I get a lawyer or a character witness? How about my old friend Barack. Everybody loves him.
Ghost of Biden Past – Yeahhhh, about that. Old Bathhouse Barry has his own ‘splainin’ to do. I don’t think that would be wise.
Biden – Alright let’s start the tour. Will there be lunch?
Ghost of Biden Past – Don’t worry there will be some roasted meat sooner than you think.
(Exit)
A Biden Carol (Part 1)
Scene 1 – The Oval Office
GLAAD – Have I the honor of addressing Mr. Biden or Mr. Epstein?
Biden – Mr. Epstein has been dead these seven years. In fact, he hanged himself in prison exactly seven years ago this very night.
GLAAD – That’s not how I heard it happened. Anyway, I’m sure his generosity is well represented by his surviving partner.
Biden – What do you want; you dog faced pony soldiers?!
GLAAD – At this festive time of the year it is more than usually desirable that we make some slight provision for the drag queens and other weirdos that have fallen on hard times. Thousands are in need of necessities like eye-liner and mascara. Hundreds of thousands are in want of holiday cheer like amyl nitrate and ketamine.
Biden – Are there no libraries, are there no grammar schools?
GLAAD – Plenty of libraries and schools, but those gigs have become difficult to book because of Moms for Liberty.
Biden – Look I haven’t got time to waste on you losers. Romney, you cretin! Get out of your hole Mitt and throw these losers out. I have business to attend to and if I see these deadbeats in here again, I’ll know that I no longer need your services and you’ll be shipped back to Utah. Now I’m headed home so don’t close up until you’ve foreclosed on the homes of all the widows on that list, I gave you.
Mitt Romney – Yes, Mr. Biden. Come this way gentlemen. Mr. Biden is very busy.
(Exit)
Scene 2 – White House Residence
Biden – All right, have you loaded up my Beta Max with all those vintage 1980s porn classics? Dr. Jill is out of town this week and I want to do some research.
Secret Service Agent – Yes, Mr. President. Your whole disgusting list for the weekend has been filled and we’ve cordoned off your residence to prevent “problems.”
Biden – Good, all of you can get lost. I’ll use my life alert if I need you. Now scram.
(Exit)
Biden – Now that’s more like it! Let me get a big bowl of ice cream and let the party begin!
Suddenly a fissure opens up in the floor and flames shoot up and a bloody mess slowly stumbles into the room. He’s festooned with what looks like smoking coils of some kind of hose. He is shrieking and moaning pathetically and approaches Biden.
Biden – Holy smoke, who the hell are you?
Jeffrey Epstein – Ask me who I was.
Biden – Okay, okay, you awful mess. Who were you.
Jeffrey Epstein – In life I was your partner, Jeffrey Epstein.
Biden – Epsy, what the hell happened to you?
Jeffrey Epstein – Two guesses.
Biden – Why are you wrapped up in that burning hose?
Jeffrey Epstein – Those are my prolapsed intestines. They’re filled with boiling oil. When it starts to cool, they drain it off and refill it again.
Biden – Wow! That’s not good.
Jeffrey Epstein – Yeah, but wait’ll you hear what they have cooked up for you.
Biden – Me? But I haven’t done anything. I’m the President of the United States. I help people all day long. I’m not going there!
Jeffrey Epstein – Yeah, yeah, Joey. It’s me you’re talking to. They know about everything down there. The showers with your daughter, the trips to the island. Don’t kid yourself. You’re gonna get the deluxe treatment.
Biden – But Epsy, don’t you have any good news? Are you here to tell me about a way out? You know like the three ghosts?
Jeffrey Epstein – The only ghost here is the ghost of a chance that you ain’t got. The boss sent me to rub it in a little. And I came because I will miss the hot sulfuric acid shower hour. You’ve gotta take what you can get.
Biden – But what will I do?
Jeffrey Epstein – My advice is to try to make whatever amends you can and lighten the sentence however you can. Confession would help quite a bit.
Biden – Confess? But there’s an election coming up.
Jeffrey Epstein – Oh forget it. Just do what you’re doing. At least it’ll take some of the heat off of me. Goodbye Joey you dope. See you in the showers.
Exit into the flaming crevasse followed by the fissure closing up.
What Are the Odds?
According to quantum mechanics (or is Stan Lee?) every time a subatomic particle has a choice of moving in one direction or another it spawns two separate realities. And taking all such choices together, it produces an infinity of separate realities (or universes) associated with these different futures that exist side by side. Now the Marvel Cinematic Universe has documented this highly scientific quantum behavior with a panoply of Spidermen in the multiverse. And for all I know they have added a few Spider-transmen to round things out. And because of the Kathleen Kennedy imperative (“PUT A CHICK IN IT AND MAKE HER LAME AND GAY”} there will need to be some Spiderwomen, spiderlesbians and hopefully BIPoC spidertrans-women but most especially Latinx spidertrans-lesbians. Maybe not in that order. After all one cannot constrain the artistic endeavor.
But thinking about all this quantum physics was incredibly stimulating. I started to imagine the multiverse of 2024 election outcomes and the futures it will spawn. For instance, in one universe Joe Biden is struck by lightning and it resets his brain so that he can speak English and walk down stairs without tumbling. But it also forces him to only speak the truth and so he’s assassinated by the FBI for disseminating the document that lists the FBI agents and assets and the scripts and roles they played in the January 6th frame-up.
In another universe Donald Trump declares himself a dictator for one day and has all the data files that the intelligence agencies have collected on Americans erased, reveals who killed Kennedy and forces MSNBC to broadcast Obama’s gay sex tapes during Black History Month.
In yet another universe the most unlikely set of outcomes all occur simultaneously and the American voters come to their senses in numbers so overwhelming that they elect huge majorities of Republicans to the House and Senate. And Trump wins 45 states and re-enters the White House with an ironclad mandate. And with that combination they undo the last fifty years of unconstitutional skullduggery and make the United States a free country for the first time in generations. They fire seventy percent of the federal employees. They cancel the Patriot Act. They eject tens of millions of illegal aliens. They balance the budget. And they impeach all the judges that were appointed by Clinton, Obama and Biden and replace them with the guys who were imprisoned during the January 6th witch hunt. And then they appoint Rudy Giuliani special prosecutor to clean up all the dirt that’s gone on since Obama came into office and have the trials located in Oklahoma. Crazy, right?
Of course, I expect the most likely outcome in this multiverse is the one we expect. That’s the one where crooked judges and prosecutors hand-pick leftist jurors and convict Donald Trump of bogus crimes in their kangaroo courts and then use millions of fraudulent ballots to win the 2024 presidential election and use that outcome to finish off what’s left of this once great nation. Of course.
But even in this most likely of all universes, there is still room for all of this to be the trigger for a cosmic backlash. You could imagine that all of this negative karma building on itself could warp the very fabric of space-time and spawn a reaction. I could imagine that the day after the “winners” of the fake elections are declared, the disgusted Republican voters stage a complete work stoppage across the whole country. Truckers stop delivering food to the cities and oil and gas isn’t delivered. And all the cops go out on strike. In fact, we all go out on strike. And after a couple of weeks when the LGBTQ national guard units admit they can’t drive trucks, Washington might fold and sues for mercy.
And that’s my favorite super hero ending. Sorry Deadpool.
Isn’t physics wonderful?
Morning Shmoe vs. The Biden Boondoggle
Dramatis Personae: Morning Shmoe Browfurrowed (MS), Lycra Spandexy (LS), Joe Biden (JB),
MS – It’s 19 minutes and ten to minus 23rd seconds past the quarter hour here on the Morning Shmoe Show. I’m Morning Shmoe Browfurrowed and I’m here with my lovely bride Lycra Spandexy-Browfurrowed and we’re talking about the mouth breathing lowlifes out there on the Right who dare to claim that Joe Biden isn’t way ahead in the polls.
LS – That’s right Shmoe, you tell’em. Get up in their grill!
MS – I will dear, if you just let me finish my thought.
LS – Certainly darling. I was just trying to add emphasis for emphasis. Okay?
MS – Okay.
LS – Okay.
Shmoe gives an involuntary shudder.
MS – Where was I? Oh yes. Some fly by night polling outfit calling itself Gallup, and boy that sounds like a made up name to me, claims that jailbird Trump is ahead of President Joe Biden nationally by ten points and ahead of him by significant margins in almost all of the critical swing states. This is obviously propaganda meant to undermine the confidence of the American people in advance of the upcoming 2024 election.
LS – Boo! Boo!! Hiss!! Hiss!!
MS – (Staring menacingly) Are you done?
LS – Oops, sorry.
MS – (under his breath) Give me strength. Anyway we’ve got President Joe Biden on a video chat and we’d like to have him clear the air about these phony polls.
A monitor behind the hosts projects the enormous image of the octogenarian politician which they turn to face.
MS – Hello Mr. President. How are you today sir?
JB – Hi Shmoe, I’m pretty good. I ate a little too much ice cream this morning so I’m trying to stay close to the bathroom for the next couple of hours. Purely as a precaution mind you. But otherwise I’m doing swell.
LS – Hi Mr. President. I hope you feel better!
JB – Thanks Lycra. My you’re looking cute as a button. I wish I could smell that shampoo I sent you. Mango papaya coconut dream is my favorite. Maybe you could come over later for a sniff. Boy you look good enough to bite! Grrrr. You remind me of a girl I knew back when I was a lifeguard. She was pretty as a button too. Back then they didn’t have the fruit scented shampoos like they have today. But she smelled good too.
LS – Oh Mr. President, how exciting that sounds. Maybe some other time.
MS – Ahem! As wonderful as that would be, we’re in New York and you’re in Washington so maybe we could just move along with our interview?
JB – C’mon man! I was just being friendly. Sure sure. Let’s move on. What can I tell you?
MS – Well, Mr. President, we wanted your thought about that erroneous report circulating this morning.
JB – Those are damned lies. I never took any money from the Chinese or the Ukrainians. No way. Now the Russians, well maybe. But why shouldn’t I take their money? We don’t like them right? That would be patriotic. And anyway, they can never prove it. I had the CIA scrub that stuff six ways to Sunday. And I spent all of it on that weekend at Hunter’s place. So, no way they’ve got anything on me.
MS – Uhhhh. No, we don’t want to talk about that. I’m talking about the polls. The ones that say Donald Trump is in the lead.
JB – Who? That dog-faced pony soldier? No way, no how. We fixed his wagon. You see I spoke to my old buddy Hatrack Barabbas, that sort of mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy, and he told me that as long as Trump is only ahead by anything less than two million votes we can grind that out with fake absentee ballots over the course of a couple of days after election day. So no problem.
MS – Mr. President, we’re live on the air right now.
JB – Why you stupid son of a …
Suddenly the feed disappeared from the monitor and was replaced by a stock photo of the White House with the word, “oops” across the screen.
MS – Obviously the President was just demonstrating his puckish sense of humor. There is nothing “fake” about absentee ballots and anyone who claims that is obviously a stooge for Trump and Putin. But what President Biden was implying was that reliable pollsters have assured him and us that 2024 will be another amazing election year for Joe Biden.
LS – Oh, Shmoe isn’t it exciting. Joey, I mean President Biden, on election night smiling with his bright, bright teeth and his aviator shades, sniffing my hair and calling me cute as a button. You never say I’m cute as a button anymore.
Shmoe removes his earpiece and hurls it at Lycra and walks off the set.
Late Night photog – 3 – Cthulhu Fills In
Cthulhu – Well we’re back. And for those tuning in late I’m Cthulhu and I’m filling in for photog while he explains some things to the FBI in DC this week. Well, we hope it’s just this week because, honestly, I do have better things to do than amuse his audience, I can tell you that. But enough complaining. We’ve got a great show tonight. I’ve provided my own band this week. I’ve got George Harrison, Roy Orbison and Tom Petty of the Stationary Wilburys and they’ll be singing their new song, “Come on Down Bob, it’s a Dry Heat.” And later on, I’ll be talking to Sadaam Hussein about his new book, “They Weren’t Kidding!”
But now let’s give a big hand to that master of disaster, Henry Kissinger! Hey Henry, how the hell are you?
Kissinger – Funny you should put it that way, Cthulhu. It is a bit hot down there for my liking but I won’t bore you with my problems. All in all, it’s been an interesting experience. I’ve had a chance to catch up with Dick Nixon and some of the other boys from my salad days. Good times. But really my next assignment is what I’m interested in.
Cthulhu – What’s that Henry?
Kissinger – I’m doing contract work for the administration down there. Apparently, Lucifer is short on strategic thinkers, at least modern ones. Would you believe it, Metternich was still on the job down there. He never got anything done but just kept repeating “Might through Right! Might through Right!” Hopeless old bird. I don’t know what people saw in him.
Cthulhu – What kind of strategic planning does Hell need?
Kissinger – Trust me. Everyone needs planning. Recently Black Rock reduced our ESG score because we hadn’t assigned pronouns for Baphomet on his infernal stationery and business cards. Those guys are brutal and they just don’t give a crap who they hurt. So, I busted my hump first day, right out of the chute and got BR to cut us a little slack until I had a chance to reform things. Luckily for the Prince of Darkness I know where the bodies are buried at Black Rock so everything worked out. But I tell you there’s no rest for the wicked. Literally!
Cthulhu – Tell me about it! Last month I was returning from laying waste to a stellar system inhabited by fungoid beetle beings. You know, real eldritch Great Old Ones stuff. And accidentally I tracked in a little plutonium from the finale. Well somehow the EPA and the NRC got wind of it and now they’re all up in my business and they’re even threatening to pull my NGO status and shut down my cult. Bureaucrats.
Kissinger – Well, I don’t want to interfere but my contract with Lucifer isn’t exclusive and I still have lots of friends in Washington. If you’d like, I’ll straighten the thing out for you.
Cthulhu – Why, that’s mighty nice of you Henry. How can I repay you?
Kissinger – Funny you should ask. There’s one thing I could really use is a flunky down here. I need someone with absolutely no scruples, an inveterate liar and low intelligence as a whipping boy in my dealing with his Satanic Majesty.
Cthulhu – You want Biden?
Kissinger – In a word, yes. He’s not due down here for ten more years but if you’ve got the bandwidth, it would really help me out if he could be delivered in early 2025.
Cthulhu – Hey no problem. I’m supposed to ease him out of his gig this year so consider it done. But I tell you; dealing directly with him is no picnic. Even I feel contaminated after dealing with that skunk. Well, to each his own.
Kissinger – Thanks. But I better be going. I don’t want to be late for my morning lake of fire immersion. If I’m last, I get stuck next to Hitler and Stalin and then it’s just bitch, bitch, bitch.
Cthulhu – Everybody, Henry Kissinger! Give him a big Late-Night round of applause.
Late Night photog
photog – Welcome back to the show. During the commercial break Senator Spekanaty had to leave to catch his flight back to DC. But our next guest will be sure to please. Of course, after his tour de force performance at the fourth Republican 2024 presidential primary debate he needs no introduction. Give a big welcome to Great Old One, Cthulhu.
Off to the side of photog’s desk a large video screen lights up and shows the six-hundred-foot-tall squid-headed dragon seated on his throne inside his lair. At his side is a hundred-foot-high glass bowl containing about forty live humans cowering at the bottom. While speaking to the late night tv show host the eldritch god would occasionally reach into the bowl and pop one of the people in his mouth, much as one of us would eat a peanut from a bowl while speaking on the phone.
CTHULHU – Thank you photog. You’re much too kind. I merely provided a much-needed clarification on how to ensure civility and avoid confusion during these political debates. If a pathological liar like Christie is allowed to continuously muddy the waters with misinformation about the possibility of reforming the federal government, why, people are liable to lose faith in the basic goodness of public servants. In good faith I couldn’t allow that to continue. Also, I was feeling a might peckish and he looked juicy and delicious.
photog – But weren’t you afraid that devouring the former governor of New Jersey would strike the wrong note when you were trying to represent Donald Trump to the audience of that debate?
CTHULHU – Why photog I don’t see how that could be. For weeks everyone has been complaining about how candidates like Christie and Pence were wasting space on the stage that the front-runners should be using to explain their platforms to the Republican voters. Pence had the decency to bow out. Since Christie refused, I merely gave him an assist.
photog – So you feel no remorse?
CTHULHU – Remorse? No. Maybe a slight gall bladder attack. Chris really packs a punch when it comes to the triglycerides. Woof! But look, we’ve got to get our message out. Lots of people have lost faith after the events of 2020. We’ve got to show we’re serious about reforming the federal government and clearly working within the bureaucracy’s rulebook is only going to result in the same failures we saw before. Clearly bold and innovative methods are necessary.
photog – And eating up thousands of employees of the administrative state is that method?
CTHULHU – Hey look. I’ve been restructuring dysfunctional organizations for a couple of billion years now both within this space-time continuum and without. And I’ve never seen anything that gets the job done faster and better than chowing down on the dead wood that are standing in the way of progress. And in fact, think of how this method also works to decrease the deficit and debt situation. Every civil servant I eat is one less parasite drawing a salary and eventually a pension from the US Treasury. It’s clearly a win-win.
photog – But couldn’t you just fire them?
CTHULHU – How cute! You think that Washington works that way. Trust me, you’ll be dead and buried before any FBI, IRS or State Department hack gets fired by the next Republican administration. No, it’s eat them or nothing. There’s no third way.
photog – Well, I guess you know what’s best. But can you tell the audience of any other innovations that the Trump administration is planning to unveil before the election?
CTHULHU – Certainly photog. After paring down the bureaucracy by 80 or 90%, I intend to make it my priority to reform the tech industries. To that end I will be spending several weeks visiting the headquarters of Alphabet, Meta, Microsoft and various other social media companies. I think I should meet face to face with Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates and their peers. I have a few “suggestions” that I want to bat around with them. I have this theory that if I show up looking in the 50th story window of their C-Suite offices that good things are bound to happen. Now granted, I’m fairly sure that these fellows will end up lodged in my alimentary canal. But we all need a dream. And my dream is that one day these people will take a hint and do what I want them to do and avoid being eaten. Sure, it won’t happen tomorrow or even ten years from tomorrow but eventually if I eat enough of these people Darwinian selection will lead to a better class of tech giants. And that is my dream.
photog – Well, all I can say is may your dream come true.
CTHULHU – Sure, sure. But hopefully not anytime soon. With the skyrocketing price of meat in Biden’s America I have to eat as many dead-enders as I possibly can. A Great Old One’s gotta eat.
Anyway, photog, I’ve got to cut this short. I’m due in Brooklyn for a rally by the Pro-Hamas coalition of ethical hipsters. I figure between the craft beers and the hummus dip I can eat a swath through them and really clean up most of Park Slope. I hate hipsters. I love eating them but I detest their annoying illogic.
photog – Well thanks Cthulhu for your time. And come back any time.
The image of the Great Old One folded his front claws together in a sign of humble farewell and the screen went dark.
photog – I guess that’s all the time we have left. I’d like to thank our sponsor Soylent Green for their patronage and add my personal tribute to their delicious line of energy products. Remember, “When you want to feel keen, remember to eat green!” Good night, everybody.