Category: Humor

Capon Parts Ways with Red Lobster

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Girl Boss Anchor – And as we finish this broadcast I have heard that Jonathan Capon will be leaving Red Lobster.  Jonathan, would you like to address this development with our audience?

Jonathan Capon – Sure why not?  Well, first of all David Books brought me aboard under false pretenses.  He told them I was an illegal alien and would work for first pick of the kitchen scraps like some kind of rodent.

Second of all, the head waiter told me to “butch it up.”  And strike three, someone put up a poster of Sydney Sweeney in the locker room.  In this kind of hostile work environment I just couldn’t be my authentic self.  For all these reasons I’m going back to my refrigerator box and my crew under the overpass.  Let Books enjoy his corporate fat cat existence here at the Red Lobster but I have to be real.  I have to testify to my own lived truth.

Girl Boss Anchor – That’s interesting.  David told me you were fired because you fell asleep in the Shrimp Freezer Room and had to be chiseled off of a shelf.

Jonathan Capon – There might have been something like that but there’s more to the story that I won’t reveal until the case comes to trial.

Girl Boss Anchor – Thank you Jonathan for that interesting slice of life and we await your next assignment with great interest.

Jonathan Capon – Hey, any chance of an advance?  We need a new refrigerator box after the rains.

Girl Boss Anchor – Sorry, no.

Just Leave the Bow Tie Home

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PBS Anchor/Carnival Barker – It’s Friday on the News Hour and that used to mean our weekly pilgrimage over to the desk of our resident sages David Books and Jonathan Capon.  But as you know budget cuts forced us to part ways with Jonathan.  And now the second round of layoffs has done the same to David.  But all is not lost.  We have arranged a teleconference with them at their new employer the Chevy Chase branch of the Red Lobster.  Gentlemen, can you hear me.

David Books – Yes, I can.  As you can see, I’m the assistant manager here at Red Lobster and happy to have landed on my feet as it were.  And I’m relieved to say that Jonathan has escaped from the refrigerator box under the overpass and is one of my most promising new waiters.

Jonathan Capon – Well the jury is still out on this whole gig.  I was promised all the shrimp I could eat and generous tippers.  Well, the shrimp is tiny and the tips are sub-par.  But we’ll see.

PBS Anchor/Carnival Barker – Tonight we wanted to get your sense of the Trump economy.  Last quarter’s GDP was up 3% which is quite robust but we were hoping you could throw your usual cold water on the Trump parade for our viewers’ amusement.

David Books – Well normally I’d gleefully accommodate you.  But working in retail and in a very tenuous part of it I have to say I’m praying on my knees each night before bed that Trump pulls off all the miracles he can.  Now that I’m part of the great unwashed and have lost my sinecure at your underfunded hothouse media company my whole attitude has taken a one-hundred-and-eighty-degree turn.  I’ve got kids in expensive private colleges and if I can’t come up with twenty grand this semester those kids will be coming home and taking over my rec-room.  So, as much as it pains me to say “God bless Donald Trump!”

PBS Anchor/Carnival Barker – How about you Jonathan?  Surely you must have some of your trademark snit for Trump and his economy.

Jonathan Capon – Look, I don’t have time for this.  There are fourteen orders of King Crab Legs and a giant crab cake that are starting to get cold.  If I don’t move my gay little butt pronto, I’ll be bouncing out the door on it without a paycheck.  So, make up whatever cute little anecdotes you want for your tote-bag fixated geriatric audience but for those of us below eighty we’ve got to make a living.  All I can say is thank Trump for deporting those five Congolese guys that showed up last week.  I could never have outworked them and one of them kept pinching my butt and I think he had monkey pox.

PBS Anchor/Carnival Barker – Well, there you have it.  Trump’s American hellscape has destroyed the intelligence and the objectivity of two former beacons of cultured intellect and turned them into knuckle-dragging Trump sycophants.  A truly discouraging side-effect of the 2025 defunding of PBS.

Security Agent – Okay pal, here’s your termination notice.  We’ve got your stuff in a box so just take off the microphone and head for that door.

PBS Anchor/Carnival Barker – David, David.  Is there room for me at the Red Lobster?

David Books – Sure Barry.  There’s always room for everyone in Donald Trump’s America.  Just leave the bow tie home.

Maybe He Wasn’t Ready for His Own Show

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So, the First Selectman heard about Stephan Colbert losing his gig with the Late Show and somehow got the idea that maybe he could end up as a replacement on CBS.  He called me into his cave and said, “Listen Appetizer, I want you to get on the blower with Bill Paley and tell him I have a great idea for a late-night comedy show.  I’ll call it “Late Night Selections.”

I said, “Sir I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news but William Paley died in 1990 at age 89.  And currently the parent company of CBS; Paramount Studios, is being acquired by another entertainment company Skydance Media and they have decided that the old-style late-night show is outdated and unprofitable.  They have not only not renewed Stephen Colbert’s contract; they have ended the whole Late Night production company.  They’ve effectively fired two hundred people in order to save $100 million.”

This outraged the First Selectman, “Who ever heard of anyone dying at 89.  Why I’m in excess of a trillion years old and I’ve never felt better in my life.  Sure, I eat healthy and stay away from fatty food like Mexicans and Italians but last time I saw Bill in 1948 he was the picture of health.  He was smoking a cigar, drinking a martini and pinching his secretary.  You don’t get much livelier than that!”

I interjected that notwithstanding his fond memories of Mr. Paley it was unfortunately true that new management was in place at the Tifanny Network and perhaps this was not the time for a new late-night show.  This got me nowhere and so yesterday I was assigned the task of putting together a stage for this dynamic new production.  As luck would have it, I read an ad for Colbert’s extra furniture going up for sale and picked it up for a song.  I think it was being sold hot by the disgruntled stage crew.

Well with a little alteration to allow the five hundred foot tall First Selectman to interact with human sized guests on the stage we had it up and running this morning in time to go through some try-outs.  As luck would have it Adam Schiff, Nancy Pelosi and Elizabeth Warren were all hoping to get some extra face time during Trump’s problems over the Epstein case so the First Selectman was able to book all three of them for his trial run.

Well, there were problems.  During the first segment Schiff began banging the drum about Donald Trump being a fascist.  Now the first Selectman used to be a close personal friend of Mussolini so he innocently said, “What’s wrong with being a fascist.”  Well, Schiff went ballistic and started going through his talking points about Trump assaulting women and being a felon and starting an insurrection and before you know it, he was calling the First Selectman a reactionary.  Well, this didn’t sit well with the First Selectman so he ate Schiff.  And when Pelosi and Warren saw this from the wings, they came running out screeching at a very high pitch.  As it happens the First Selectman is very sensitive to the particular frequency so in self-defense, he quieted them by eating them.

Well, the booking agency was very upset and said they couldn’t provide any more guests, except maybe AOC and Mamdani because nobody likes them anyway but the First Selectman said Puerto Rican and Middle Eastern food gave him the runs.  So, he’s given up on the whole show idea.  It’s all very sad.

Books Without Capon

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Pitchman/Host – Well, that was a fascinating two-hour in-depth discussion on how a tote-bag ended its life as a cat sarcophagus for Mr. Fluffy Pants.  And now it’s time for us once again to receive our daily dose of wisdom from Books and Capon.  Well, of course only David Books is still on the set.  Jonathan Capon had to be let go due to “H.R. 4 – The Rescission Bill of 2025” stripping us of $1.1 billion of funding and reducing us to this endless round of begathons and hawking those lousy tote bags and crumby umbrellas.  Well, anyway hello David.

David Books – Hello Barry.  Actually, I will have Jonathan Capon on this episode.  We have a camera crew out on the street and they ran into him plying his new trade.  Hello Jonathan, how is your new career working out for you.

Jonathan Capon – Hello David, hello Barry.  Career?  Currently I’m living under an overpass in a refrigerator box and I have become the property of Big Bob and his “posse.”  It’s not great.  However there has been some talk about me taking classes to become a sidewalk mime.  Apparently, this would increase my status and Bob might be able to trade me to Carl who has two refrigerator boxes and rules over a corner that has a working fire hydrant.  Now that’s hope and change.  And how is the fund-raising going back there at the old place?

David Books – Well, not so good.  I thought I had my mother and sister committed on a tote-bag sale but at the last moment those cheap old bags reneged.  Now I’m reduced to cold-calling from the Manhattan reverse directory and avoiding the station manager in the hallways and elevators.  And last night when I went to get my car in the parking lot, someone scratched, “ALWAYS BE CLOSING” on the driver door.  They checked the security camera and I swear the guy looked like Donald Trump.  I’m a nervous wreck!

Jonathan Capon – Yeah, well, compared to keeping Big Bob satisfied I’d say you’re complaining about some real “first world problems” Davy boy.  Has there been any progress on having H.R. 4 rescinded and restoring us to the good old days.

David Books – No, not so much.  In fact, last week CBS cancelled Stephen Colbert and the whole Late Show.  There’s even talk about Kimmel and Fallon getting canned too.

Jonathan Capon – No!!!  How is that possible?  CBS is the Tifanny Network.  They speak truth to power and hold Trump accountable.

Pitchman/Host – Yeah, well it turns out Tifanny was losing forty-six big ones a year and Daddy’s gotta eat too.  So, we all have to do our part around here David.  Starting tomorrow we’re gonna have a little sales contest.  First prize is a corner office.  Second prize is a set of steak knives.  Third prize is you join Jonathan and Big Bob in the refrigerator box.  And another thing.  No more coffee until you sell a tote bag.  Coffee is for winners.  Losers clean the men’s room after hours.  And today is your turn, loser.

Jonathan Capon – Well David, maybe I’ll be seeing you around.  Better stock up on lifesavers.  Big Bob favors wintergreen.

Push That Tote Bag; Always Be Closing

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Pompous News Anchor: And to round out the PBS News Hour once again we go to the peerless analysis of Books and Capon.  Good evening gentlemen.  David what effect will this recission bill have on our operation here at PBS?

David Books: Well, I think I know.  Today I received an email from upper management that stated, “Due to cutbacks in the federal funding we will have to let go half of Books and Capon.

Jonathan Capon: What?  I didn’t receive that e-mail.

David Books: Yes, they said because my name starts with a “B” and yours starts with a “C” I get preference and could decide who gets the boot.

Jonathan Capon: What?  Why that’s obvious racism and homophobia too.

David Books: Well, that’s not necessarily true.  I act pretty gay too!

Jonathan Capon: Yeah, well that’s just because you’re Canadian.  Everybody knows you have a wife and kids.

David Books: That’s a deeply anti-trans stereotype.  Why couldn’t Jenny be a trans-man?  Which would make me gay!

Jonathan Capon: Oh, give it a rest.  Look, we can’t let management cave to the Trump defunding.  We must convince them that the nation is crying out for more Books and Capon.  How can the network serve Books without Capon?  It’s unheard of.  People want their Capon.

Pompous News Anchor: Gentlemen, please show more decorum.  The bigger picture here is that we serve the American public and if some sacrifices must be made then we need to show America that we serve them selflessly.

David Books: Oh yeah?  Well, I happened to hear that your slot is being given to the blonde from Fox News that’s sleeping with the station manager.  So put that in your pipe and smoke it, Haircut!

Pompous News Anchor: Why that lying sack of ****!  I covered for him at the office party so his wife wouldn’t find out he was in the penthouse “doing inventory” with blondie!  That’s it.  I’ll be sending a couple of videos to his home as soon as I get off this stage.  I think I’ll deliver them in a PBS tote bag that won’t cost him a cent in donations!

Jonathan Capon: Oh, this is awful.  How could America do this to us?  We’ve spent the last fifty years providing Americans with all the feedback they needed to change into the kind of people that we don’t hate.  We told them that they were racists.  Then we told them that they were misogynists.  Then we told them that they were homophobes and now we’ve told them that they’re transphobes.  Without our help they wouldn’t have known all the reasons why we hate them so much.  What else did they want from us?

David Books: Well, as it turns out they wanted us to shut up.  They didn’t like any of those opinions and apparently the establishment Republicans have been lying to us all these years when they said we were making friends and influencing people with our “helpful comments.”  In fact, the pollsters have been lying to us too.  It turns out this really is a center-right country and the Left doesn’t have enough viewers to pay for public television.  So, Capon you’re gonna have to hit the road.

Jonathan Capon: But how will I earn a living?

David Brooks: Drag Queen Story Hour?

Jonathan Capon: Well, it does have the word hour in it.

Meet the Pest

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Jonathan Capon:  Good evening I’m Jonathan Capon of the Washington Post.

David Books:  And I’m David Books of the New York Times.  And you’re watching the PBS News Hour.  Tonight, we will be speaking to former US President Joe Bilephlegm and his wonderful wife Dr. Jill.  Welcome Mr. President and First Lady.

President Bilephlegm:  Thank you, Phil.  It’s good to be back in Washington.  Where I belong.

Jill Bilephlegm:  Thank you, David.  He meant David.

David Books:  Yes, I’m sure he did.  Mr. President, since your withdrawal from the 2024 race and the subsequent catastrophic loss of your vice president to Donald Trump many people have been waiting for you to speak candidly about what you think happened in the election and what could have been done to prevent the loss.

President Bilephlegm:  I’m glad you asked Brad.  The answer is simple.  When I rope-a-doped Trump in the first debate many faint-hearted Democrats like Nancy Pelosi and George Clooney panicked.  They thought I really had gone bananas and began shouting for me to drop out of the race.  And then that bedwetter George Stepha-what’s-his-name piled on and before you know it, I’ve been kicked to the curb by these weak-kneed cowards.  And that left that drunken bimbo to try and face Donald Trump on her own.  It was hopeless.

Jonathan Capon:  Mr. President are you seriously claiming that your performance at the debate was an act?  Because at the time it was described as a shambolic disaster of the first water.

President Bilephlegm:  Listen nancy boy I’ve been handling bullies like Trump since before you groveled before your first editor.  I was first in my class at Harvard.  I took a bullet for Nelson Mandela and I fought at Iwo Jima.

Jonathan Capon:  What?  You barely graduated from the University of Delaware.  You never met Mandela.  And you were three years old when Iwo Jima was fought.  How could you possibly have been there?

President Bilephlegm:  I fought at the second battle of Iwo Jima.  It wasn’t as famous but the fighting was even tougher.  I was wounded five times and received three Congressional medals of honor for my service.  I turned the tide of the battle single-handedly and routed the Russians.

Jonathan Capon:  Oh, that’s enough, I’m out of here. (leaves the stage)

Jill Bilephlegm:  Come back Jonathan, you have to let him tell his story his own way.  He’s a great communicator.

President Bilephlegm:  Let him go.  I’ll tell my story to Freddie over here.  He’s a real newsman.

David Books:  It’s David, Mr. President, not Freddie.

President Bilephlegm:  Whatever you want to call yourself is fine with me Kemosabe.  Look I’m trying to get my story out so that my 2028 campaign will get off on the right track.  In 2026 I’ve got to hit the ground running if I want to get the moderate vote sewn up early.

David Books:  Mr. President, are you out of your mind?  You can’t run for president again.  You’d be ninety years old by the end of that term.

President Bilephlegm:  So?  Ninety is just a number.  Remember what Morning Schmoe said about me last year.  He said that intellectually, analytically, I was the best Bilephlegm there ever was.  And he was right!

David Books:  Well, their parent company is trying to spin off his network and lay off Morning Schmoe even as we speak so I wouldn’t give that too much weight.

President Bilephlegm:  Listen Brainiac, they laughed at Trump when he said he was coming back after a four-year hiatus and look at him now.  Why, he bestrides the known world like a colostomy.  In four years when he can’t run again, I’ll be back and I’ll win.

David Books:  With all due respect Mr. President, in four years you won’t be able to say your own name.

President Bilephlegm:  So what?  FDR had Elanor to help him.  I’ll have what’s-her-name over there to do the heavy lifting.  We’re a team.  And Hunter is already lining up some trade deals that should net billions for us.

David Books:  Who’s “us.”

President Bilephlegm:  The American people of course.

David Books:  Alright, that’s enough.  I’m going back to Canada.  At least our crooks don’t smell this bad (leaves stage).

President Bilephlegm:  (speaking in a stage whisper) So, all of you viewers out there, remember to vote for good old Joe.  (yelling) Don’t let the Nazis win!

Canada, Greenland, Panama Canal.  Deal or No Deal?

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When I was a kid one of my best friends was crazy.  He was wired so that whenever the opportunity arose, he was ready and willing to poke a beehive (metaphorically).  He possessed a razor-sharp wit that had only one track; hilariously cruel mockery.  He could mimic and belittle anyone or anything.  The problem was he never selected his targets based on the blowback he could expect.  And so there were very serious consequences; beatings, expulsions from schools and youth organizations and vendettas of various sorts.

I think Donald Trump has a similar knack.  Going all the way back to the days of “Little Marco” Rubio and “low energy” Jeb, Trump has demonstrated that making his opponents look ridiculous is completely in his wheelhouse.  Does this explain his recent statements about annexing or buying Canada, Greenland and the Panama Canal Zone?

I guess we’ll have to try and sort these things out.

Let’s start with Canada.  For starters, geographically speaking Canada is the second largest country on planet Earth.  With a population of about 40,000,000 it’s only slightly more populous than California and it is mostly quite cold.  But it obviously has plenty of natural resources and potential.  But it is kind of a real country so how exactly does it become part of the United States?  Well, obviously it doesn’t.  Right now, the Justin Trudeau and his Liberal Party are the extremely unpopular majority party with him as prime minster.  After the various COVID debacles and the following downturn in the economy, the Conservatives are expected to win the 2025 elections and send Trudeau packing.  Now I have to assume that any Canadian politician who gave a positive response to this suggestion by Trump would be voted out of office during the next election.  Who knows, maybe the Canadian parliament might vote to impeach him immediately just to punish such a thing.  But I don’t think there’s a chance in the world of Canada agreeing to join the United States unless the Gates of Hell opened up in Ottawa and it was the only way to prevent their annihilation.  So why would Trump say such a thing.  Of course, because he was taunting Trudeau.  And in this case what could be the consequences to him?  None.  Canada has no leverage over the United States and serves as the impotent straight man to any jibes that Trump cares to make.  So, let’s just say this one is just rhetoric.  It’s just like my boyhood friend exhibiting a penitent for cruel mockery.

Then how about Greenland?  Now this is a totally different animal.  It is the largest island in the world but only about 50,000 people live there, mostly Inuit.  Apparently, Denmark; the current owner of the island doesn’t know what to do with it.  They have white guilt over colonizing it a thousand years ago and want to give it back to the Inuit.  So, Trump talking about buying it is actually a doable thing.  Currently most of it is covered by glaciers.  But if the ice continues to melt the way it is going someday this could be a very valuable piece of real estate.  Also, the probable quantities of natural resources (including fresh water) are almost incalculable.  So, let’s call this one more than just rhetoric.  Let’s attribute it to Trump’s love of a good deal at a good price.  I think he’s serious about this one.

Now, what about the Panama Canal Zone?  I think we can call this saber rattling against the Chinese.  Chinese commercial interests in Panama may be related to very large increases in the cost of using the canal for shipping.  Saying we should take it back may be Trump’s way of threatening the Chinese with a fight they can’t win if they take advantage of American companies using the canal.  Does that mean he wouldn’t actually take back the canal by force?  Well, nothing is impossible but I would rate it as extremely unlikely.  Blockading it, on the other hand, might be something he would do.  So, let’s call this one a special case where the rhetoric has some basis in reality.

And finally, what other bargains remain out there for Donald Trump to annex?  Mexico?  Australia?  Japan?  Well, who can say?  Mexico would actually make some sense.  Not as a state but as a protectorate.  We could crush the drug gangs and rebuild Mexico as a client state with our own puppet government installed to allow for its people to live decent lives.  But honestly it would be more work than it would be worth to us.  Better to build a wall four hundred feet tall and a hundred feet deep with laser-armed drones guarding it.

And the rest of the world?  Look we have enough problems with our own people.  Mr. Trump, I know you like a deal but how about just reclaiming our own country.  Is it a deal?

Which Place Will Trump Add to the United States?

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Joy Reid Gets a Haircut

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Alright the above title is a figure of speech.  Obviously, physically, Joy Reid’s hair could not possibly be any shorter.  So, what I’m saying is the management at MSNBC, her employer, is telling Joy that if she wants to continue working there, she’s going to have to agree to a lower salary (see first video clip below for details).  Now this isn’t just Joy being targeted due to her awfulness.  Rachel Maddow, the reigning star of MSNBC had to take a $5 million dollar cut from her present $30 million-dollar annual salary too.  Apparently, Comcast is trying to make the soon to be cast off cable station slightly less doomed.  So, let’s assume everyone will get the Maddow treatment.  Doing the math, Comcast is asking for one sixth of the salary they pay to be relinquished by their “stars.”  I’ve seen estimates that say Joy Reid currently makes three million dollars a year.

Wow.  I think they’re being ripped off.  But anyway, assuming she is currently receiving that amount under the Maddow reduction model, Joy would be left earning $2.5 million a year.

Wow.  That’s still way too much money to pay a talentless, unlikeable hatemonger like Reid.

And for that reason, I am advising Comcast to search around in their hearts for a different number.  I think the correct number is $660 a week.  That’s based on a forty-hour week, so it can be adjusted if she’s taking long lunches.  But that represents the minimum wage that will be in effect as of January 1, 2025 in New York City.  And that’s a very fair rate for someone providing the level of craftsmanship that can be expected from her.  And assuming that she will base her salary on a fifty-two-week year, that $34,320.

Wow.  That still seems like too much money to pay a lying sack of crap like Joy.

Come to think of it, forty hours a week seems excessive.  Maybe she could show up on Tuesday for four hours and that way she’ll scare off fewer viewers and the cable channel might have an even chance of surviving a few more months before Comcast or anyone stupid enough to purchase it finally puts it out of its misery.  So where am I?  Okay so let’s see.  $16.50 X 4 X 52 = $3,432 a year.

Wow.  No, I’m sorry.  There’s just no way to justify that large an outlay for something so useless and toxic (see second video clip below for a sample of this dreck).

But you know what she could do instead?  She would make the perfect speech writer for Kamala Harris.  Yes, that makes sense.  I remember Joy said that Kamala ran a flawless campaign.  It’s obvious that Joy would be happiest working hand in glove with the flawlessness that is Kamala.  In fact, they could spend most of the time talking about how racism and misogyny were responsible for why neither of them was rewarded by this racist, misogynistic country with the positions they deserve.  For it is obvious to both of them that in a fair and just world Kamala would have Trump’s upcoming spot in the White House and Joy would have Rachel Maddow’s office.  But, as the poet said, you’re down when you’re riding the train that’s taking the long way.

Oh well.