Governor Noisome vowed today not to rest until all tool manufacturers who produce crow bars and hammers have paid for the billions of dollars of merchandise stolen in the recent rash of smash and grab robberies.
Governor Nuisance further vowed that anyone who persisted in calling the robberies “looting” would also pay a heavy price. “Stigmatizing these BIPOC young people with the dog whistle code “looters” is very detrimental to their feelings of self esteem. Everyone knows that if the hammers weren’t there these robberies obviously would not occur.” he said.
When confronted with this charge the CEO of Stanley Black and Decker stuttered for a few seconds and said that the Director of Equity, Inclusivity and Diversity would respond today with a program to put an end to “white privilege” in the tool aisle. He said, “The idea that crow bars and hammers are a necessary part of the tool box is obviously another symptom of systemic racism.
Governor Nooseloose responded to this response by breaking into semi-precious metaphors about rainbows, unicorns and potato salad. Film at 11.